WARNING: This blog is not for the weak and faint of heart. If you can’t handle the truth take your wimpy little finger because only wimps can’t handle the truth and click click away. Statements made in this blog are my opinion, truth, or hearsay. Only you can decide, but if you’ve been reading me for years you know I’m not full of shit, can’t possibly make this shit up and really don’t give a shit what you think. I’m a fishing and hunting female guide with very strong opinions and if you don’t like it I don’t really give a shit. Oh, and when I use the term “gay” I’m not referring to them studs with a lifestyle even I envy, I’m referring to men with giant egos and too small of a penis, where no matter how much they post on the internet and sell out, I’m sorry to say… Your penis will never ever match your ego.
DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL…
Before I begin, I would just like to thank the British Journalist, what’s her name, for stating something attractive hot bodied women have been dealing with for years. And I’m going there, oh yes I ucking am. Since being a fishing guide for the last 12 years the following has been said about me and continues to be said about me.
I can’t fish and I can’t guide. Really? Picture after picture of my clients, friends and family catching fish all the goddamn time with me pulling plugs behind the oars the whole time and hunting clients that never ever got an animal or even seen one up close was due to me.
I can’t row. All my friends are like “What the fuck?” Then how the hell do I get down the river? Why do I own a drift boat? I’m going to tell a little story. My gal pal the lovely Stacey and I rowed down a river that will remain nameless and hooked and lost five summer runs. She’s a newbie, and when we got to the boat launch I told her not to talk to anyone because some times it would turn out bad. Some old man came up to us and demanded to know what we caught and asked us what we were using but what really pissed us off as we loaded up MY DRIFTBOAT was that the old man kept asking us where our husband was. Stacey couldn’t take it anymore and lost it.
“Dude do you see a goddamn guy anywhere? Didn’t you watch us pull up in this boat and did you see anyone with a penis in this boat? And why the fuck do we have to have a man in the goddamn boat to fish in the first place, you asshole?”
And the old fucker just stood there with his mouth agape as
she got into her monster Dodge Diesel and I got into my brand new Ford and we
drove off. No man in sight except for
the asshole. Of course our rigs were wayyyyy nicer than his. BURN
But the best part of the whole deal about me being an attractive guide is because I’m attractive, I actually uck everyone. Yup, I said it. I uck anyone I fish, hunt, and guide with. Yes, because us attractive women because we are attractive have our legs spread open 24X7. We’re not allowed near your husbands, we can’t fish and hunt with guy friends because we can’t resist any man.
Are you kidding me? I don’t know how these perverted freaks think but I hate to say it…
Because women are attractive and not ugly and insecure… here’s a newsflash… we don’t want to do some old icky dude that is your husband or boyfriend that stares at our nice breasts, legs and ass. Just because you are ugly fat trolls that don’t take care of yourselves and ignore the fashion magazines at the check out counter, how dare you insult us that we want your equally non-attractive partner? And you perverts out there that don’t think hot chicks can’t cut it. Go beat off and stare at your ugly wives.
I remember my sister had some perverted freak of a boyfriend who use to beat her occasionally, he was such a freak that he thought that if a woman even smiled at him, she wanted him. Really? That is soooooo gross and nasty. Maybe she smiled at you because she was being nice. It is obvious that you were such a dork and a freak at school that you didn’t even have a gal pal or a wing girl. Smart secure guys realized that if they had a lot of girl friends their hook up ratio increased because we always set you up with our hot friends and coached you on how to have “great game”.
Oh, and BTW guys that have an issue with me are usually on the short side and have itsy bitsy male genitalia.
As for you Forks guides that made fun of me rowing backwards. I have to. I can’t row forward fast because I have these things called…. B-R-E-A-S-T-S. Obviously they’ve never held anything bigger than a mouthful or could find them in their wives or girlfriend’s rolls of flesh so they can’t imagine how they would possibly get in the way.
Oh let’s have a rant shall we!!!!
IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD SPRING 2012 has been a very eventful and uneventful spring. Since I’ve pretty much been sick for most of it, I could bore the shit out of you but we’ve had some “high” lights. I did get a fabulous kitchen remodel after five years of waiting patiently with a wall half removed and live wires dangling everywhere like a bad movie scene from “Saw”. I can’t even explain the embarrassment as I would shrug off my girlfriends all commenting the same thing…
“Isn’t that kind of dangerous?” My return answer always being “Ya think?”
And the more I politely requested my husband to finish the wall he would do the exact opposite. Even when he would come home from the neighbor’s drunk off his ass he’d never fall for the…
“Hey honey, stick this cooper wire to your tongue and let’s really see if it’s live or not.”
Since trying to kill him didn’t work (I’d figure the insurance money would pay for a kitchen remodel and I didn’t really care if I didn’t have an income anymore. It isn’t like with my background as one of the most passionate and best female fishing and hunting guides out there. It’s not like I couldn’t find a younger, richer and hotter replacement. See “Stud Alaskan Fisherman.” You can all learn from his perfection. Yes, look closely my brethren, if you think you’re hot after looking at that picture you’re probably not.
So my daily threats of replacement fell on death ears because my husband firmly believes that no one could put up with my weird lifestyle and shit. Like he has so much to put up with.
My hours and hours dedicated to scouting and finding, figuring out and executing monster elk or trying to with “Buck Fever Clients”.
My hours and hours of dedication to working out and keeping my fine ass body fine.
My hours and hours of dedication to fishing, again scouting, fishing and figuring out the best days for him to sit on his fat ass in the front of my boat as I row and he brings in fish after fish. The only effort put into our trips is his arm hurting reeling them in and his ears burning if he had issues with my loud and articulate instructions on netting the damn things. Oh and let’s not forget the financial drain on his bank account to pay me back.
Or my hours of taking game and fish and preparing lavish meals that only a gourmet cook such as myself can serve. Bobby Flay or Mario Batali can learn from me.
Or my slave labor dedicated to running the farm I made him buy. If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t live in Paradise with the constant excitement of killing something cool every day. He’s killed so many animals since I made him move to the farm that his bragging rights to his friends are not to be sneezed at…
12 raccoons raiding
11 coyotes fighting
10 pheasants escaping
9 wood ducks flying
8 deer just grazing
7 kitties trying to eat us
6 bears eating garbage
5 MONSTER ELK…
Imagine the 12 days of Christmas…
Here I am again... rowing my drift boat and here again some one else gets to play the fish I find. We would of put this native hen back but she was dead when she hit the barbless plug. She tasted like shit.
So is he really worried about the tons of marriage offers I constantly get? Only problem is that because of my dedication to hunting and fishing, I don’t have time to work and I refuse to work. Why should I? It would just cut into the above. So does he have that much to put up with, really? If I was put back into the workforce the only talent I have since I haven’t worked for years, is getting rednecks drunk off their asses. Which is part of my guide business. LOL A shot for a fish… hmmmmm that’s a lot of fish. I usually stock my drift boat with Crown Royal and Jack Daniels. I threw the case of Jameson overboard. Jameson causes a really really “debilitating hangover” and pass outs on the boat where I have to tie my clients with 25 pound test Maxima to their seats. On a rainy day you can drown in a driftboat.
After five years of waiting, I now have the most gorgeous kitchen ever. I hired my girlfriend’s two brothers that pretty much lived in my house and did an awesome job. It was nice not to have a bunch of filthy, smelly, clog up your toilet, non-speaking losers found at the Home Depot Parking Lot, like my last remodel where I fired the contractor. Who still to this day was on KOMO News for taking unsuspecting clients deposits and not doing the work. The clients got lucky just getting ripped off.
I call them “Two White English Speaking Guys Contracting”. Is that racist? I don’t believe so. Do you as a husband and family protector want your wife and kids having a month long remodel and you don’t even know if the workers don’t have fresh barb wire marks down their backs from their recent border crossing.
And what kind of people illegally cross the borders? Are they drug dealing Canadians or Mexican illegal immigrants fleeing the country because they’re wanted for something. You know like kidnapping, murder, drug dealing… and if they are wanted on such horrendous charges wouldn’t Washington State be the last place to look for them? Don’t believe me? Go to Forks and see who’s raping the fauna and foliage of the Olympic Peninsula’s Rain Forests. Note there isn’t one bar left in Forks to go hang after a tough day of fishing.
Could that be because the loggers get in fights with such illegal immigrants? So am I really being racist?
Yeah, if racism is complaining about illegal immigrants that don’t speak English and commited henous crimes in their own countries that they have to escape to ours. I know let’s give em a chance!!!!!
Instead of working illegally in restaurants, let’s have them work in our elementary and middle school kitchens with the “Lunch Lady”!!!!! How is Adam Sandler going to write that lyric into his popular “Lunch Lady Song”?
Or let’s let them work landscaping and do maintenance for our counties and cities. Since we don’t have a clue on their backgrounds I’m sure if they landscaped and maintained youth centers and elementarys, there can’t possibly be a sex offender among them.
I mean if you’re fleeing a country because you’re a criminal, I think the United States is the perfect place for a second chance. They deserve it. Screw all them educated Eurotrash that can come over and help our gene pool and work pool. They have to wait years and years and years for a Green Card.
But this isn’t about Bush and his “Berlin Wall”… We’re gonna actually talk about fishing. My ranting about having illegal immigrants working in your home while daddy is away at work with unsuspecting wife and kids is kind of a warning to husbands and dads that want to save a buck. When I did my first kitchen remodel and noted what a shitty job they were doing I waved a level and a square at them which they refused to use. I thought about grabbing the kitchen knife as they glared at me with such intense hatred, I fired them on the spot, went back into my bedroom and loaded a shot gun in case they wouldn’t leave. What was worse was that they couldn’t leave because their car broke down in my driveway. That was a super fun situation for my two year old daughter and I.
Yes husbands, save a buck and then get fucked. Excuse the language.
ANGIE 2012 SPRING IN FORKS
Well it started off fabulously. West Virginia Bob met us at one of the cute and quaint Olson’s Cabins. We immediately went to the only bar open in Forks the Mill Creek Bar and Grill and got hammered. WV Bob and my husband Orvis Boy wanted to see Miss Angie reek some havoc for their personal entertainment and after going out side to smoke a “fag” I didn’t disappoint when I noticed four trucks from Montana and put the trucks together with the very depressed and worn out gentlemen that had just walked in.
I would find later on that week why they looked like they were about to commit suicide.
Here’s a tip for all you trout fly fishing guides out there. Fishing for steelhead fly fishing is completely different than fishing for trout. Just when I thought that fly fishing guides couldn’t get any more stupid…
Imagine fishing in your drift boat and a pathetic raft with one client in front and one client in back casting five feet with the lightest trout rod, a giant plastic bobber on the line and a tiny little nymph. The clients not being able to cast made the guides have to row on top of where they thought the fish to be.
Then imagine, horrified, when they all cheer as they catch tiny smolt after tiny smolt with said bobber and nymph. I asked the boys in my boat if I should tell them they were doing it wrong but was sternly told that if they don’t catch anything then we don’t have to worry about them coming back.
Unlesss… targeting and catching smolts is a fly fisherman’s dream?
Then after thinking about it, I got super pissed. Here are us Washington fishing guides harassed and made to protect the smolts at all costs by using single barbless hooks, no scent, no bait… least we catch and injure a smolt. But the stupid guides from Montana get to come out here and not only catch the smolts with their tiny trout nymphs but the way they were fishing they were actually targeting them.
But it is fly fishing right? They can’t possibly hurt the fish, right?
And if any of these idiots ever read my blog, there is no excuse for what you’re doing not only to the fish but to your clients. There’s a reason Jack Hemingway, Henry Lemire and the famous spey fishing posse of the Northwest developed 14 to 15 foot heavy spey rods, with heavy sink tips, and heavy weighted flies. No matter how many fly fishers think that the steelhead will rise up to the fly, it rarely happens you have to go deep and stay far away from the steelhead. Because a five pound plus steelhead is trying to hide from predators and in no way is he feeding.
Steelhead are like guys. They’re horny as hell and are trying to get laid without buying his booty call bitches dinner whenever possible.
So if you book an out of state guide to go fly fishing think about it; that would be like doing the following;
Hiring a rocky mountain elk guide and him getting you a Roosevelt elk. He doesn’t know the terrain and most importantly he doesn’t know their habits. Rockies and Roosies are completely different animals.
Hiring a prostitute that’s a virgin.
Hiring a contractor that doesn’t speak English
Hiring a game warden as a security guard. Remember in a game warden’s eye, everyone is guilty so I’m envisioning a blood bath as they shoot the poor gang members spray painting the side of a building.
Hiring Boeing to build anything. That’s what I said. Hey, World out there! All of Boeing’s capable builders and designers have retired. You are now left with shit builders and shit planes. 787? Ha ha ha ha
Hiring the voices of “Call of the Wild” or “Online Fishing” to teach you how to fish or hunt. Hate to tell you this boyz the only thing you can teach the Outdoor Sportsman is how to shop. And they’re just as bad of shoppers as “Housewives of Beverly Hills”. Stick to Cabelas.
Speaking of “Call of the Wild” or “Online Fishing”, I actually got up early to go fishing and listened to their one hour infomercial and I got super duper pissed. I’ve noticed thru the years that I don’t see many boys fishing. Actually, I now never ever see any boys or teenagers fishing and I blame them.
Just imagine you are twelve and a product of a single mom. You have the fishing gene and are dying to learn how to fish, you read anything you can get your hands on and you listen to the radio. And you throw up your hands in despair because mommy and dead beat dad can’t buy you all the things you need and fishing is too expensive. It is a rich man’s sport.
SO LET’S GIVE A BIG THANK YOU TO DUANE INGLIN (Wow you got second in the “Host Your Own Show competition” they beg me every year to be on it and I tell them to kiss my ass unless I can be a judge. Plus do you really think you’re hot enough or cool enough to be interesting?), TOM NELSON (NICE SAME OLD SAME OLD REUSED PICTURES DUDE HOW DO YOU CLIMB A LADDER?), JOEL SHANGLE (THE BIGGEST WHORE MONGER OF ALL) AND I’D NAME THE OTHER GUYS BUT I LIKE THEM AND THEY AREN’T THAT MUCH OF A SELL OUT.
REMEMBER YOU FISHING PRODUCT SELLOUTS… Why do you do it? It’s not like it made you famous or rich and you never will be. Your infomercials are so boring that most of us sportsman can only handle about five minutes of it and anything you endorse we buy the opposite. And BTW wherever I go, I’m recognized, have tv offers and am loved or hated by one and all. You just melt into the wood work as another beer bellied dude with a bad Jay Buhner goatee.
WHY AM I MAKING FUN OF BAD RADIO? WHEN I HEARD THE BIGGEST WHOREMONGER ON THERE STATE… “I’M NOT AGAINST INDIAN NETTING” SELL OUT AND DID IT HURT WHEN YOU BENT OVER?
