ANGIE THE FISHING GODDESS RANTS...
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SPRING 2014

  Sorry my boat was so bad ass and fishermen just freaked on it, it has to be my main page I need to quad it.  LOL

Hey dudes!  Wussssss UP!

I’m going to be doing a tell all, tell all about Forks, Washington or otherwise known as the Olympic Peninsula.  First of all I must say, I’ve been having a blast out there after the world’s best scouting trip in 70 degree weather this fall and patterning now 28 Roosevelt Elk Bulls and putting them into a spread sheet.  I got the low down, I got the gossip and by the way, none of it is negative except for the asshole that dared to row over my plugs and water, I’m little Miss Positive Polly Anna now!

But before all that…

I’m almost completely booked for the last half of May for springer fishing.  So ya better call NOW!  Everyone wants to get a springer and with me, it will be Mister Toad’s Wild Ride but first the negative stuff.  Sorry boys.

 I’d just like to say that you should be super duper careful of who you hang out with out there.  I found out I was guiding with the wrong guide.  Who gave me the taint of…  Wild Fish Killer.  Really?  And you know, if the other guides don’t like him there’s a reason but don’t put the “hate” on me.  I’m a good person and by the way…

 I’VE CATCHED AND RELEASED MORE FISH THAN ANY OF THE GUIDES OUT IN FORKS EVER DID!  YES, I WILL SCREAM IT FROM THE TOPS OF THE OLYMPIC MOUNTAINS AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN!


Oops here's me holding a fish for my client and we released it but oops I'm holding it out of the water so we killed it or did we?

While everyone drove out there to kill wild steelhead, MISS ANGIE WAS FISHING THE SAUK AND SKAGIT AND WHILE EVERYONE WAS OUT THERE DURING THE LAST OF THE PUGET SOUND HAY DAY AND CATCHING ONE TO TWO FISH WITH THE OTHER 100 GUIDES OUT THERE I HAD THE SAUK AND SKAGIT TO MYSELF AND I RELEASED ANYWHERE FROM THREE TO NINE STEELHEAD A DAY.

SO ALL OF YOU THAT THINK I’M A WILD STEELHEAD KILLER YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK YOURSELVES.  ESPECIALLY YOU YOUNG PRICKS ROWING THEM RAFTS BECAUSE YOU’RE THE SIZE OF A MIDGET AND CAN’T MANUVEUR A DRIFT BOAT OR WOULD THAT BE…

YOU CAN’T AFFORD A DRIFT BOAT?  And can you imagine being in a raft when the wind picks up?  Suffer much?  Your clients are suffering even more.

THE ONLY REASON WHY I WAS AGAINST CATCH AND RELEASE BECAUSE ONCE THE EVIL CORRUPTED AND BRIBED DAVE WARE’S WDFW START MAKING RIVERS CATCH AND RELEASE…  the following happens…


 Another catch and released but we killed it because it's held out of the water.  LOL  This fish just sat there and looked at the fly over and over again till a plug induced it to strike.

They chip and chip away at the season.  The fish us white sportsmen give back to the state have to be and must be netted by the Native Americans that gladly gobble them up.  Don’t believe me?

WELL HEY FOLKS FORKS NOW IS CATCH AND RELEASE FROM JANUARY 1ST TO FEBRUARY 16TH!  AND GUESS WHAT THE NATIVE AMERICANS DID?  WHEN THEY WERE ONLY SUPPOSE TO BE NETTING THREE DAYS A WEEK THEY NETTED EVERY GODDAMN DAY BUT THURSDAY.  DON’T BELIEVE ME?  WELL, MISS ANGIE MADE SURE OF IT BY GOING DOWN TO THE MOUTHS OF THE RIVERS AND SAW IT. 

How did the Olympic Peninsula Guides deal with it?  And it took me what a week to figure it out.  They’d fish the lower river on Thursday and follow the fish up the river for the rest of the week.  Imagine fishing the big wave of fish that came in on the Hoh and by Tuesday the GUIDES WERE PUTTING IN AT THE CONFLUENCE OF THE PARK.

So they’re going to chip and chip and chip away just like they did on the Puget Sound Rivers.  It only took from 1996 to 2010 and the rivers were dead dead dead.  Are they still dead?  Fuck yes they sure are.  I fished after a big rain in January on the Sauk this year.  Thinking that since the rivers were closed I’d clean up like I always do.  NEWS FLASH the river has been taken over by dolly varden and I plugged from Government Bridge down and didn’t touch a steelhead.  My buddy Carter and his lovely bride Rebecca couldn’t believe all the spots I called and the only thing we caught were dolly varden.  They closed all the rivers but yet the Native Americans continue to net without distraction.  Does this make me a racist?  No it makes me pointing out the facts.