Put it this way, when I wake up with a bad Friday hangover, I turn the show on and it gently lulls me back to sleep and imprints into my brain what not to fish with and where. And I love how you copy everything I do. BORING… Procure Borax powder? Really? Notice the fully stocked shelves with not a space to be had. Ma ha ha ha The store owners will be dumping the shit to kill their weeds.
PLEASE PLEASE DON’T EVEN TRY TO COOK YOUR RECIPES MAKE ME VOMIT…
But they’re not that bad. Remember the really cool show that use to be “Hawg Quest”? Where it was awesome as you watched them get wasted and caught fish. The old crew is gone and now we’re left with some silver haired asshole rowing a drift boat that looks like an over done NASCAR. Even NASCAR isn’t that much of a whore.
QUIT WITH THE GODDAMN CHEMICAL SHIT… I went fishing at a famous hatchery hole that I swore I’d never ever go back to and I went and I had a goddamn blast. Gone were the snagging trolls with the ugly sticks, stinky waders and assholes. In its place were gorgeous trucks, dudes in Simms Waders and Frog Toggs, and all were toting $600 12 and a half foot noodle rods.
What I also noticed, that the beautiful waders were stained with bright purple eggs, giant eggs were constantly put on the hook, and every time the decked out fishermen casted the eggs, the eggs lasted like two drifts. So what is the point of all the chemicals, stain and mess when you get like two casts from these highly toxic eggs?
What I did notice and I got a ton of bites (but I didn’t wait long enough to let the springers swallow the hook, now that’s a hook up!) that my eggs lasted forever, looked natural and milked wayyyyyy better than the toxic procure crap. Plus how much fishing are you really doing when you try to wack them out there and they fly off the hook?
NOW I’M GOING TO STATE THIS ONE MORE TIME… My egg cure page has over 20 million hits and I get email from my followers on how awesome my egg cure worked. It’s not about soaking them in nastiness and then drying them out, it is about drying them out before you add all the tasty goodness to them.
I butterfly the eggs, get all the blood off of them, and dry the shit out of them with borax. They get a wonderful leather like texture with awesome goeyiness inside. They last forever and are the actual color of the egg. Fuck pink, orange, purple and fuschia. I’ve out fished the best with my eggs…. Steve Hansen and his 12 jars of special eggs. Yup, him and all my friends bow down to my eggs. And even my egg cure with humpy eggs has beaten them all.
I then keep them in the fridge and they last over three years. I bet that procure shit turns to nuclear liquid in a month.
Go to www.thefishingoddess/eggcure in google.
WARNING THE HEADs OF THE WDFW ARE BRIBED POWER JUNKY ASSHOLES
Be forewarned my fellow hunters and fishermen. The old timers at the WDFW are all retiring and who’s replacing them?
When putting my complaints in to the Region Six head fishery biologist, some geeky nerd from Southern Cally named Kurt Hughes, I was emailing with a total moron.
When complaining about the once vast chum run on the Skagit, he had the gall to inform me that it was from natural causes. Naturally, as chum eggs go for six dollars a pound to the Japanese to be presented on a pad of rice wrap with seaweed. The once healthy run of 200,000 to 500,000 fish was over netted within four years and are now endangered.
Chum, I loved chum. I teach beginner fly fishers how to fly fish on chum and because of some politically correct asshole who refuses to see the nasty tribes of the Lumni and Nooksack netting. These tribes made the Nooksack River a barren wasteland. HOW FUCKIN HARD IS IT TO NOT GO TO THE GODDAMN RIVER AND WATCH THE DEPRAVED TRIBESMEN WITH JETSLED AND PURSE SEIN NETS NETTING SPAWNING FLATS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND TRY TO BLAME IT ON NATURAL CAUSES?
Am I missing something? Am I on drugs? I guess I’m the only one that rows down the river or fishes from the bank that see cranked out meth headed, blonde blue eyed American Indians running up and down the river throwing nets on spawning fish. I guess I’m so mentally ill that I am just imagining the nets strewn across the mouth of the rivers. Yup, the fish aren’t coming back because of natural causes and the “Harbingers of Nature” are naturally netting them. Yup, I’m in a make believe world of “Angie”, I’m the only one that notices that over netting by the tribes of Washington State equals endangered runs of fish and Kurt Hughes and the other idiots running the WDFW throw money at the problem by improving habitat. It doesn’t matter how much you improve habitat…
IF THE GODDAMN FISH CAN’T GET THERE TO SPAWN.
But there is a method to the nastiness of native netting. They are purposely destroying the runs of the rivers so they can sue the shit out of Washington State for mismanagement of the rivers. Don’t believe me? They’re already doing it.
NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT DAVE WARE THE HEAD OF HUNTING IN WASHINGTON STATE
He’s being paid off by the Native Americans and Hancock Timber Company. Is that really my opinion?
Let me describe Dave Ware the future of hunting for Washington State and I as a fortune teller , I’m going to tell you that Dave Ware is selling Western Washington public hunting lands to them. Yup, and I also know for a fact that everyone on the hunting advisory board are archery hunters and we all know how archery hunters want everyone to hunt like them. Kind of like them asshole fly fishers.
Sorry folks that live and hunt along HWY 18 you can’t hunt it anymore. No modern firearms. Ha ha ha…
Snoqualmie you’re next.
Dave Ware and his ferry band of archers are going to make it impossible to hunt anywhere in Western Washington State and they are going to sell all your hunting land to the timber companies and Native Americans.
And what can you do about it? I gathered 700 registered hunter’s signatures, went to meetings, got the high school involved. I did the most organized coo to save elk hunting in Buckley where we shouldn’t have been ignored.
But Hancock and the Muckleshoot bribing the short (almost dwarf like), beady eyed Dave Ware with the insane Game Warden Department backing him (see previous rants) took away most of Buckley’s hunting; leaving us to hunt in the City Limits where you can’t discharge a firearm.
If you think you’re safe think again. If you have a bunch of assholes from Cally coming to work for the WDFW and a bunch of new age archery guys taking over…
And what about the poor 12 year old that can’t hunt on his own property? And how are these future sportsmen going to pay over 350 dollars to walk down a logging road right down the street to hunt for grouse and deer? Who mostly gets fucked in the end by Dave Ware and Kurt Hughes are the “FUTURE SPORTSMEN OF WASHINGTON STATE”.
THANKS RADIO GUYS FOR FIGHTING FOR THEM! BECAUSE HEY NOW THEY WON’T IN THE FUTURE BE ABLE TO BUY YOUR OVER PRICED WORTHLESS SHIT BECAUSE THEY’LL HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO FISH AND HUNT.
POOR POOR FUTURE SPORTSMEN OF WASHINGTON STATE
I bet you my Ford F150 that Dave Ware doesn’t have any children. Because how can a father do that to children. You are a power hungry, tiny and pathetic man. Kind of like my old neighbor.
MERRY HOH HOH HOH CHRISTMAS 2011
Good news for all of you that constantly want me to take them steelhead fishing on the Olympic Peninsula. Yup, I’ll be doing it for about a month and within the last week of contacting clients, probably two months. I don’t know why you insist on it but after guiding for elk for a month out there. I miss the shit out of it. So book now I already got two weeks booked. Oh, and after my clients got about 7 shots at trophy elk (hey, it’s their first time) I could of shot them… I’m already booked for 4 days of archery, 3 days of muzzle loader (not opening day where we would of slayed them if my client didn’t have to take a shit. Don’t ask. LOL)
I did the most evilest thing ever out hunting in Forks and who says I don’t always have my client in mind. Jim Mansfield was even impressed. I was out to the local bar for my birthday and talking to a bunch of elk guides. Well, they tried to get me drunk, but I tossed it on the floor. As they got drunker and drunker, they kept asking me where all the bulls I was bragging about that I have found were. Looks like the Oly Pen guides are not only lazy in fishing but lazy asses that don’t even scout for their elk clients. So I told them some roads above where I was hunting and the dumb fucks as I drove to my spot, were in position and pushed the herd right down to me. Who says I’m not completely scientific? And who says I’m not the “most interesting woman in the world” you know like the beer commercial?
So Hiddy Hoh my sportsmen and women out there. This blog will be like the new book I’m currently working on… a collection of short stories. Because how can I even tell some of the best hunting and fishing stories EVER!!!!!
WHO IS THE BIGGEST DUMBASS IN ALL OF THE OUTDOOR WORLD?
You be the judge. It is an all out tie right now between BOOBY BALLESS OR BOB BALL OF PISCATORIAL PURSUITS, JUSTIN MASCHOFF GAME WARDEN STALKER OF THE LOVELY MISS ANGIE OR
DAVE WARE “BEWARE” HEAD OF THE GAME MANAGEMENT ADVISORY BOARD OF WASHINGTON STATE THAT IS STILL GIVING ME THE RUN AROUND ABOUT DISABLED/VETERAN HUNTERS… THAT I NOW HAVE ASKED COUNTLESS TIMES TO SET ME UP WITH SOME THING FOR THEM. (He finally gave in as I mentioned that if he would of let me be on the board, I would be totally professional. Make me have to blog about your ass… I just have to get “All Angie on your ass!” I much rather email you professionally than blog and make fun of your ass. What makes me expend more energy? Complaining or talking politics that I’ve already researched?
These tales won’t just make your hair stand up on the back of your neck at the stupidity, the audacity and the total lack of accountability… that these persons have. It will make you scream like the Twilighters did when “Bella died in child birth”. Speaking about being subjected to the Twilight shit in Forks, I have a suggestion for another movie.
Wayyyyyyy hotter than the flat chested bella... good movie too. Kind of campy...
Can we do a series of movies on “Little Red Riding Hood”? Much hotter chick, Amanda Siegfried, Bella looks like a retarded brooding werewolf puppy compared to the lovely Blonde hair blue eyed beauty that is Amanda., but we need “Team Jacob” from Twilight to be her werewolf lover. For some reason, they used bad “Team Edward” look a likes for the film. Trust me, director of the movie. No one would care if “Red Riding Hood II” recasted the part with “Team Jacob”.
For those of you that have never watched or refused to watch the EPIC Twilight Series… I’ll explain it to you simply; you have some emu depressed chick being fought over by some skinny, pasty, pretty boy that is way prettier than she is (how can they possibly be soul mates? ) vampire, and a hot perfectly built stud that likes to kill vampires, as the werewolf. Don’t believe me go to Three River’s Campground and witness for your very selves the vampire/werewolf treaty boundry line.
I’m thinking about slitting my wrists and standing on the wrong side of it, in hopes that a blood thirsty vampire will cross it and I get to witness firsthand the werewolves tearing the vampire too pieces as they try to save me.
And if this whole “Twilight Forks Thing” were true, I’d really really do it and invite all my friends to watch the carnage. I’d also have a silver and wooden stake in my purse. So if they attack me I just have to stab them with whatever kills them… Sooo not a big deal. I watched every “Buffy The Vampire Slayer Episodes”. I got my Buffy moods down, people.
I don't care if this is a photo shopped wolf picture it gives me a hard on to kill one.
HOW REALLY REALLY STUPID IS BOB BALL FROM PISCATORIAL PURSUITS?
The reason why I’m using his real name and his web site is due to the fact that this really happened and Bob Ball with two clients in toe or would that be hoove, put his life in jeopardy and that of the scare out shitless couple in the front of his boat. How’d he do dat? You have to read on to believe it.
Yup, and just when you thought no one could be that stupid… before we go on, let’s see who’s stupider besides Justin Maschoff (my stalker game warden, did I mention he surveillanced me above my bedroom window with sheer curtains adorning them. On and off all of last year) I guess I must poach naked from my bedroom every window night for him to do think that. Why else would you post up above my bedroom window… That’s a statement not a question.
OH NO ANGIE JUST LOST FOCUS… Come on we want to hear about Booby. Sorry, boys we have to talk about my stalker game warden dude first. You wish you all had some chick doing this to you. That would be cool for a guy but for a chick that can “get” with anyone she wants? I don’t want some guy I think is a dweeb watching me. Actually, I’d rather have a chick watch me and that’s what they should of done.
Derek "Sasquatch Hunter Fame" deer camp. Guess who's guiding him on a
I’m going to portray my game warden stalker Justin Maschoff’s fantasy as he jacks off. Because really what else could he be doing up there night after night as he watches me sleeping naked? Here’s a play by play… this is going to get a little sexual and x rated now.
“Oh yeah, I know she’s going to wake up. Oh yeah baby, an elk is going to cross her driveway any minute and with Angie’s super poaching powers, she is going to automatically wake up and open her bedroom window, Oh yeah… she’s going to open that bedroom window up and oh yeah… (Heavy Heavy breathing) her breasts in the moonlight glistening with the barrel of that gun she keeps by the window… and oh yeah, oh yeah, oh Angie…. Shoot it, pleeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeeeeee!!!!!” I ain’t explaining the rest. Don’t most of you do this in the shower every morning before you go to work?
That was an awesome “Angie Moment Aside”. YUCK… I bet he probably whistled for one of my dogs afterwards to wipe off his hands. Really dude? My dogs never disappear behind my house unless they’re chasing game wardens or elk, or bear, or cougar, or coons. Justin just proved how much dogs do like peanut butter and like to lick. Consistency like peanut butter? That’s a long long time between, I can’t even go there. I do have limits to my sickness.
Check out this breast glistening.. that's because it is perfectly cooked, dudes.
Like I tolds you Captain Brinson and Chief Sunhi. DON’T YOU FIND THAT FRICKIN HELLA CREEPY???
And my perfect 36 Cs do glisten in the moonlight. Visualize, Elizabeth Hurley’s breast glistening in the moonlight in that movie she did on a sailboat with Shaun What’s his name, you know “Fast Times at Ridgemount High” fame. I took the picture into my plastic surgeon. Orvis Boy thinks Elizabeth Hurley’s body is perfection. Hey, if you don’t like her… he paid for it so he gets whatever he wants. Just giving you a visual. Hey, if Justin Maschoff ruined his career over them, you might want to envision why. Aren’t guys all about being visual?
WHERE WERE WE?
HOW STUPID IS BOB BALL?
Stupider than a farmer that works on his tractor’s transmission as it is still running… Died
Stupider than a tiger keeper that runs out of money and tries to feed her tigers road kill… Died
Stupider than a Mt. Everest climbing guide taking out of shape people to the top and then decides to try to save them? Died.
Stupider than a guy that runs across the West Seattle Bridge in rush hour and got hit by a truck, didn’t die but is going to make some money… as the Seattle Police Department made fun of him on their desk cameras. The poor jogger was just doing what the mayor of Seattle wanted. Maybe, once in a while Bob might get lucky, like he did that day. He sure hasn’t since he married Cowee.
Yup, I put them up all over my property to find out just when and where my stalker game warden was trespassing. After knifing this off and trying to tear down the (METAL SIGNS PUT IN WITH A DRILL) he figured out that he was being set up. I even put dates on the stickers. Ma ha ha ha... someone obviously has anger management issues. How do I know he was above my bedroom window? Hoofprints and night vision goggle parts.
Here’s the story… so the day before, I had caught a 70 pound king and broke the state record. That would be my third time people… Remember I use to fish the Skagit. Notice my trying to get it on the books. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I’m not a fame seeker. All I have to do is show it at the boat launch and the whole state knows about it.
The next day we go fishing with an evening hunt in mind. I had heard an elk at this particular place on the river a couple days before, so Miss Angie’s drift boat was toting some heavy heavy artillery.
So first thing in the morning, I go to my elk spot. And all of sudden, some young twenty year old indian comes drifting by as the elk were coming out to the bank. And it all made sense as to why all them trees that were chained saw and blocking the corner of the river trying to stop us guides from fishing. The day before there were no trees that were chain sawed blocking the river. Especially around a hair pin corner.
Being kind of nice. I told him to get the fuck out of here, because we’re hunting…
He responded with the best line ever… “This is my river.”
My client Keith and I immediately started laughing since he’s ¼ Cherokee and I’m 1/4th Mitese…
“Really, you racist pig. This is also my river I’m indian and so is my buddy. So that makes it “our river” because we out number you right now. The idiot did not notice the three rifles in the boat. “Hey, notice we’re hunting and have guns in the boat?” The light bulb so went on over his head. I also mentioned… It wasn’t a threat it was a statement.
That's my herd. and I poached everyone of them and their gut piles are all over the place. It looks like a scene in War Horse... It's amazing what a full metal jacketed .223 round will do when fired from multiple AR 15s... the animals bleed perfusely with 15 holes a piece in them. I'll watch CSI and learn how to take blood samples off of grass. But you must believe everything on the internet.
“If you ever cut down logs to try to stop driftboats from going down the river and endangering lives, I’ll so go to the Federal authorities and turn you in for endangering lives. I’ll just tell them that you said you could do what you want, because it’s your river and BTW you ain’t on your reservation, bitch.”
He rowed away super duper fast. I wonder why? And BTW if you notice Native Americans endangering your lives in this manner, you too can call the Federal Authorities. Just because they are ethnic, doesn’t mean they can try to murder you. Just because they are a minority doesn’t mean they can do reverse ethnic cleansing.
So figuring the trip was a bust, we caught a few fish. Before we left I decided to for shits and giggles…. Do an elk call. I didn’t have to but I figured what the heck. Immediately like 40 yards upstream exactly above the boat I heard the big bull. We immediately snuck out of the boat armed and dangerous.
I thought to myself that the “retard that is Bob Ball” who was behind us and I couldn’t see him and hadn’t seen him for hours, wouldn’t be stupid enough if he saw us go into the woods “armed and dangerous” be possibly so stupid to even row down where we were at. I know I wouldn’t even think about it. And if he would have done this to my handicap hunter guys, who tried the same hunt before. All the guides in Forks would of done whatever they like to do to Booby when he pisses all of us off.
AND EVERY HANDICAP GUIDE WOULD HAVE DESCENDED UPON FORKS LIKE THE LOCUST IN THE BIBLE AND SEEK HIM OUT AND MAKE HIM FIND GOD. HEY, IF BOB IS SO COOL TO ALL THESE CATCH AND RELEASE NAZIS… WHY DOESN’T HE TAKE DISABLED VETS AND HANDICAPPED GUYS FOR FREE LIKE I DO? I’M NOT SURE HE’S A CHRISTIAN BUT I THINK HE PLAYS ONE ON TV.
So Keith who couldn’t smell the elk or hear where it was I sent downstream in case it ran out that way. I took his son and as we snuck up to the monster bull, his gun jammed. I was ready to shoot and the bull was so horny (as in a six by six) with a full hard on (jesus Christ that elk scent really works) he didn’t have a clue and as I raised rifle, to shoot it, when all of a sudden the beast started to run. I shot and missed and shot again but when I did Jesse and I heard a metallic ping. I go to Jesse, “what the fuck did I hit that is metal in the goddamn rain forest?” Jesse just shrugged his shoulders.
As we went back to the boat I looked up stream and noticed that Bob Ball had rowed down to the elk and had tried to scare it so I wouldn’t shoot it or was he just that stupid? I just had to fuckin ask.
“Dude, did you see us go into the woods to shoot some thing?”
Keith the father was just walking up to the boat and all of a sudden got super pissed.
The answer just amazed me…
“Ha ha ha… yeah, I rowed up next to the elk so I’d scare it off so you wouldn’t shoot it. Ha ha ha I did it on purpose.”
Instead of getting mad, I almost burst out laughing… there was no way I could of seen him because the river was lower than the bank.
“So you rowed up next to the elk that I was shooting at to scare it and ruin my hunt?”
“ha ha ha yup.”
My client immediately, yelled at him… “You do know you stupid bitch that she could of killed you?”
I started laughing. It was totally worth it not to kill the bull because to tell the tale of how stupid Bob Ball was that in his hatred of me, he wanted to fuck my clients and I out of a bull and so put him and his clients in the line of fire of my bullets? Really? REALLY?
Then I noticed that he had a super duper older couple and the wife looked like she was crying. I guess I would be crying to if I had cartridges flying over my head.
The best part of the day was me telling every guide on the river, especially Jimmy Mansfield, what he did. At the boat launch as I slowly slowly told Bob how much he came to dying or his clients dying, was so much fun. It was like talking to a ADD five year old. All the other guides were laughing their asses off.
I also notice from being out there for two weeks, the best salmon season ever, even with the Indians netting like they do… Bob wasn’t cleaning fish with the rest of us on the other side of the boat launch. And none of his clients looked too please.
If someone that went with Booby Balless salmon fishing that was unhappy wants to spill the beans. Can you let me know if the idiot is still using size 16 Kwik fish? And take a picture of the bullet hole that should be in the right hand side of his faggot “Wild Hair” drift boat looking downstream. I’ll take ya fishing and you’ll catch for free.
Caught this evil little sucker in my pheasant cage. He wanted to be a bird but that didn't happen. I guarded my pheasant in 20 degree weather till my husband came home. I guess my messages to my friends as I grossed out (okay, there's a reason my farm has three barn cats... I hate cats even more than rodents? Maybe there at the same level?
Or is Justin Maschoff even more of a dumbass….
Before we go into some of the funniest shit you’ll ever read… we must go into an update of…
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY CRACKED OUT NEIGHBOR THAT USED TO LIVE NEXT DOOR…
You know the “Muckleshoot elk/predator biologist.” If you lose your right to discharge a firearm because you did a “felony trespass” and can’t hunt for them anymore… Serves you right, you derange pediphile voyeur… he’d probably already be arrested for it, but they have no friends and no friends means no children that he could molest. I’m serious… I’ve seen no one ever visit them so that means there’s no possibility that he could molest a child unless they hunted for the Muckleshoots.
Did he move and disappear because of the following reasons:
He got caught doing a felony trespass in my barn when my neighbor’s lovely beautiful daughter drove up to feed my animals TWO HOURS after I left to guide for elk out in Forks, with game warden Dustin watching him commit such a crime.
BTW Captain Brinson, I need a report from Dustin for my new restraining order that he witness some one violate his own restraining order. I don’t recall that officers of the law cannot not report a criminal act. I’m sure he didn’t know there was a restraining order. Though I know you knew there was. A gamewarden witnessing a felony trespass with “No trespassing Signs” everywhere? Like 20 feet in direct view of the barn. Isn’t it by law that he has to give him a ticket?
If you were a beautiful innocent country girl feeding your neighbors animals and this jumped at you from out of her barn, wouldn't you be weirded out? Now who the hell is going to feed my animals when Orvis boy and I go on trip together?
Even if you didn’t know there was a restraining order. I think going into an outbuilding with a very posted farm is a big big no no. Though I know Justin Maschoff’s been in my barn. Really? You don’t think I don’t notice what’s going on on my farm? It is all logged in a ledger, every date, every incident.
And let’s not forget the pictures I have of Justin Maschoff… What I couldn’t afford to buy a few more trail cameras? Really?
Captain Brinson knew about the restraining order, Dustin what’s his name knows the law that you can’t trespass especially what a felony trespass???? That he witnessed and even encouraged? Oh, and shouldn’t he of written him a ticket right then and there?
ISN’T IT A CRIME FOR A LAW OFFICER THAT WITNESSES A CRIME NOT TO ARREST OR CAN HE JUST IGNORE IT? IT ISN’T FOR A LAW OFFICER TO BE JUDGE AND JURY… THEY ONLY SERVE AND IT SEEMS SOMEONE DIDN’T SERVE.
YES, CAPTAIN BRINSON, I’VE BEEN TRYING TO MENTION THIS VERY IMPORTANT FACT. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WATCHING A FELONY TRESPASS AND HARRASSSING AN INNOCENT YOUNG GIRL THAN WATCHING SOME ONE ROBBING A BANK?
Did my crack head neighbor David Vales move and disappear because the Sheriff Deputy Officer Holden kept calling him, waited at his gate and called him while she watched him run and hide into his out building and he refused to be confronted or questioned. ADMISSION OF GUILT? FUCK YEAH!!!!
I’M SOOOOO GETTING ANOTHER RESTRAINING ORDER AND WHEN YOU COME TO COURT EVEN WITH YOUR HIGHLY PAID LAWER… YOU’LL GET THE BOOK THROWN AT YOU. AND GO TO JAIL AND NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO CARRY A GUN… HOPE YOU MOVED OUT OF STATE.
Yup, I shot all these with the same full metal Jacketed .223 whatever thing. I believe everything on the internet. Hey, Justshoot Must shoot!!!! Want to hold your gun to my head and force me to drive 11 hours to Idaho to find these gut piles?
BUT IT GETS EVEN EVEN BETTER…
My husband and I would occasionally drive around at night shooting raccoons… we have a lot of predators because of our birds. Wink Wink Or decide to work in the barn… sometimes my husband can’t sleep and has to work in the barn at 10 oclock at night. Wink Wink… to some cracked out neighbors this might be construed as we’re up to “NO GOOD” and we’d always do it right before there was some blizzard or sub zero weather.
Because “ultra paranoid neighbor” would cry wolf and call Justin Maschoff and tell him we’re poaching. Man, did I feel sorry for Justin and his underlings. Can you imagine if you’re stupid enough to believe some paranoid freak that watches his neighbors because his fat wife won’t let him watch tv…
I wonder how many hours and hours and hours the game department spent on his delusions? I wonder how stupid Justin was after spending hours and hours in the freezing cold due to his delusions?
Maybe we should just let my blog be that more interesting and I use the “Freedom of Information Act” to see just how much time and money was spent on stalking me. But if they don’t want to give it to me he’s probably under investigation. Then they can’t give it to me. I think for shits and giggles when I have a cold and some down time I should go there. It would be awesome to find out how much my voyeur stalker neighbor used the game warden department to stalk me and how much it cost.
AND AGAIN I CAN’T POSSIBLY MAKE THIS SHIT UP.
Or hey Just Shoot Must Shoot.... How bout we go drive over to SD with a gun to my head and find these gutpiles?
BTW IF YOU HAVE A COMPLAINT ABOUT BEING ABUSED BY SOME LAWLESS GAME WARDEN THAT HAS LITERALLY GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND THE LAW BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN… THERE IS A WEBPAGE THAT YOU CAN COMPLAIN TOO.
I have even more shit on my crack head neighbor and his game warden stalker puppet. But I have to finish this blog some time.
NOW IT’S TIME FOR ANGIE’S HANDICAP HUNTING AND FISHING ADVENTURES AND THE HEAD OF THE HUNTING DEPARTMENT OF WASHINGTON STATE THAT JUST DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.
David Ware… BTW you have seriously pissed off my husband and we actually act independently and think independently… he’s not my puppet and he moves in different circles and would be the most informed member of your board. Being an MIT graduate redneck hunter, he moves in different circles. There’s no reason for him not to be on the board and he actually has a penis and he’d fit perfectly on your board. Especially, since he was the biggest executive asshole at in the history of Boeing.
MERRY XMAS BOYZ... The girls and I at a bad sweater party. where do I find all these "Happy Bunny Shirts"????? Hey Dave Beware... you can come out next year if you put all your focus on handicap hunters and open some gates. Pretty please Mister Beware... pleaseeeeeeeee open the gates for our Veteran Boys and Girls and our handicaps. It's not their fault they don't know anyone with thousands of acres of private logging roads filled with deer and elk. We'll even stick you underneath the Mistletoe!
I’m gonna be super duper nice. I didn’t get on the game advisory board because the 25 emails you got from all my friends from all over the state that I represent didn’t seem to matter, the fact that I would be the only female on the board that hunts elk all over the state unlike most hunters (I get so bored shopping at the same store, it’s like hunting for shoes…)
I know you really really care about the Handicap Hunters and how fucked they are in the State of Washington. And I’m sure you’ll bend over backwards to help them. My personal agenda of representing all of Buckley, Burnett, Enumclaw and Wilkenson GMU doesn’t matter, even with the 700 signatures I gave you and BTW I have 300 more… that agenda takes a back seat to anything handicapped or disabled..
Unlike your personal agenda.
If you hunters and fishers don’t believe me that you’re taking a back seat to the poor poor archery hunter dweebs that run the board. BEWARE OF WARE…
He’s the Sheriff of Nottingham and gets to tell everyone in Washington State where and who can take the “Crown’s Elk” and who can’t. All game animals are property of the State of Washington and the power hungry overlord gets to parcel them out. And he seems to prefer archers… and not the LONG BOW KIND.
Let’s play nice before Miss Angie makes everyone cry over the plight of the “Handicap Hunters of Washington State.” Still getting the runaround. It seems NO ONE WILL OPEN UP A FUCKIN GATE TO LET THESE GUYS ROAD HUNT AND SUGGEST THEY FIND ROAD HUNTING ON PRIVATE LAND.
REALLY? IT SAYS THAT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE REGS BOYS AND GIRLS AND THAT’S FUCKIN FUCKED UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT OTHER STATES DO?
WOW, YOU CAN’T WALK OR SEE, HERE’S A GATE KEY. GO FOR IT!!!!
My elk bitch with his elk... Boy, when "Big John" gets back from Utah... We're gonna tear up the Peninsula for natives. Dead Nate, Dead Nate, ohhhhhh so many dead nates!
OUR STATE? WE CAN’T ENFORCE IT SO YOU CAN’T HUNT IT. OMG WE HAVE TO ENFORCE HANDICAP HUNTERS? I’d let them hunt over a barrel of donuts. That’s right in every other state but ours you can! Oh, that’s an awesome “Handicap Hunter Proposal.”
A LOT OF THEM WOULD LIVE REALLY WELL AND BE HEALTHIER BECAUSE GAME MEAT ROCKS.
Again… BEWARE OF WARE…
It’s been rumored by more than one person on the WDFW and the hunters that know the hunters on the Hunting Advisory Board that some one is being monetary coerced. A little research and I can find out exactly what’s going on. But do I have to really go there? Just repeating the many rumors I heard of you… “Beware of Ware” you really don’t start representing the handicap and actual hunters of Washington and keep doing your sneaky ass shit… I’ll have to research it, get testimony… (and yes I have some serious pissed off dudes that you have totally fucked over the last few years)… I think you should change your evil ways and do your job.