Jack.

Does this mean that Dave Ware is being bribed without distraction?  Sure does.  That tiny midget little fucker.

 

Another catch and released but since its held out of the water did we kill it?

So how long do I give the Olympic Peninsula and the lazy ass guides out there that let the WDFW walk all over them?  I give it five years.  Because rumor has it THAT THE WILD STEELHEAD COALITION AND TROUT UNLIMITED WANT THE CATCH AND RELEASE SEASON TO GO TO MARCH 1ST AND NO RETENTION IS COMING REALLY SOON FOR THE NATIVE STEELHEAD THAT MOST PEOPLE PUT BACK.  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN MISS ANGIE?

THE NATIVE AMERICANS WILL START NETTING FULL TIME EXCEPT FOR ONE DAY A WEEK AND THEN YOUR RUNS ARE DEAD.

When I discussed this with Dean Swerin the ultimate turn around dude out there.  Be careful who you use because sometimes they don’t have car insurance and I heard about a guide who’s truck got smashed and there was no way he could get compensated for it…

 “THE WEATHER KEEPS IT ALL IN CHECK”. 

Well, some times the weather doesn’t.  And what really gets me is this…

HOW THE FUCK IS THE WSC AND TROUT UNLIMITED DOING THE EXACT SAME THING THEY DID TO THE PUGET SOUND RIVERS?  REALLY?  REALLY?  THEY MADE THEM ALL CATCH AND RELEASE AND NOW THERE ARE NO FISH TO CATCH AND RELEASE HOW STUPID ARE YOU?

SNEIDER CREEK FISH?  A Guide brood stocking program.  Taking the wild fish of the Sol Duc and helping them along?  That’s not a hatchery program with some piece of shit fish from another river.  It’s wild fish from the Sol Duc River getting a helping hand. 

ARE ALL YOU GUIDES AND SPORTS FISHERMEN OUT THERE GOING TO LET IT HAPPEN TO THE OLYMPIC PENINSULA?  SURE YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU AREN’T ORGANIZED AND YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT OR YOU’RE TOO STUPID TO LIVE.

I give it five years.  In five years I’ll be retired and owning a condo in Key Largo and a flats boat where I’ll be happily guiding for bone fish and permits in a bikini.  Hire an Orvis Guide or me?  I’d hire me because when the wind starts a roaring I will have light gear with live shrimp to make sure you have a stellar day.

 But I will quit being the barer of bad tidings because, not only am I appalled but I’m in shock.  It seems that the Quallayutes and the Hoh Native Americans have realized that some of their tribe are over netting and not keeping to the schedule.  They are actually worried about their fish runs and have hired an ex-state patrol to police the nets.

 

Carter has a small fish cursed.  But we hit 9 fish and landed two in one day.  Because the Natives aren't netting so Saturdays are awesome even behind 10 boats!

And I must say.  He’s doing an excellent job.  When the Native Americans stop netting on Wednesdays it seems some young tribal members decide to go behind the guides on Friday, Saturday and Sunday pulling the nets across without permits.  Because they’re Native Americans they can do what they want right?.  Well, this Lapush native is handing out tickets to the tune of $2,000 that goes to the tribes.  At least these tribes know, unlike the bribed dude from the WDFW Dave Ware that is taking bribes and closing things and letting the bad tribes do what they want is a bad bad thing.  I’m sure Dave Ware is investing his money on a penal inplant.  Just saying.  When I can touch my chin to the top of your head, you have serious short man issues.

  So is there hope for the Olympic Peninsula?  I hope so but I doubt it.

And the other issue that I have for the OP is this…  Why the hell do we let out of state guides guide in our state?  Every state in the country refuses to let guides, except for Alaska, guide in their state?  It’s just like Washington to make sure the small business man fail.  If I can’t guide in Montana, Oregon or Idaho because I’m not a resident then why can they guide here?  I think that is totally fucked up.  And speaking of fucked up…

I notice the Montana guides who were so stupid when they first guided here, are going way up river and fly fishing the spawning beds.  Why are they up so high on the rivers?  Because when I first encountered them as they threw their flies over our plugs and they cheered as they targeted smolts with their bobbers and nymphs I was like “what the uck”.  That’s the only way they can catch steelhead since they have no clue how to actually swing a traditional fly with a spey rod.  If you go fishing with a Montana guide in Washington youre targeting spawning fish.  Which is what most fly guides do anyway.