I do have serious statements about you being on the take. Otherwise, why would you keep helping special interest groups (Muckleshoots, archery fags and etc…) oh and fuck the disabled they don’t give me shit. If I started a collection among the handicap and the disabled veterans? Would you represent them like you should? Maybe at the next auction to raise money for their special needs, we’ll just hand it over to you to just get our basic needs met. Like a damn awesome place to road hunt.
Or you can stop having special interests. A real hunter and sportsman has no special interests. Except to kill and eat it.
Remember you mentioned respect and I should kiss your ass to be on the Game Board? I don’t have to dude, every meeting is open to the public And I’m going to all of them. Beware of Ware? Show Washington Hunters that you have some respect for them and maybe you’ll earn mine. Or change your “special sneaky interest ways”.
LIMITS OF STEELHEAD... LIMITS AND LIMITS AND LIMITS....
My ideal proposal for the handicap hunters and disabled veterans from the arms forces is the following:
A handicap hunter or disabled veteran that has to crawl thru dead fall to a hunting spot when he buys his tag gets all season to fill it on both sides of the state. They’re fuckin disabled and should have a longer chance to hunt.
What does this mean in layman terms… When a disabled hunter buys a tag he gets to hunt from archery to modern firearm on both the east and west sides of the state.
And why not? Our Native Americans do. So are we saying they need more oppurtunities to hunt than the disabled? I guess if you’re a disabled Native American you get to hunt with a fucking gatlin gun.
Oh and for all you Seattle Hunters out there. Guess what you didn’t know was going to happen that “Beware of Ware” didn’t mention? All of King County below Hwy 18 is close to any sort of shooting… Muzzle loader, rifle, and shot gun. You are so fucked.
Merry Xmas Everyone! I’m working on my fishing and hunting proposals. Send it to me, show up to a meeting you lazy fucks or lose your rights. I can’t do good for you unless you bitch as much as me!!!!
And right now it is all about my disabled hunters… ever see a fucker crawl up a muddy boat launch… all the guides on the Peninsula did. They were like… what’s with the dude crawling thru the mud up the boat launch… I told you, you stupid ucks… I was taking some cool ass handicapped guys out.
I guess they had to see it to believe it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!! THE SORENSONS LOVE YOU ALL AND HAVE A GREAT AND SAFE HUNTING AND FISHING SEASON!!!!!
My elk bitch... "Big John"with a very impressive cut...
Don Edmond's daughter wins the "Miss Cutest New Huntress USA"
Buddy of mine from BC... dude, if you got me an elk like that you wouldn't be holding that rack but my fine rack... LOL
Hey dudes, I got me a "Go Pro Camera" so stay tuned for some awesome videos!!!!!
Angie stalking three bucks
Angie practicing for the logging show "ma and pa saw"
Angie going down with Jim Mansfield down "Barrel Rapids" on the Sol duc
OCTOBER UPDATE 2011
Hiddy Hoh, as in Hoh River for all of you that don’t know what “Hoh” means. “I remember a couple of years ago when I tried to find the number for “coho resorts” in Seiku from directory assistance the African American operator thought I was pranking him and hung up on me when I tried to explain it to him that a coho was a salmon and hung up on me. So I guess us fishermen have to be careful with them indian names. If ya know what I mean?
Had an awesome week out in Forks for king fishing and elk hunting. I have some major tips for all you elk hunters out there in regards to patience and scent. If you really want to know why I can hang within a herd for hours, have stupid horny bulls just walk up to me and I follow them read on.
So last week I set up “Stealth Elk Camp” where nobody knows except for my clients where it was, and I get paid really really well for it. After a year of scouting, I take my “boy toy hunters” and stick them in prime bull elk country and we’re talking the best bulls out there not them “Rocky Mountain White Trash Bulls” but the cream of the crop bulls. The mighty Roosevelts! Racks are cooler, meat taste better because they are browsers (like goats) and their hides make a much better couch cover. After setting up my boys, I took off to Forks and did the most stupidest thing ever.
I tried to fish for kings and hunt for Roosies at the same time. I spread myself a little too thin so thin that I had to have one of my clients take my boat back. How thin was I spread? Like the border patrol down in Mexico, like the Seahawk offensive line, or like butter for a fat chick following a diebetic diet.
Being in Forks hunting, not only do I have a ton of issues like fishing. I just can’t take the Twilight thing anymore. As I drove around with my girlfriends out there, I embarrass the shit out of them by doing the following; every time I saw a group of twilighters I did the following…
Screaming out my truck window…. “Bella” “Bellaaaaaa” in Marlen Brando style.
Screaming out my truck window… “Bella I can’t find you! Slit your wrists so I can find you!”
I can’t believe all the tourist traps and corny sayings. What you’ll find strange are all the wood bundles that are for sale so you can have a “Bella Bonfire”. You have “Twilight wood” and “Bella’s Bundles”. The tackiest thing was that they have a parking spot for Edward’s doctor dad at the hospital, and the corniest thing of all is at the Three Rivers Resort was a “Vampire Danger Sign” like the “Fire Danger Sign” which of course says that it is very high.What I’m most afraid of is going over the “Mora Road Boundary” and visiting the Quilayute Nation’s Capital LaPush. Who even knows how they interpretated Twilight’s Werewolf story. If I go over there and see that all their indian art is composed of wolf legends, I’m going to join Bella in the rain forest and slit my wrists so Edward can find me and make me relive Fork’s Twilight for all of eternity.
This muzzle loader season saw Miss Angie walking up again abd calling in big bulls. Unfortunately, I wasn’t suppose to be where I was legally (about a couple hundred yards off of the unit boundary) so instead of shooting two perfect bulls, I got again to take pictures of them as we stood there staring at each other and I’m going to again reiterate the importance of scent.
Most hunters like to hunt upwind but if you are down wind and you think you’re screwed or what I call barbless…
Random tangent time! When Orvis Boy, my best hunting client Mister Winter, and I fished for kings on the tide it was sick sick sick… I have a new plug that will out fish any other plug out there, it is a size 14 Kwik fish that is orangey and I hand paint it. It is such an awesome plug we named it… “Sure Bet”, of course “Sure Bet” couldn’t keep the kings from going into two snags, or keep my drag from sticking on an untune reel (which is now tuned up) and it sure couldn’t save the king that Miss Angie played for 20 minutes that she got on a blue fox with a hoochie skirt, especially when she got worried as the king went for the snag and she stated to Orvis Boy, “that spinner better not be barbless or you’re dead”.
New f-word for Miss Angie. Instead of “fucking” we say “barbless”. Yup, you “barbless Asshole” if you go through my tackle box again and debarb my hooks while drunk worried about me getting a barbed ticket, I’m going to “barbless” beat you with a baseball bat till you’re “barbless” dead.”
Here’s my best “barbless” elk hunting tip. Use scent. If you don’t and you aren’t upwind you can call or scent in that trophy bull. If you spray said scent up in the air and you here a bugle from a large bull and he starts coming towards you wait. You’ll be surprise how quiet they are because they just appear. Wait for it to get to you and“Shoot the barbless thing!”
So what colors do you paint on your killer kwik fish? Book a trip and find out.
So what kind of scent do you put on yourself and spray into the air? Book a trip and find out.
So what color hoochie skirt do you put on? Book a trip and find out. I find it funny that the local guides don’t put them on the spinners anymore but at $7.00 for five skirts I’m thinking them locals are being cheap asses again.
Also, remember one thing when hanging with an elk herd… be prepared to go into the deepest depths of the forest and note how you get in there. Because coming out can make an “I came back sore trip to I came back from hunting and couldn’t move for four days and how did my body get so battered and bruised. I could go to Social Services and throw my “barbless husband” in jail by just lifting up my shirt. Yup, them “Twilight Trees” attack you ferociously.
Vote “no for 1183”… if you live in a small town or like decadent liquor be prepared to travel for it. Two of my favorite liquor store owners or small business owners that employ 10 people will soon be out of a job , all that tax money will go to the “general fund of Washington State like every fuckin other tax revenue” does, and the increase in small tow DUIs will sky rocket.
Going to the ultimate Halloween Party this year. Can’t figure out who I want to be. Snooki from Jersey Shore fame. Found the ultimate leopard outfit with bad fur jacket and will spray my awesome body with fluorescent orange or after watching the UFC Fight I might get the “UFC Ring Girl” outfit. Gotta love Dana White for offering that up. The minions of UFC Fight Ring Girls UNITE!
Is she spray tan or is that her original color?
HUNTING NUMBER ONE TIP FOR NORTHWEST MUZZLE LOADERS… Sorry boys, take your old muzzle loader and place it above the fireplace replacing grandpa’s ancient shot gun or throw it in a vat of acid and watch the “barbless” piece of shit melt in your happy gaze. Why are you happy that your ancient out of date muzzle loader melts slowly? I can count on both hands how many times that piece of shit denied me in the worst of the worst weather conditions. The NORTHWEST MUZZLELOADER THE VORTEX EDITION… Will go off no matter what. Stuck in a Forks rain storm? Walking out on trails full of five foot dripping wet hemlocks? Your Vortex is wetter than a canoe paddle?
Go back to camp and “KABOOOMMMMM”, am I endorsing the NW Edition Vortex? Well, yeah…When you hunt like I do in the nastiest, wettest, bulliest conditions and your muzzle loader goes off? I’d get one. If you don’t you’re a dumbass.
Got to get ready for king fishing over in Forks and guiding bear, deer, elk and cohos on the Skagit. I have a little mini vacation before I’m again off to the races.Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or 425-478-6683
SEPTEMBER 2011 UPDATE
I can’t believe I’m actually saying this but thank god, it is raining. So far this salmon season has been a pain in the ass because of little rain which is keeping the salmon from moving up in droves. My buds are slaughtering the fish in the low tidal waters but that is about it. So since it is raining I’m taking off tomorrow with clients/friends to SW Washington for some good fishing. Right now I’m just happier than a hunting dog eating my neighbor’s ducks. (Snot I know you’ll appreciate that one.)
Now that it is finally raining and going to rain all week, it will be a slaughter fest for Miss Angie as she goes muzzle loader hunting and Chinook fishing out on the coast. After I get that 7X6 with my name on it, I’m then gonna be a hunting for gold.
A lot of people really don’t know how to chantrelle hunt and very few people know that they are everywhere, you just have to know what climate is conducive for them to grow. I’m not giving you any areas where I hunt them but here’s a few basics for any mushroom hunting beginner.
Find second generation fir, look on the south eastern slope or south eastern side on a flat patch of firs. If there are alders mixed in, you can count on no mushrooms. Chantrelles love pine needles mixed in with moss. Alders suck all the life out of the soil and all the moisture. Alders are kind of like the whores of the forest, if you know what I mean.
Go in about 150 yards, once you find some, circle around the mushrooms and see how they grow in a certain direction and go along it. Chantrelles are part of the Ribosome family and have a line underground in the soil.
When you pick them use a plastic knife or butter knife (there is a reason why my husband can’t butter his toast in the morning). Leave the stem and never pull them all the way out or your little patches of gold will go extinct. Kind of like what happened in Darrington/Snohomish Valley area. Yup, there are idiots out there that pull them all the way out so the mushrooms will never return again.
Whatever you do, don’t tell any Asian people. No, I’m not being racist but hey, ever notice that there are no tidal pools anymore? Asian people are like locust. They don’t have any idea that if you take all the mushrooms, sea cucumbers, sea urchins, they don’t come back. I don’t know if it is greed or ignorance, but maybe a little of both.
My husband always tells a funny story of when he went to Korea on business. He was walking through the forest and some thing was wrong. He couldn’t put his finger on it but it dawned on him that there were no little forest creatures running around or making noise. He asked his friend why that was…
“The hunters have killed them all.” Was the answer. I think maybe “CONSERVATION” isn’t a big deal in Asian culture. Ie Japanese and whales.
Things to watch out for while chantrelle hunting. Fishing line strewn everywhere. Yup, some people are soooo stupid and can’t read a compass that they tie the line to a tree and walk in. I can’t fathom such stupidity but I’ve notice the fishing line of choice is Blue Stren, thus, it all now makes sense.
Also it is that time of year again where the bald face hornets leave their paper nests and go underground with the female queen larvae. The male hornets will soon die a horrible painful death when the frost hits but that’s not good enough. I’d like to find every bald face hornet and stick a pin in their little bodies and take a lighter to them and watch them burn alive. Do you think I’ll get in trouble with PETA again for wanting to torture poor little insects.
Let me tell you a little tale. While chantrelle hunting, I answered my cell phone. My dogs came at me running for their lives and I started felling stings. I looked down at my legs and they were covered with hornets. Instinctively screaming the whole way I made it to my truck but they still didn’t stop. I had to strip off my clothes and ran naked in hiking boots till they stopped chasing me.
After using my baseball cap to kill the last of them that were stuck in my thighs and back, I ran back to my truck, my prized labs looking at me guiltily. I all of a sudden realized that I couldn’t breathe and was having an asthma attack. So sucking on my breather I barely made it to the local medical clinic because I started to fall asleep.
How poisonous are bald face hornets? They rank right up there with trantualas and scorpions being the fourth most painful bite in the insect world. My idiot doctor didn’t really look at the stings and so after icing them I noticed stingers were left in some of the stings so I had to remove them with tweezers. And as for the itching? No matter what you put on them except for ice, only time will heal your wounds.
Top things to do while Chantrelle hunting:
1. Bring a compass and take a reading whenever entering the woods from the road.
2. Note where the sun is if it is sunny. It only takes minutes of picking before you become disoriented. Especially, on flat ground.
3. Even though it is hunting season and you want to wear red, orange or yellow. Those colors attract hornets.
4. Don’t bring your dogs, see the above
5. Bring an epipen in case you get stung.
6. There are always bears somewhere. If the bear is between you and your girlfriend make sure she doesn’t leave you behind.
7. Have your car keys hidden somewhere see the bear thing. Nothing like standing on top of your girlfriend’s husband’s truck cab with sticks as the bear walks around the truck.
8. If you get lost don’t go around in circles following the drunk guy that knows the way out.
9. Beer cans make great trail markers.
10. If you run into some meth heads you can save a life by asking to see their mushrooms and point out the poisonous ones. (Nope, I can’t make this shit up.)
John Thompson's death camp...
I can’t believe that most hunters can’t kill an elk. All it takes is a lot of scouting. Being down wind, being stanked up, and being quiet. Some people describe them as “ghosts in the woods”. If hunters call elk ghosts I don’t know what they are smoking but I’d like to describe them as “monsters in the woods”.
My biggest tip for wannabe elk hunters? Use your nose. Smell something nasty (musty nasty)? That’s an elk, walk towards it, make sure it is legal and shoot it. If you smell something even nastier, like a garbage dump, that’s a bear. Shoot that too. If you feel like you’re being followed in the woods after you stanked up. You are, shoot whatever is following you , too.
I’m off for some killer king fishing, hunting, bird hunting, and outdoor adventure. When I get back I’ll be guiding for salmon and a couple of elk hunts. Where will I be guiding? That’s for me to know and the people that send me deposits know.
I’ve decided that you don’t have to live on a river to guide successfully. Some of my guide buddies are stealth guides. They take their clients and do fisheries that most people don’t know about. I’ve always been like that and never realized I was being a stealth guide. I get super irritated when some one emails me and wants to know too much information. Those aren’t clients those are cheapass bastards that want free information.
How to tell these fellas from a real client? A real client says I want to go fishing and I’ll be there on such and such a date. But if you have some guy that wants to know all the seasons, what river, what fish, how to fish for them… don’t fall for it. I’ve noticed a lot of fly fishers do this more than the gear guys.
Oh, and about my last rant on why I’m such a heartless bitch. I get sick and tired of being trolled on the internet, having assholes talk shit about me, and no one understanding that I will not be irritated by stupid people. After being a guide for more than 10 years, either guiding friends or clients, I’ve gone through enough shit that I don’t take anything sitting down anymore. I’m hardcore and if you play nice I’ll play nice but if not…
Here's a picture for 3 Rivers Marine... and a big thank you...
OH AND A BIG THANK YOU TO THREE RIVERS MARINE
I took a client out last week and had an oar break on me on the easiest and stupidest river ever. Luckily, we ended up on the road side and I called Brian Nelson and they came to my rescue within 40 minutes. I’ve also heard them helping people out with trailer issues and boat issues in their local area. They’re kind of like the Les Schwab of the Seattle Area when it comes to boat issues.
And we all know how successful that kind of customer service can be.
CHINOOK FISHING ADVICE
Ever have your rod go down and just sit there? Guess what you might have a king on and they’re so big it takes them a minute to realize they’re hooked. Reef on them, try to imbed that hook into their mouths since they’re not helping you any by sitting there. It is nice if they run but half the time they don’t.
MORE GAME WARDEN ADVICE
Since game wardens think they are above the law and for some reason think everyone is a poacher, you do have rights. If you own private property that is huntable, they cannot trespass on it ever. Who do you call when they trespass? You have to call the Washington State Patrol and when you call 911 on them request them. Get the trespassing guy’s badge number and name. There is a complaint form on the WDFW Web site where you can turn them in.
Here a turkey calling or a elk bugling. Make sure it is the real thing (and I’m pretty sure they aren’t doing it very well, unless they are using those illegal machine game calls that we can’t use as hunters). They’re doing it to harass you. Why? Because unlike real cop mentality, you are guilty before proven innocent.
Oh and they’ll lie and lie and lie to you to get you to say something incriminating. Don’t fall for it. It is kind of like getting pulled over after having a beer when the cop asks you if you’ve been drinking and saying, “Yup, I’ve only had one beer.”
WHY I AM A TOTAL BITCH…
You asked for it… do you really really want to hear the shit I’ve had to put up with and see why whenever some guy crosses me, I’m not a shrinking violet and why I’m opoinated as hell because there are some things I stand for and strongly so strongly that I will not back down on on my issues.
When I first started guiding, it was because I would take people that I’ve met on the internet on fishing forums, that were sick of fishing forums and all the clique crap they stand for like me, fishing. I learned that on fishing forums you’d have a bunch of nut jobs that were just computer geeks that would troll for free trips and couldn’t catch a fly if they were dead, covered in blood and it was 100 degrees outside. I took so many friends out after my hubby bought me my boat that he told me to start guiding.
I being a woman, and all my outdoor girlfriends have had this happen to us when we have posted anywhere on the internet. My girlfriends have been dicked with on dirt biking sites, hunting sites, gun sites, fly fishing sites. The freaks would either hit on you on the forum, but most of the time you’d have some ugly geeks with no friends except his fellow posting geeks freak on you. So as I would give tit for tat and it always always ended with me being a crazy ass whore, but tell a penis joke… Oh no not that!!!!
See the rant where I make fun of desperate LA Fly Fishermen targeting high mountain endangered trout and releasing them. I guess I upset the whole forum when I said they like to target these tiny “troot” because it was nice for them to hold something that was bigger than their own cocks. When I first posted on the forum I was just being nice and questioning their ethics of targeting these poor fish and even paying a guide to catch them on a 2 weight fly rod with 2 pound test. If you have to target a fish and make it worth playing with a 2 weight fly rod and 2 pound test and you don’t see why that is wrong. There is no way I can help you, I’ll leave that to the professionals.
Comebacks of these classy fly fishermen? The same, crazy, ugly, whore, fake, psycho bitch. The usual name calling and it rolls off of ya after awhile. I’ve been banned from what, 20 forums? It actually gets fun after awhile to see how long it takes before I’m banned.
But if it wasn’t for these fishing forums I wouldn’t of found my husband, some of my best fishing and hunting pals (that got kicked off of fishing forums just like me). And I have met fishers with the same “attitude” as me. I’ve met great fishers from Northern BC all the way to Florida and Mexico. I’ve gone on some awesome fishing adventures and made some lifelong friends.
Enough about fishing forums, there is no way anyone that has a hint of being a normal social person in the real world… can get along with people within three years happens to post over 2,000 times. You do the math. I can’t get posters, I can’t conceive of posting that much, and being a member of some fishing clique. Since believe it or not, I have a shitload of friends in the real world. That I can’t even get them to join facebook.
I love my circle of friends. When I have too much of the wonderful world of “Male Dominated Fishing Drama” I call my gorgeous gal pals and do girl shit to wind down and get back to reality. What the internet geeks and the over enthusiastic fishing guides that I destroy by just out fishing them don’t get that there is another reality out there. Where you do normal things. Like…
Go shopping, go to a fine dining establishment, see a Shakespeare Play, do a Warrior Dash, play powder puff football, have a dinner party, go clam digging, see a football game, watch football all day long…
Speaking of watching football on TV. You know the NFL, where you follow your favorite team and root for them. My biggest test to see if a client or a new fishing guide I’ve met is normal is that I ask them if they watch football. If they say never. I know I’m with some MAN that has issues. What
“All American Fella” doesn’t watch football or some organized sport? That’s my first flag. Next question, “ how much do you post on fishing forums? Second flag. Are you a “Catch and Release Nazi”, third flag. So you’ve killed a lot of animals, were they all guided trips? So that means you aren’t really a great hunter you just pay for it. Why don’t you just have your guide shoot it and you take a picture with it? If you don’t pay your dues, by scouting, putting the long hours in, learning how to track, etc… You’re the kind of hunter that kind of has to also go to a whore house… Fourth Flag
Mind you when I guide hunters, I set them some place, and tell them to put in the time. But it is okay to pay for hunted trips but only if you’ve actually were once accomplished and don’t want or have the time to do it the real way. Safari trips in Africa totally cool shit.
So here I goes, you want to know why I don’t take shit, and take a crow bar or a two by four to your asses. And I think any woman reading this or male sympathizer, will totally get where I’m coming from.
GUIDING WITH JIM MANSFIELD
In 2006, Jim Mansfield invited me to come out to guide with him on multiple trips. I said sure, I love guiding on the Olympic Peninsula and have had great success out there and guiding with Mansfield is something every guide that really wants to know what guiding is all about is privileged to experience. But there was a problem. All the guided trips I ever got before were from my web site and from me getting banned from some gayass fishing web sites. Mansfield’s clients were a little different. They were a little male chauvinistic, just wanted to catch not fish, and well if you really want a good description, a little rough around the edges.
So Jim gave me a trip which was to be one of the three boaters taking a crew of roofers down the Hoh in complete darkness to catch big fall kings in October. Of course Jim being a guy, kind of forgot to tell me to bring a spot light, so it was a hell of a lot of fun to row in the dark down the Willoughby Drift to Oxbow with a tiny little flash light. Yup, that was a lot of fun. Being a female, I noted that male guides you guide with were never very specific. Yes Jim, I’ll never stop ranking on you for that one.
But the night before, I went to meet my clients in his lodge house, they were really drunk, the owner of the roofing company kept asking me if I knew what I was doing, how many fish I’ve caught, to the point of being scary. They were also looking at me like I was the only woman having a glass of wine with a bunch of real drunk roofers. I didn’t stay long and quickly left. And as Jim had instructed me to do, I kept my mouth shut.
The next morning, being horrified that I didn’t have a spot light, I got the drunkest guys (who were so drunk they wanted to go with the girl) who loaded two cases of beer into my boat, but I couldn’t focus on that. I had to keep my cool because I had to row in complete darkness and instruct the two drunk guys to keep that light on Jim’s ass. I was so close to Jim’s ass I’m sure this was the closest Jim ever came to being assed. Once we got to the drift above the canyon, I let them go ahead of me. I had found a spot Jim wasn’t fishing the day before and as the” good little water reader” that I was when daylight hit we cooned three huge kings in ½ hour. We had our limits and the pressure was off.
I got to know my boaters who were horrified about the flash light deal but we soon started joking around and had some joke going on. One of my clients was a huge ass Mexican when I asked him why he was “Viking big” he told me he wasn’t even descended from those “shit ass tiny Aztecs” (his words not mine) and his little tiny buddy Darryl. They were telling a dirty story about some chick that Darryl lost his virginity too that smelled like strawberries… so as we arrived into the canyon and every time I said “Strawberry Shortcake” (Darryl’s new nickname) we were laughing so hard that all the other guides quickly became annoyed and glared at us. We lost another fish but we had a limit so who cared?
Then I decided to do a little “Angie Test”. Since the roofing owner was being kind of a dick, I in my usual fashion decided to see how far his little chauvinistic attitude would go. I told my boy toy giant Mexican, Bob, the guy was six foot five and he had told me some awesome stories of where his family was from and how they came to be in the United States and why he was so big (remember he said he was n’t descended from them tiny Aztecs” his words not mine). That when we pulled up with the others at the bank for the contest of” who got the biggest fish” (winner getting the pot) to hold their heads down and say we didn’t catch anything.
What happened next was classic “the shit I have to deal with” and why I’m such a bitch. The owner went livid, he ranted and raved, yelled at Jim who looked disappointed till he saw my evil smile, and then I noticed that the giant Mexican started to turn red and Strawberry Shortcake had gone quiet. The Mexican told the owner that if he didn’t shut the fuck up he was going to kick his ass.
So with a shit eating grin and yes, I was pissed off but I kept my fucking mouth shut. I slowly opened the fish box and pulled out two huge fall kings and I had to keep the Giant Mexican from grabbing one and striking his boss with it, so I said “Strawberry Shortcake” and we all immediately started laughing holding our sides. We won the biggest fish contest, and the owner was kind of quiet for the rest of the day.
FLIPPING MY BOAT ON THE HOH RIVER
Oh and when I wipe out I wipe out in a big ass way. I happened to have had Nick Amato editor of Salmon Trout Steelhead in my boat. I would never have told the real story but it seems when Nick Amato the drunkass that he is keeps telling people that you don’t want to fish with me because I can’t row and I’ll flip my boat. Well asshole, I’m glad you keep telling people that because now I can tell the dirt that I have on you.
A month after I had just gotten married to the infamous “Orvis Boy” I had a couple of clients and decided to go a day early and take Nick Amato out on the Hoh, he wanted to see what all the fuss was about. It had rained real hard for a couple of days and the water was real high. We lost one fish and Nick got a decent hen of about 13 pounds. It was easy rowing because the water was so high but I had only been rowing for about two years.
During the trip, Nick got hammered and he smoked a lot of pot. Oh, did I just say that? Well, since he keeps telling everyone that I can’t write for his boring fishing rag because of my dubious reputation on the fucked up internet and if you go with me I’ll flip my boat. Hey, Nick Amato son of the world’s worse fly fisherman Frank Amato, oh and about that, do I have some serious shit on that one.
Ever read those stupid fly fishing books that Amato publishing puts out? Where they talk and talk and talk about fly fishing but never catch anything? Well, they are only published because the old timers who miss the days “before the Native Americans” started over netting. Couldn’t catch a steelhead if the thing was stuck in a gillnet hanging off of a sweeper. I think there is a book about the Thompson River Steelhead where the fly fishers get like one fish. One fish and that makes you an expert to write a book about it? Are you kidding me? Even Jack Hemingway said that Frank Amato was a douche bag. Oh that’s right, I’ve spent four weeks of my life hanging with Jack Hemingway. Take that in your fly tying bag and sit on it. He adored me because I reminded him of his hot Italian wife named Angela in her younger years.
The only books you should buy of the crap Amato collection of how to fish are by Bill Herzog, who I’ve gone drinking with, with my girlfriends in down town Seattle. I asked him why he never took me fishing and he responded with “you have too many fishing friends already” what the hell did that mean? If I fucked every guy I ever fished with I’d have aids by now. But I forgive ya Billy, lots of guys don’t get how some girls can have a lot of platonic guy friends. Ask my buddies in high school. If I wasn’t their wing man they’d still be a virgin.
So the row was easy, Nick didn’t want me to pull plugs so lack of fish was inevitable. As we were going down stream his pick up line was the lamest pick up line ever. “I’m glad you’re a married woman, you have less complications.”
Yup, this is the first my husband has heard of it. He’s looking a little pissed right now. Yup, I can keep a secret for nine years. I know how to keep my mouth shut. Like I’m really going to have sex for an article in Salmon Trout Steelheader after being married for a whole fucking month. Really?
I’m thinking as I’m rowing through Oxbow, that it was wayyyy too easy and I came upon that huge rock that has taken out a number of boats before me, and I got too close to it. And I went fuck as I realized what a high water standing wave can do to you. As Nick and I actually bonded for a brief second the boat slowly began to turn and I just didn’t have the upper arm strength to right it.
But not to worry. I’m a lucky ass bitch. I wiped out right above the boat launch, I made sure as I doggey paddle down that Nick had a nice bubble of air in his neoprenes and was headed right towards the launch with no problem as I screamed at him to stand up and go right. (I was a life guard in high school) and I swam for my boat. I figured if I could grab it and float it with my body I’d make it there too.
Didn’t happen, I couldn’t kick the boat over because I was wearing those stupid breathable waders with a wading belt. Yup, like that’s going to stop them from filling up, if I would have been in Neoprenes I think I could of made it. But since I was four months pregnant they were too tight of a fit.
To my horror the boat that was upside down just plummeted with a “whoosh” and with me underneath. I had issues because my stupid wading shoestring stuck on the oar lock and I went down for the count to the cold dark depths at the bottom of a deep salmon hole. Trying not to panic and trying not to think of what would happen to my unborn daughter, I felt up my leg to where my shoe lace was. I couldn’t see anything because of the glacier till and untied my shoe lace instead of trying to pry it free. Then I tried to orient myself, and it was dark and then I saw something silver and went towards it and then I saw the light of the sun. Did a steelhead save me? I’m pretty sure it did. Maybe I should make that my token animal but then I can’t eat them anymore.