Except for me.

I give it five years.  I think fall salmon will probably be good for another 10.  Unless we keep having 70 degree sunny falls like we’ve had for the last three years.

Oh, and if you’re planning on king fishing up in Alaska this year.  Are you fricking nuts?  The Columbia River is going to have another banner year and if in June they decided YET AGAIN to make it catch and release cancel your July trip unless you think catching chum is a great alternative.

Speaking of chum in Washington.  They’re gone gone gone gone…  Gone like a freight train, Gone like yesterday…

SO LET ME TELL YOU I TOLD YOU SO…  I PREDICTED THE PUGET SOUND FISHERIES TO GO BYE BYE IN 2006.  SO FISH THE OLY PEN WHILE YOU CAN.  IT’S YOUR LAST CHANCE.

Speaking of the Olympic Peninsula.  I notice no one pulls plugs and rafts and float fishing is all the rage.  This is due to the fact:

The plug pulling gods of old are just too old.

Guides are too lazy or too stupid to let you drift fish.

Or…  The new crop of guides are too lazy, too weak and too stupid to figure it out.

What does this mean?  Good luck getting a 20 plus pounder.  It’ll never happen unless you make your guide pull plugs.  And if they pick you up in an 18 foot drift boat?  They don’t have the muscle to do it appropriately because there are three of you in the front and the boat is too heavy to do it appropriately.

SPEAKING OF PULLING PLUGS…

 

Doesn't the Legend of Lato look like breaking bad he did to me when he tried to hit me...

We will now go to the legend that is Randy Lato.

The legend of a tiny man, with tiny arms that is probably the worse fisherman on the Peninsula and the only other charter guide out of Lapush for ocean fishing that sucks ass.

Once upon a time, Miss Angie and her hubby Orvis Boy went fishing with Jim Richardson out of Lapush in the ocean on the Prairie.  What is the Prairie?  The giant flats that the Chinook and coho feed last upon before they go up Buoy 10.  On our fruitful journey with ace charter guide Jim, we limited out with six kings, and 12 hatchery coho.  We had to go thru sixty coho to get to 12.  Of course Miss Angie got most of the coho, they didn’t use to nickname me “coho Princess” for nothing.

When we got back to the dock with the other charter boat, ran by Randy Lato…  A very pissed off couple walked up to our giant mound of fish and were thoroughly disgusted with Randy Lato.  Why was that?  They had two fish to their name.  Where Miss Angie, Orvis Boy and a very sea sick nephew were limited out.

 

And this is your face book awesome picture?  Really? I want to fish with Lato the Legend of spawned out steelhead!

Why am I picking on poor fishless and the worse fisherman out there, Randy Lato?  Well, he’s a very short short man with short man’s syndrome.  There’s a lot of short men out there and I’ve dated quite a few but they made up for it in other ways where they weren’t so short.  Hee hee…

If you can’t  tell by his pictures.  He’s obviously the worst person to ever fish in his life.  Don’t believe me go to his face book.  He has charter trips where six clients all got one fish?  One fish?  Where Jim Richardson if he had six dudes would have over 30 fish in a monster pile at the dock.

So how does Miss Angie know him?

 

A boat of six with one fish a piece and Richardson's two person trip...  Lato sucks

Jim's and our's catch wayyyyy better than anything the Legend of Randy Lato did...

How I ran across the freak who looked like he was on meth and a bitter bitter man.  Since most guides don’t plug fish and I’m also thinking this is due to the fact that the poor guides get dudes that want to catch their own fish and float fishing is a no brainer.  I asked a guide how it was rowing with one client in front and one in back and they said it hurt.  On seeing me, the guides would sit there and watch way behind me as I fished the traditional plug waters and most would get a super great show and if I got one or didn’t meant that the fish were on the bite or not.  I was their barometer if the bite was on or off since I was the only one plugging and have extra special powers.

Like when I took Rick from the In Place fishing to pay for my rent for staying at his property in my awesome little camper.  While pulling plugs at “Eric’s Tree” we hooked the monster daddy of all fish.  Would of probably been the biggest steelhead buck caught all year.  But we or I freaked.  The thing was the size of my Seahawk logos on my boat and it just saulked at the side of the boat and I should of taken a picture of it and I should of rowed the boat and landed it at the bank.