Oh, and am I asking for sympathy? Hell no! Accidents happen but this is why I love the internet so much. Let’s see on Pissy Hissy Pursuits or Piscatorial Pursuits. They had a field day with it. See I was guiding with Jim Mansfield “the native killer” and I was killing native steelhead because it was open and they taste good. But on this the gayest of all fishing forums (and I mean gay as in stupid and wussy and I don’t know why gays go by gay because most of the gay men I see are smoking hot and smoking in shape)…
She deserves it because she kills native fish.
Too bad the fucking bitch didn’t die.
Oh, let’s call her the flippin goddess
Yeah, I really respect the assholes that post on the internet. I’m soooo sorry if I make fun of you.
NINE YEARS LATER…
I haven’t had an accident. I’ve rowed down much rougher waters, and haven’t even come close to any misadventures. But people keep saying the following:
Jim Mansfield can attest to it. He keeps having people that don’t like me in Forks claim I can’t row. Jim just scratches his head perplexed and asks them. “then how the fuck does she get down the river and catches fish?”
John Koenig claims and told all the clients that I referred to his ungrateful stupid ass that I flipped my boat on the Skagit. Are you kidding me asshole? The Skagit is a lake. See ya this fall and you better run when I see you at the boat launch. Run crossed eyed fucker run… I got another “Little Cleo Award” with your name on it.
Nick, Nick, Nicky, Dick Amato. You still tell people that I’ll flip my boat if I take you out. You’re looking a little red in the face lately there, bucko. Looks like kidney failure to me. Good thing you got such a cool father-in-law that fishes a lot otherwise you’d be on Mrs. Fifth.
Some more dirt on Nicky. Remember all them hot girls on the cover of Salmon Trout Steelhead? Not the fishing goddesses you think they are but all ex-girlfriends that were going out with Nicky for his Amato Publishing Empire (way better pick up line). All the fish were caught by Nick, all the fish handed to the hot girlfriends and all caught at the Clackamas Hatchery. Dude, can’t you let a real fisherwoman be on the cover or do they really have to sleep with you? How bout putting April Vokey on the cover? At least she can play her own fish. And she might be dumb enough to sleep with you because she taint the sharpest hook in the box.
And a month after the tragedy, I was back out rowing, slaying fish on the Sauk and Skagit till I was seven months pregnant. I’ve even had freakass internet fishing forum posters take my pregnant pictures and post them saying I was fat. Obviously they have never been with a woman and got one pregnant before.
The best thing is, and I’m still looking for a picture of it. Nicky took the lovely Daniel and I fishing on the Clackamas. Daniel caught her first steelhead and landed it (she had hooked many but never landed one) and I took a picture of it. Unfortunately, I dubbed the trip… Retread steelhead fishing with Nick Amato and I promised I’d never ever breathe a word about it. We caught black sperm spewing steelhead after black sperm spewing steelhead.
Totally worth the drive to Portland.
And me knowing how to keep my mouth shut… never ever said a word about it till I heard he still keeps telling people that I can’t row.
Did I burn a bridge? Nope, Nick did when he told his father in law that if I took him fishing, I’d flip my boat. It has been nine years and you are a total asshole, can I send you another bottle of scotch so your liver will turn another shade of gray?
ANOTHER REASON WHY I’M A BITCH
GUIDING WITHOUT A LICENSE
One year I think 2006 it flooded and flooded and flooded. From December till February it wouldn’t stop raining and with four days of clear and me having a ton of clients that wanted me to go out to Forks I decided to go on a scouting trip. I did a trip alone, took Rick from the “Inn Place” the best restaurant in Forks who had the best fishing of his life. He lost four fish and landed and killed and ate a nice 18 pound native steelhead. He even saved a piece for Booby Balless and fed it to him as salmon. Catch and Release Cannibalism at its best. Yes, I can hear Booby Balless throwing up just about now.
Admit it Booby, it tasted awesome, you liked native steelhead and you want more, don’t ya? I will never ever stop dude. I have even entered your digestive system with messing with you. I made you eat a native steelhead. Will my vengeance on you ever stop?
So I take Rick and then I take my buddy Dennis, and then my buddy Packer came out and then after having lunch, some asshole game warden came out and gave me a ticket for guiding without a license. I think taking Rick out for free breakfast and to mess with Bob Ball does not constitute as guiding. Plus, I had been done fishing for hours and how the fuck can you give a ticket without the client being there? Isn’t that giving some one a speeding ticket for speeding the next day?
Well, Booby and the other guides from the “All Powerful Guide Association” kept calling about me being there for four days as guiding. Really? Assholes? We have record floods for two months and I decided to see if the Oly Pen was too fucked up to fish with my buddies is guiding? Well, I take a shitload of friends fishing (ex clients who trade trips, you know pheasant hunting for a fishing trip that isn’t guiding that is having fun and exchanging fun). But oh no the stupid game warden with the 70’s porno mustache decided to give me a ticket, and he was also harassing me at the boat launches and checking my boat for whatever, during catch and release.
I call that sexual harassment, Justin Mustshoot you know who you are and boy do I have some footage for Chief Sunhi of you that is going to get you so demoted… oops… so I get a guiding without a license ticket. So after being harassed by this asshole game warden, who I turned in for sexual harassment. Really? Why are you checking my fish box for dead steelhead because I kill them where I’m suppose too? I bet you rued the day you listen to your butt buddy Booby Ball. I loved it when I showed up to court in Forks all “cleaned up” that the judge totally understood the infatuation. I clean up extremely well.
So then the BIGGGGGGG RUMMMMORRRRR was that I was guiding everywhere without a license for four years even when I wasn’t guiding. I loved it when the stupid game warden chick up on the Skagit system checked my husband’s license and asking him if he paid for it. And as he said, “Yes Maam, I pay and pay and pay and pay” and she started writing a ticket and I burst out laughing “ you dumb bitch look at the address he’s my husband”. OUCH
What I love about game wardens is the fact that when you close all the local rivers early, guides aren’t going to get licenses but are still going to fish. It isn’t like we have a shitload of friends and relatives, when some gameass checked my brother’s license we had a blast on that one.
“Hey stupid game warden. Don’t ya think we look a like?”
“Why do we look alike?”
“Can you say brother and sister?”
“ahhhhhh” that’s right you young inexperienced game warden figure that one out. Who trains the new game wardens? You know the people that call in all the time are usually crying wolf because they are and always will be freaks.
But that’s not the true point of this sad sad tale. What’s sad is that I had a run in with Mike Kinney who is such a drunk that he doesn’t even remember teaching me how to drift fish with a corky and showing me how to fly fish and keeping my rod strictly at 11 and 2 o’clock and when you give your rod a thrust it is just like throwing a coffee cup.
Well, one day after I got my guide’s license that year, I was guiding this huge behemoth of a man Jamie Myxter. He wanted to drift fish but it wasn’t working and the rest of the day we pulled plugs and he caught three nice steelhead. It was one of them days if we were a plugging we would of caught wayyyy more.
So I’m pulling plugs on the Skagit and this nasty piece of shit fiberglass boat pulls up next to us with teeny tiny Mike Kinney along side of us. His poor clients. He immediately began screaming at us that I was guiding without a license and I had to stop fishing. I started to laugh. Mike again started screaming at me that I had to stop fishing because I was guiding without a license. Unfortunately, my client Jamie didn’t find it funny since I had a license, the sticker the whole nine yards.
Oh and on the aside. Back in the day when they didn’t care if you had a license, Mike Kinney was soooo poor guiding out of a fly shop called I think Creek Side Fly Shop he never had a license, he also bitched and bitched about all the yuppy clients he had to take out. What was even better about Mike Kinney was the fact that his bitch of an ex-wife wanted to take him for child support so he quit his job and lived in a shack on the Stillaguamash without electricity to show her. Man, that’s a total winner in my book. Get divorced because you fish too much and quit your job and live in a shack with no electricity so you get out of paying that bitch child support. Father of the year?
So here I am, with a monster sized client in my boat and some midget in a ghetto fiberglass boat screaming that I had to stop fishing. I actually got pissed because the idiot had have to seen the stickers in the back of my boat. Maybe the guy, who probably didn’t have health insurance couldn’t see them? Was that possible?
My boat being bigger I slammed into him and my client who was totally pissed and now believed all my insane stories “where I can’t make this shit up”. Tried to climb in and wack him. And then the unbelievable happened…
“Buck on!” so we got side tracked.
But it got better the midget that is Mike Kinney, pulled over even after him getting embarrassed and it looked like the old client in the front of his boat was going to have a heart attack. Jamie ran at his boat at full speed. The client screamed in horror and Mike Kinney seeing the size of my buff client rowed off like a bat (that’s a compliment) out of hell.
And you all wonder why I’m not the nicest person in the world. Really? I’ve talked to my girlfriends and they said they couldn’t even handle the stress. But that is why I’m not nice. Not nice in the realm of fishing anyways…
UPDATE TO MY GUIDING SCHEDULE FOR THIS FALL 2011
Well ladies and gentlemen, after much contact and emails I have to change my Fall Schedule because it is all about you.
And for all of you fly fishers out there. Remember, I both gear fish and fly fish so I have an advantage over all those idiot fly guides that are happy to get 10 fish a year. Really, I’ve known some lame ass fly guys that after catching five fish consider themselves a guide. Really? Really?
I get so many out of town guys for clients that have read about me for years, and they just happen to turn out to be some of my funniest and coolest last minute trips. These clients are them awesome hunter and fishers from other states that have loved my web site for years and have wanted to play with the goddess when they are on some lame business trip. But the excuse that… “I’m going to play hooky with the goddess around Seattle/Portland area so we booked an extra day for extra fake meetings to go fishing with Angie, or maybe play some golf”.
So to play up to my out of towners, and I hate for these one day executives at a two day meeting that know that they just need to schedule some fun. And I have some just out of the big city NW fun salmon/steelhead fishing for you within a two hour drive.
And if you can plan an extra two days, you can drive out to the Olympic Peninsula. So here’s my schedule… the ending dates fade into hunting seasons (I usually kill early so I open up early), so I still might be able to accomodate you but that depends on if you want some good hunting thrown in too. But be warned, tags in Washington State are anti-tourist just like with everything else. You know how Governor Gregoire just loves giving tax incentives to out of state businesses.
For example, when I fish the Skagit in November, there is some of the most incredible black bear hunting; you can kill one of our notorious big black bears of Northern Washington along with catching coho. The tag is pretty reasonable and the bear hunting pretty easy and the bears are pretty frickin BIG or what I like to say “Bearnormous”
So here’s my new schedule… with all the requests for local Puget Sound Fishing it looks like I’m only going to do a three week window in Forks unless you all change my mind.
SEPTEMBER 19TH THRU THE 26TH I will be guiding on the North Fork of the Lewis and the Kalama for a six limit of two kings, two coho and two steelhead.
I TAKE A BREAK BECAUSE MY BIRD HUNTING HUSBAND IS GOING ON A PHEASANT TRIP OF A LIFE TIME…
Let’s see, since I get four weeks of hunting and he gets 1 and a half. ( I am such a trophy spoiled wife.) But I kill bigger and better things, elk versus pheasants, I think that I am the better half. Though who really wins when that trophy elk or two year old young tasty cow comes up, he always gets the first shot.
After Muzzle Loader season I will be working the Olympic Peninsula from October and a soft 8th (depending on if my husband, best client ever and I get trophy bulls) till October 15th for kings and coho on the lower Hoh River and the Sold Duc.
Then I have to kill a black tail and I can deer hunt and salmon fish between October 15th thru the 25th out on the Olympic Peninsula, but then I’m outta there from the 29th till November 4th for Eastern Modern Firearm for spike elk and then I’m off to the Skagit for serious bear hunting and coho fishing in the Skagit River System November 4th thru November 24th and it is sick coho fishing. You’ll catch the biggest coho and late king salmon you’ll ever come across, all within a whole 1.5 hours from Seattle.
Hey and if you want to go a whole ½ from Seattle, the Skykomish this year will be sick with pinks, chum, cohos and hatchery steelhead…
So give me an email at email@example.com
Or call me on my cell at 425-478-6683 leave a message because I live so far out in the boonies my cell phone rarely works till I go to town.
Then I have the most INCREDIABLE December hatchery season that can be a half hour out of Seattle or out there on the Olympic Peninsula.
DO YOU WANT TO GET MONSTER TROPHY WINTER NATIVE STEELHEAD?
2012 will be some of the best Native Winterrun Steelhead fishing ever. But alas, this will be last minute, top secret… I know that early winter run fishing is iffy after Christmas but it all depends on the weather and water levels. But give me a date and I’ll just make sure we go to some secret killer spots in January thru Mid February where we’ll just go slaughter some giant native steelhead and some of them you won’t have to catch and release.
So I’m done with pimping myself out. You’ve seen my web site so make me an offer and maybe I’ll allow you to hunt with me and steelhead fish for the big Nates... Stay tuned for when I go a hunting and I take pictures of what is out of season but would of so been a kill shot. Since I see so many animals while hunting for other animals, I’ve decided to become a wild life amateur photographer.
TOOTLES… AND KILL KILL KILL
SIMPLIFIED VERSION OF THE BOASTINGS ABOVE
SEPTEMBER 19TH THRU THE 26TH
Out of Portland? North Fork of the Lewis, Kalama or Cowlitz and it seems like boys out of Seattle all want to do the Skykomish: for coho, pinks, kings, and hatchery steelhead
OCTOBER A SOFT 7TH TILL THE 20TH
It seems that the most accomplished fishermen and people from around the world can fish the Olympic Peninsula with yours truly. We fish the Hoh and the Sol Duc for monster kings and monster Chinook.
Then I just have to go east and kill spike elk. Really, I found a herd with five spikes in it. They all must DIE…
NOVEMBER A SOFT 2ND TILL THE 24TH
It is all about trophy trophy coho. I can even take you bear hunting if you really really want to.
DECEMBER 1ST TILL CHRISTMAS HATCHERY WINTER STEELHEAD
Olympic Peninsula or the Snoqualmie (right out of Seattle limits guaranteed)
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Give me a date and I’ll give you tentative information. I know so many awesome places where the freshest and the brightest steelhead make their appearance all over the Northwest that most guides don’t have a clue because they aren’t as well versed or traveled as I. If you want to fly fish for some crazy sick fishing for early winter runs you want to book with me.
GUIDING FOR FALL SALMON FOR 2011 AND DECEMBER HATCHERY STEELIES PLUS IT’S FALL BABY!!!!
Hiddy Hoh, one and all. I’ve decided to pick up the oars again and row the Washington’s Olympic Peninsula’s best rain forests known throughout the world for their giant salmon and steelhead. And let me be your guide because I know it intimately… some say knowingly. Anyhow, my records on the Olympic Peninsula’s world reknown rivers that are the Hoh, Sol Duc and Bogiechiel are one of the best and I’m not bullshitting.
Another plus, besides me being known for out fishing all of the local Fork’s guides is the fact that I am guiding with the best guide out there, the Forks famous world reknown guide, Jim Mansfield. With the resume of guiding for 30 years and has personally produced probably the world’s most consistent rations of 20 plus steelhead, he is also one of the best elk hunting guides out there and the proof is in the half a dozen Boon and Crocket elk trophies that he keeps in his lodge and has probably the world record catch of over 20 pound steelhead in the world and I’m right behind him.
So come fish the Olympic Peninsula with me. Not only will you get the best views out there (me and the old growth), you can stay at the Mansfield Lodge, hang out with top notch guides , and I’ll teach you the basics and if you just want to catch fish without a care , we’ll do that too.
Best weeks to go are October 1st thru November 15th for fall salmon. Chinook till November 5th and coho over 12 pounds afterward. Last weekend in November till December 15th I have a total edge on getting them hatchery winter run steelies before any of the of the other local guides. Remember, in any circumstance, it is always about who ya know. I will also be up in Skagit County fishing for coho, monster gigantic coho and doing some bear hunting with clients.
You know why we're smiling. Because we kill a lot of fish and elk and eat them.
Book with me, and you’ll have the best Olympic Peninsula Experience that is offered. You don’t want one of them dead beat Forks guides that have been bored for years and are about as entertaining as a burned out hippie twilighter, and yes, if you must see “Twilighted Out Forks, I can be your guide for that too, after I seriously down a couple of Crown Royals, bong hits and a stake through my heart. Oh, and for another added bonus!!!! I can hook you up if you don’t want my special sarcasm and set you out on an extra day for the three hour tour of Twilight Forks. Yes, I’m serious it is a three hour bus tour. Like Gillanghan’s Island, a three hour tour. Sorry, Ginger won’t be on board, or are you a Maryann kind of guy.
Rates: $400 per couple with lodging at the Inn $450 a total package.
Call me on my cell phone that rarely works and leave a message 425-478-6683
Want the best Olympic Peninsula Fishing Experience of a lifetime with one of the most popular famous guides in the Northwest? Book with me… Or be bored beyond belief. It is up to you and if you make the wrong choice I hope you are bored and suffer. Suffer like Twilight’s suffering daisy… Bella…
So we haven’t heard much from Miss Angie this Summer. Well, it has been pretty uneventful. With the weather sucking ass and me on farm duty, I’ve been a busy camper .
I get so many monster coho on the Skagit that I have some super cool mounts to have done.
After months of boredom, I took my BFF mommy PTA friend to Forks for a different vacation because I decided I missed going out West to Forks where the vampires and Werewolves roam. And I also noted, so do a lot of goth teenagers and their poor mothers forking out hundreds of dollars on tourist traps.
What did my BFF PTA mommy Tiann make me do for a vacation?. It was a vacation out to Forks that I never thought I would do. I must make the point that Tiann was just a great sport. She didn’t annoy me for our first family vacation together, we slept in, we took it easy and just went with it.
And you won’t believe what Angie did on a Forks vacation… We went one day of fishing and two days of scouting… She actually made me do the following:
I went to the Sequim Game Farm… OMG every Washingtian must do this… I can’t wait to download the videos of me screaming as I feed bread to elk, bears and bison and try to make sure they don’t fuck up my truck.
Then we decided to go beach combing. Me beach combing? And low and behold Tiann was totally jealous as I found the biggest agate EVER! Then we talked about fossil hunting with Jim Mansfield and he’s like… “I know this little creek.” So we hiked in about a mile and Erikka and I found the ultimate salt water fossils ever. I think Jimmy had a different vacation experience too.
And then she made me… I hate to admit it… I hate to even have done it. I did the freakin Twilight Tour. It was horrifying and I felt used and abused, like I was raped after a college frat party. But I had fun, I did some thing that wasn’t fishing and hunting related. And I was a good sport about it. As I thought of taking the card board cutouts beheading them and putting them on Booby Boobless’s front porch.
So the last month has been pretty uneventful… I went pink fishing in the salt and know certain spots over there in Desmoines and Redondo, where we did just a slaying on the pinks with humpy jigs. Pictures, you really want to see me with a limit of salt water pinks? Nahhhhhh even though I wore them short short WSU Cougar shorts while fishing… I’m sorry, no one will ever ever see me with a humpy with that dumb ass look of silly slimy satisfaction on my face.
SPEAKING OF HUMPIES…
Since I’m the only web site out there with a page dedicated to the “Love of Humpies” a popular website known as Fishchan.com asked me to be an esteemed judge for their Carbon River Humpy Derby. I of coursed was honored and for two bottles of Cols Du Buois Pinot, they didn’t have to twist my arm.
I love Fishchan.com except for the occasional perverts that post there. Really, you gay ass posters that think about posting pictures of porn and nasty chicks pooping is way cool and piss off the owner. Face it you posting freaks… you’re just that and really really don’t piss FishChan’s owner off. You just make him feel sad very very sad. That he has to deal with you creepy creeps. My favorite word for the year 2011 is “Creepy” if you haven’t noticed.
And Johnny owner of Fishchan.com has been having some problems with a poster or posters… the guy is such a freak that he posts under over a dozen alias and we all know who he is…
Yes, John… I have figured out who the freak that goes on your web site, he called the FBI on you and when he wants to make his pathetic point has 12 other voices he goes by…
Nate Bradeen… and his history isn’t pretty… I went back to my records and this freak that tries to upset the other posters is beyond a freak. He actually is a freak of nature and I don’t know if you want to feel sorry for him or just realize that because of his condition it has made him computerly INSANE.
Nate Bradeen, has been fishing with the best… because he has in his youth had fishing guides and Nick Amato (not a fishing guide but a really cool drunk off his ass editor of Salmon, Trout Steelhead)… Nate has a horrible handicapped, he was born with “Brittle Bone Disease”.
We might all know his daddy from back in the day, who is in about 50K of child support debt, got fired from Amazon , moved out to Forks and started a meth lab and guiding business out of an 1958 fiberglass drift boat. We haven’t heard from him since.
I’m thinking toothless in Granite Falls. Poor Poor Eric H---sler. He was so upset at me seven years ago because I don’t remember smoking pot at a kegger back in high school with him. Really? Why would anyone hold that against me? I smoked a lot of pot and that’s probably why I don’t remember… ha ha ha
Yup, his son was born with “brittle bone disease” and for the last 10 years (he’s 21 now) he has gone on various fishing sites, with pictures of his dad’s pathetic catches, no pictures of himself, and has decided to fuck with certain various web sites. You’d feel sorry for him, but he is so pathetic that he spends all his free time trying to be witty and fuck with fishing forums that he would be cool if he wasn’t so fucking lame.
I mean really? He goes on fishing forums, picks a victim, makes up a dozen aliases to back him… Don’t you think he’d used to make his brittle bone disease computer skills for good? He stalked me so bad using different aliases to try to fuck with me on my facebook. Who on facebook has people using aliases so he can hang with you on face book? I’m thinking the 20 year old boy must be smoking the meth with his daddy.
Most abused fish ever...
Sorry Johnny from FishChan.com… you have a handicapped freak that someday you’ll have to deal with. I did some research after our Humpfest derby and it all makes sense now. Here’s some following things you can ask the loser when you try to ban him once again…
If a fly lands on you and you swat it… do you dislocate your shoulder?
When you grind your teeth while doing meth with your daddy do they fall out?
When you played a fish, did your thumb come off as you reeled it in?
If you actually ever smiled does your jaw break?
And I don’t even want to know what happens when he watches porn…
We all should feel sorry for this sick brittle bastard but you know. Don’t go on web sites and face books and fuck with people because you live in a dark basement where your mommy keeps you.
I bet when he blinks he has to put his eye back in his socket.
Why am I being mean? If I have the SOB mess with me again calling me a flat chested skank on fishing boards that love me in 12 different aliases… I’m going to find you in your basement and tickle you, literally to death.
Yup, Johnny from fishchan.com… You have a real freak enigma on your hands. And I just gave you a background on the fuck. Should you put up with his shit because he is a handicapped freak? Or call him out on it. No matter how handicapped you are… You should never get away with being a dick.
The guy is a fucking weirdo and again I’m going to say the following:
“I CAN’T POSSIBLY MAKE THIS SHIT UP” ever watch Curb Your Enthusiasm? I think Larry David is on the same page and has the same issues.
Well, I was the highly esteemed judge for the 20 entrants to the “Carbon River Humpy Derby”. I had a great time. I got to meet the hot winner with a 23 ½ by 12X1/2 inch humpy. And Eric (the hottie) also got the prize for the most abused humpy ever. And I must say that Eric was also exceptionally cute and I was bummed when he had to leave to go to a Chippewah Pow Wow. I asked him what it was like to be a Chippewah and he said they were voted as the most poorest tribe in the USA. So no monthly gratuities for him.
Then there was poor poor Big Jim that lost… and my GOD… the guy was six foot six… if I was anyone on fishchan.com I wouldn’t mess with the fucker. He had red hair like a Nordic Viking and he could literally kick anyone of the members of fishchan.com’s ass. He lost because his well kept humpy was 23X11 ½. And during the time we spent together he was in a silent rage. What is a well kept humpy?
Right before you wack it to preserve the taste of the saw dust fillet so you must slit it’s throat and then immediately put it on ice… of course there must be no blood on said ice or you will ruin the experience. Then you must immediately marinate it and smoke within 24 hours. That is a well kept humpy.
Out of the 24 entrants before I got there to judge, there were four participants that had their limits but were so drunk they didn’t want to be judge so guess what drunken idiots… you could of won the pot of $200, second place Todd Ripley’s hooks hmmmmmm---- and as in any tourist spot… “all I got when my parents went on vacation was this fuckin t-shirt my mommy bought me”.
So as we waited for the other entries… I told Big Jim who went to his big red Dodge Ram Truck to get yup you guessed it “Todd Ripley’s Hooks”. I figured since I was getting bored (should of brought a flask for all to share)… I took a pair of pliers and tried to straighten them out, bend them out, break them and I made a few comments about the packaging, but I was indeedy impressed. Though, I don’t think Todd’s got his octs numbers down right.
Yes Todd, I got bored, and I think you’re insane about the wild steelhead catch and release crap. But your hooks after me torturing them to the amusement of the www.fishchan.com guys. I couldn’t break them, couldn’t twist them and couldn’t straighten them out with pliers. So I’m going to give you the ultimate compliment and try them out. Hey you annoy me (fish should be eaten no matter what because what the fuck is the point of fishing), but I will try your hooks out and give them to other guides and see if they give you another rave review.
What did I think about the www.fishchan.com guys. Funny, relaxed, and down to earth. I think once they get rid of “brittle brain boy” from their web site because believe it or not… no one on the site is a freak like that. As Cyndy Lauper said…
“Boyz just want to have fun”…
Here’s some funny things about Ripley’s packaging on his hooks;
Where was the warning label that said… “adipose equals release”
Surprised they weren’t barbless. Really Todd?
Some people send porn pictures to each other's phone but this is my kind of porn and the only porn I allow...
AWESOME TIPS FOR ELK HUNTING…
Piss up or get caught… yeah, ya always hunt downwind but som times Mother Nature can be really super cruel and change her mind errrr direction. Use your lighter and test the wind constantly. Smoking works too, but think about it?
Always figure out where the elk warm themselves in the morning (SE side of the hill if you have no sense of direction, I’m serious some people can walk in 20 yards and get lost). Sure bet that when the sun comes up and it rained, snowed, fogged up, and froze the little elks, they’ll be there. Even if you have fur you still get cold ask Adam Carrolla about it.
Is there anything in the regs where you can't use a sling shot to kill water fowl...
Use your five senses.
Smell, follow your nose. When any animal is around you, you will smell it before you hear it or see it. It is kind of like walking around and you smell a giant fart. Yup, I said fart. The sweet farts are the cows, the musty ones are the bulls and the shit ones? Oops! A bear, oh me oh my. And for you inexperience losers that like having a fire and camping where you hunt?. Ever wonder why you don’t kill anything? Let’s see if can use a simple enough metaphor so you’ll understand because when I advise against this you fire elkless lovers, look perplexed.
Imagine you live in a housing development? Now imagine a train of army tanks that drive into the middle of your housing development and burn a house down. Do you hang out to see if the army tanks are going to kill you?
How bout this one? Say, you’re at a strip club with your buds. Your bud lights up a cigar (there’s no smoking) and starts being super loud and screaming at the strippers. They run from you hiding their pretty titties with their hands screaming for the bouncer.
This is an even better example… say you live in the city and all of a sudden there is a noisy earth quake and a giant volcano erupts from out of nowhere. Do you run?
What do big game equate the smell of smoke? Just two simple things; Death, being bothered, and forest fire.
SIGHT if you think you see an animal in the shadows you probably did. If you want to prove you’re right, every single time walk to where you saw the animal and look for tracks and my golly, that bull winkle looking shadow was bull winkle!!!!
Went bear hunting and got surrounded by elk...
HEARING Sorry to tell all you Roosevelt elk hunters out there. They don’t bugle as loudly as they use too. Think about it? Them noisy bastards of days gone by… got shot out…. Darwinism at its best. If you hear chirping, whistling, weird shrill short screams? Those are elk.
Sit still… find a place where they constantly move through. You know them highways. Not where just one crosses a river bank, clearing or whatever but it looks like a bunch of groupie whores went running after Bret Michaels (glad you’re doing well buddy)… Want to make sure they’re new tracks? Step on them or wash them back out with water.
DON’T LOSE YOU MIND it is an elk, it is the size of a horse, a cow, a car, a dining room table, Booby Balless’s wife “Cowy”, tree, tractor, a group of hot chicks jogging, a drift boat, a row boat, a buoy, a bed, a couch….
My point is the following; do you know how stupid you look when you have less than a 150 yard shot or with my clients less than 50 and you miss? It has happened to most of us (my fuck ups were rain related but that’s why I bought the new Northwest Special Edition Vortex Muzzleloader.
Okay, hunters and huntresses…. I’m outta of here!
Oh, and if you find fresh tracks of anything… try following them. Really…
Remember I only book fishing trips for about a month window for awesome lots and lots of fish which is the joy of salmon and then it is back to lame steelhead. I mean lame as in numbers. Best time with me for giant monster steelhead? First two months of the year and we pick a date and go to the best place and I’m very secretive you just have to trust me.
Forks had their last drag races... it will be missed...
Lookey here, I'm in the Courier Herald in the Buckley Logging Show. Double Bucking is a lot harder than it looks especially when they let the girls warm up the newly sharpen saws, so they'll be ready for the boys when they go.
THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2011 SUMMER
Warning: Do not read this rant/blog if you are faint of heart, too stupid to have a sense of humor to get any of my fabulous references. This is not for rated G personalities, I swear I spit and I show cleavage. For all of you that have been following me for 10 years, you know how raw I can be and you know why… This warning is for people that don’t get the crap I’ve had to take from men in the wild and how I get back at them. Really? Let one man walk on you and you have to take it forever. That’s just not me! If you don’t like what you see get your fricking finger on the click button and click away, click away…
Well, it has been an eventful springtime… Yup, it rained four inches one day and every other day three inches. Yes, I’ve been sooooo able to guide this season with all the floods and the Columbia River being backed up like a fat guy shitting in a toilet with a chulupa so big (like the sacred Giunea pig of the ancient Aztecs) that no out flow was possible…
My God that was disgusting but so was the back up on the Columbia. And with all that extra power being produced why the hell didn’t our Puget Power Rates go down by the out pour our rates should have been halved?
So what did Miss Angie do during this down time? Well, I got some major surgery done that would take at least two months to go thru. And the month down time was awesome. I downloaded about 10 years of pictures off of floppy disks, read a book and wrote a children’s novel about hunting.
How does one write a children’s novel about hunting? I just thought about the age group thing, what a young hunter would be going thru, and after reading my children’s book and thinking about all the little boys that would read it that it would inspire that child for exciting things to come after taking “Hunter’s Safety Classes”.
So stay tuned for “Bobby Jo Jr. Takes Hunter Safety”. All my hunting and fishing buddies said that if they would of read that book at the age of five they would be even more stoked. I can also write about, Bobby Jo Jr. does the following:
Learns to trap shoot, gets his first lab puppy, trains his lab puppy and slaughters ducks with the lab puppy that he trained. I know some one can steal this idea like when Joel Shangle stole my idea on how to do an “outdoor competition between and women to get to host their own outdoor show” guess what?
You can steal an idea but it doesn’t make it better the way he did the show made it boring as all fuck.
Remember reality shows are suppose to be funny, dramatic, and riveting not how it is on Joel Shangle’s radio show. I love you Joel, but every time I try to listen to your show in the morning it puts me right back to sleep, kind of like sex but in a bad way.
This short blog that I’m going to do has to be yet again another explanation to why I blog the way I do and to explain to people that read it that don’t understand my over the top humor why I’m so over the top.
So first I have to address the new readers to my blogs that haven’t been the 10 million recurrent fans since 2001. And we may note that I have clients from all over the world because how else would I get the best sense of humor clients from Spain, The UK, Germany, Manchuria (China for all of you dumbasses) and New Zealand to book trips with me?
Since I am one of the only fishing and hunting female REAL guides, I try to inform my readers and I think they are smart enough to figure it out that I am the Puppeteer and not the Puppet that most outdoor women on TV and the internet aspire to be. I am also the most hated outdoor woman on the internet because of it.
We must note that I am not a product of an outdoor man. I am the one that figures how to out fish and hunt the competition. The women you see that post, pose, and are forced to kill on public television are puppets. They don’t know why they are doing it, how they are doing it and if you ask them a simple question about it they don’t have a clue about why the fuck they are up there and why they are killing a 900 pound animal with a tiny feather arrow.
“Hey Rebbecca Garrison, do you think when you pricked that giant grizzly with that little feathered arrow in the shoulder that you’re just going to piss it off?”
That’s right you did piss it off and thank God your husband was right behind you with that pistol. Sounds like great hunting TV to me. What would have been great hunting TV would be Rebecca and her puppeteer getting eaten by the pricked and pissed off grizzly.
And yet again, they have no fucking clue. Which makes my fine ass that is all competitive, outdoor their silly girly sweet and innocent asses into the ground. From my opinion they are forced to be on tv, forced to shoot grizzlies with a compound bow where they are so INNOCENT that they have no clue that they are going to die. And why are they on the internet or tv? Because their husbands or boyfriends are too ordinary and boring to make it on their own.
Speaking of outdoor TV shows, if I have to watch another old windbag spokesperson from Remington go hunting or fishing I’m going to kill myself. We all know what I’m talking about don’t we? You get some ugly, balding, out of shape, wannabe redneck hunter from the city that has to do what he does to get sex.
He has to pay for it. Did I just say that? God, I’m going to hell.
And I think I just insulted every writer for Field and Stream. Oops!
I’ve had soooo many persons read my blogs and don’t get why I’m so evil, so opinionated, and just generally fucking with the people that try to ostracize me that I just have to stand up for myself. In doing that I send them to cartoon land on my blogs.
Because, if you are even my husband and my protector I am such a strong willed woman that I’m soooo not letting you protect me, because I’m an Italian woman my father taught me to do the following when some one fucks with you.
“You can turn the other cheek but that is to allow you to flip the asshole over and black and blue the other side.”
See being like the only outdoor chick (still haven’t met another gal out there all by herself hunting or fishing though people have seen this gal, but I’ve ran into sasquatch more than I have her.) I have to take a lot of shit and I don’t do it very well.
I remember one guide out on the Peninsula who should remain nameless (Booby Ball) that said the only reason why anyone would book a trip with me is for a good ol’ fashion blow job and some one also said that about me being a hunting guide.
Man, there are a lot of happy fish and game out there that I have blown. Don’t ya think? I can make a bull elk super happy if I have my elk bugle with me. I’m going to hell for being a sick sick person, I’m sorry God. Maybe living next to Enumclaw has worn off on me.
So for anyone out there reading this for the first time, there is a reason for me being super evil, super graphic and super funny. I write my blog how I live my life, full of piss and vinegar, standing up for what I believe in and making sure that whoever gets in my way is going to be ran over like an mammatee versus a cigar boat.
So it looks like I’m gonna have to put up my old warning:
Warning: Do not read this rant/blog if you are faint of heart, too stupid to have a sense of humor to get any of my fabulous references. This is not for rated G personalities, I swear I spit and I show cleavage. If you don’t like what you see get your fricking finger on the click button and click away, click away…
I’d also like to show a lighter side of myself that no one knows about.
I’m the mother of the sweetest little 9 year old girl. She is the light of my husband’s and my life. Because of her unique upbringing she is funny, confident, and unusually witty. She is the softer side of me. When I’m with her and the other mommies and their chicklets, I go into mommy mode. We go to Pumpkin Patches, Disney Movies and water slides.
My web site might be over the top but as I’ve told people. When I go on my adventures, I leave the mommy jeans at home. There is no mommy mode that can kill an elk, overcome adversary against chauvinism, row a drift boat on the Olympic Peninsula and overcome life and death situations.
Though sometimes I am in mommy mode while guiding. You know like when I yell at my clients when they’re doing something wrong. There’s little difference in my tone when I yell at my husband and daughter to clean their rooms and at a professional bass fisherman that can’t grasp the concept that reeling against a 50 pound running king isn’t the same as a four pound bass going into the lily pads. I’m serious, bass fishermen make the worst salmon/steelheaders. They cannot let a fish run, they can’t grasp the fact that there are no lily pads or docks in the ocean or river but their reaction memory is doomed for failure. So it really isn’t their fault (yeah right).
See I just can't make this shit up. Someone took a picture with this tiny tiny LA Endangered trout and wrote an article about it. REALLY?
I may also be the most hated outdoor woman in internet land but I have my reasons, like let’s take a facebook post I made a couple of weeks ago. Some fly fisherman from LA wanted to book a trip with me. I didn’t get my guide license this year because of all the stupid floods so I told him maybe next year or maybe some salmon fishing in the fall.
I asked him how he heard about me and they were toting my prowess on www.fishaddict.com . It soon turned nasty when to my horror I realized there were pictures and articles about catching and handling three to four inch trout. What was even better or worse was the fact that men in LA were paying guides to fish for these delicate endangered trout.
Being the kind person that I am, I felt I had to help the web site owner see the folly and save him the utmost embarrassment and humiliation that he must feel when someone that uses such fish as bait laughs hysterically not with him, but at him.
Things didn’t go well, and as usual I was called a whore, a bitch, a combat fisherman, ugly,,, and let’s not forget the C-word. Hey, I was just trying to save the guy but he wasn’t appreciative so then I went “Angie on him”.
The poor poor LA Flyfishers started whining that the tiny trout that they target with a two weight were the only thing they had to fish for. So I had some fun with them…
So if there weren’t any grown women around you’d have sex with a four year old? (God strike me dead for that one.)
They wanted to masturbate with something bigger than their own penis?
They needed to exercise their pinky?
They took them home to keep their gold fish company. “Look goldie we got your wild cousin here for a visit.”
The fraternity ran out of gold fish. (See I’m not always crude, I just sunk down to their level and they didn’t like it.)
Go visit www.fishaddict.com.... Where grown men pay $400 to fish for three to four inch trout with a two weight. You know I didn’t even know that they made a two weight fly rod. I’d also like to point out some of my steelhead flies are bigger than those poor little fishies.
Stay tuned for the first official Carbon River Pink Salmon Derby where I was invited to judge. Of course I will charge a steep fee of two bottles of my favorite Parisian Pinot Noir. I’m going to need it if I have to judge next to Todd Ripley and his non-stop blithering and spewing hypocrisy of catch and release. Really Todd, you’ve gone down the rivers in the State of Washington for how long and still haven’t noticed the non-stop native netting going on. Hmmmmmm---- the fish are endangered because of rehabilitation… It can’t be that they can’t make it through the non-stop netting. So come join the fun on the Carbon River for a once in a life time derby for pinks. (that just sounds wrong)
Hello, my name is James Wyatt and I am putting together a fishing derby called the Carbon River Pink Open. We are conducting our first bi-annual Pink Salmon fishing derby. This derby will be located on the Carbon River in Orting,WA.This derby is non-profit and all proceeds go towards prizes. The derby will be promoted on several websites and in local fishing stores as well as through other mediums such as facebook and youtube. The entrees will be required to follow all the laws set forth by WDFW(Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife) for the proposed river.
The entrees will pay $20 dollars to enter and 1st place will win a cash prize dependent on the amount of entrees. All entries will be given a T-shirt(which will be paid for through entrance funds). We are looking for companies and organizations looking to be affiliated with this event and donate additional prizes for entrees. Suggested prizes should retail from $20 to $100. All sponsors will be listed on flyers and internet advertising as well.
Thank you for your time, James Wyat
Speaking of Native Netting… it has been rumored that I’ve been called a racist because I don’t like the tribes that over net. That isn’t true. I love Indian culture. Native Americans are cooler than shit, especially the Haidas of Queen Charlotte fame. I love Native American Art, I have Native American friends, I even got the Raven tattooed bigger than life on my beautiful muscular back. First stage was a five hour outline and I was sooo stupid I only brought a six pack. Two more stages to go!
I also use to guide all the time but with certain Washington Native Tribes that over net and cause fatal population crashes of huge runs of steelhead and salmon, I’m not a fan of these tribes.
And I’m going to put it as simply as I can. There is no way that a Northern Washington tribe would ride their ponies (they didn’t have any) and net Southern Washington Rivers when they were quite happy on the one they lived on.
They also didn’t eat steelhead. Steelhead didn’t keep well when smoked because they aren’t a fatty fish.
So if I say I don’t like a certain tribe that has cost me the best job in the world when I actually made money to barely guiding over the year, I have a right to do point out the obvious. It doesn’t make me racist. That would kind of be like me getting offended that Italian women are loud mouth bitches. Really? I’m so fuckin offended.
Plus, I’m an 1/8th Indian, mother fuckers….
Here's our "Warrior Roar"; "Hey Justshoot Mustshoot, my hot girlfriends and I think you're a total creepy faggot and if we see you while bow hunting. We're going to chuck elk shit bombs at your ass."
WHAT ABOUT THE GAME ASS JUSTIN MUSCHOFF?
How’s that going? I know you all are dying to know.
Well, after doing some very important “political save our hunting rights stuff” I got to talk to over 500 hunters, loggers and fishermen. And guess what I found out about “Mister Trigger Happy”. Seems like I’m not the only one he pulled this on. According to some really awesome “Mister Trigger Happy” stories I heard about.
I’ll start with my first tail where a group of Muckleshoot Hunters went on a slaughter fest of a herd of elk next to a crew of loggers working a site. The Natives who were known for just taking the horns and back strap did just that and left 20 elk and all their delectable meat to rot.
So the logging crew not knowing the unknown law at the time, that if a Native American makes a kill no one else is allowed to harvest the animal and thus the 100s of pounds of meat were to go to waste.
So the loggers harvested the hind loins and other delectable parts and went home. Unbeknownst to them, some asshole gamewarden named Mister Trigger Happy was a watching and decided to do a sting.
Well, the loggers got busted and the other half got rid of the tainted meat and retained their hunting rights and their guns but they were targeted by “Mister Trigger Happy” who made it his business to bust the innocent other loggers no way were they to get away with lying to him. Really, aren’t some game wardens the biggest liars of all?
The next fall or maybe that year, one of the loggers had some acreage and was having problems with the Muckleshoots shooting deer on his property. So one morning “Mister Trigger Happy” shot a deer on the logger’s property and cut off the head and left the rest of the deer to rot. He figured if the stupid redneck logger did it before he was going to set him up to do it again.
But little did the unorthodox game warden know that the logger had infrared vision goggles, so the logger enjoyed watching “Mister Trigger Happy” spend his nights watching the rotting deer carcass waiting for a bust.
Now what I’d like to point out after my dealings with Mister Lonesome Trigger Happy that it is soooo obvious that someone doesn’t have a special someone waiting for him at home. Mister Trigger Happy probably got so horned up watching that poor carcass he imagine it regrowing its horns and how he’d let out all his sexual frustrations on it. I don’t even want to know what happen when the logger finally went to bed.
It is like “Silence of the Lambs” meets “A Spastic Dirty Hairy” and I’m not talking Hannibal Lector. “It puts the lotion on it’s skin and then it gets shot again.” Also, Mustshoot (spelling on purpose) is the main gamewarden for Enumclaw. (We all know about the Horse/Sex Deaths if you’re not from here)…
My favorite all time “Mustshoot” story is when he goes busting poor family folk fishing barbed hooks on the Stuck. I guess fishing with barbed hooks constitutes having a gun pulled on a family fishing for trout.
Yup, they were more than happy when I gave them the contact info, to file a very much needed complaint. They were actually afraid to do it because Justin or Justshoot threaten in a phone call the following day saying he was going to bust them for poaching.
Hey, these are tails I’ve just heard, I don’t know if they are truly factual but again, it may be hearsay but these are stories that Occam’s Razor, a philosopher that found that the simplest explanation is the most accurate information.
I of course told these tails to a friend of mine, a King County Sheriff and a Buckley Detective that were dumbfounded. I guess law enforcement can’t call you the next day after pulling a gun on you and threaten you with a trumped up charge.
You know I remember a similar officer of the law that was only given one bullet. Searching searching my memory but I think he was from Mayberry and when he pulled a gun on some buddy, Andy Griffith took his bullet away. Just a suggestion for his superiors.
Oh, and getting fucked with by bad game wardens? Have them trespassing on your private property (which they can’t do BTW) call your local sheriff’s department and bust his ass. Really, no one can hang out on your property. It is trespassing and against the law… and I have a special sheriff’s deputy in love with me that want’s to bust Barney. And you know some thing? Justshoot Mustshoot kind of looks like the big purple one, don’t ya think?
“I love you, you love me, I will shoot you from a tree. With a great big bang and I shoot, shoot , shoot. Don’t you think I’ll accidentally kill you.”
Hey folks I’m outta here!