When we had tried to net the beast, I didn’t know that the other guides had ruined Rick that he had fished with previously and told him never ever to thumb or tighten the drag all the way when netting a fish.  As I tried to net it, it took out line and curled in the net, if only I had my gaff hook.  So we lost it.

In front of four other guides, I lost it.  They rowed in horror as I jumped up in down in my boat like a screaming banshee swearing for at least an hour.  I haven’t lost a fish to the net since the tornado out of Sumac in 2007.  I was livid… and Rick felt bad for me.  Like I said it would have been the OP buck of the year and I would of made “the legend that is Angie” even greater.

Back to the “legend that is the biggest loser Randy Lato”.

So as the boats were descending on us and holding back to see what I was up to.  I was pulling my plugs along the giant log jam above Whitcomb Dimmel.  You start on the slot on the right and move into the seam and along the edge of the logs to the left.  Then a boat came by and I went to my client.

“Oh that fucker is so not going over to my plugs”

“Oh that fucker is now on the plugs”

“I’m sorry client but I have to say some thing because I can’t let him get away with it”

“Now I’m going to kick his ass because he just threw his shit over my plug water and fucked it up”

So I told him to get the fuck off my seam before I kicked his ass and he called me a cunt.  At the take out I decided to not take out next to him least I take my oar and hit him with it.  He then as I walked by him remaining quiet and professional, thinking I know his name I’ll just ruin him on the internet.  The short midget of a man got out of his boat after cleaning a five pound buck and ran at me.  Yelling that I hogged his river.  As I screamed back that he had no dick and suffered from short man’s syndrome,  he got into my face within two inches.  I pushed him and told him my husband will kill him and if he sees the 12th man a coming it’s coming with a fist.


 If this is his only buddy and on his FB not a sign of a wife, girlfriend or even a guy pal...

So this is the legend of Randy Lato.  When I went to his pathetic face book page and witness what you will now and his only friend is his dog.  I didn’t want to do it.  I felt sorry for the lonely bastard that probably puts peanut butter on his member so his only friend would do him the pleasure.

But no one fucks with Angie, no one goes over my plug water and threatens me with physical violence and runs at me at the take out.  Especially when I didn’t do a gosh darn thing.  He’s a freak and, he’s also the shittiest fisherman…

AND IT SHOWS…  I’m glad he did it because then all the poor innocent fishermen out there might never get the chance to have the shittiest experience of their lives.

Out of here boys.  Be prepared for some turkey porn as I go turkey hunting and some springer porn and my kid has spring break so it’s a family thing for April Steelies before clients.  My husband gets to row and get me some fish.  My husband has a big fish mojo just like his….   

Oh and the last week everyone caught nothing but hens which is an awesome sign for the big bucks coming in April.

 

I hate to say this…  I guided so much this winter that it became a job.  But I never ever got skunked.

UNLIKE SOME DUDES. 

LOVE YA ALL!!!!

OH AND BTW YOU GUIDES OUT THERE DO THE FISH CHECKERS A FAVOR AND TAKE A SCALE OF THE FISH YOU RELEASE IT TAKES A WHOLE BLOODY MINUTE!

WINTER BLOG 2014


Before I go on and on about fishing…  I just have to bitch about the Winter Olympics.  Come on?  The Olympics in a third world country that had to bring in their own snow?  Really?  I think the Olympic Committee that got more than bribed did it to take out the good countries contestants so they can win four years from now.  Yup, just my opinion.  

And now for the real Sochie Olympics told by announcer Miss Angie.  

Welcome one and all for the Winter Olympics held in the tropical region of the Black Sea.  This sea is so polluted with Nuclear Waste that you will find the finest carp and perch served at only the finest restaurants in Sochie.  Please try not to spit the water on your date while dining because that’s not water, it’s only the finest vodka in all of the Russias.  Allergic to fish?  Too bad, because that red meat you decided on eating are one of the local puppy strays that the locals are still trying to contain least you get bitten by one and contract rabies while watching an event.  Just say “NO” to these cuddly little creatures and make sure when you kick one, your boots deal a yelping blow, errrrr sandals because who would wear boots in 65 to 70 degree weather?

Need to use your bathroom at your newly but badly built hotel?  No problem!  Just stand in line with the other hundreds of hotel guests that don’t have a bathroom either.  Can’t wait in line because you ate at the above restaurant?  Be careful squatting like a bitch in the woods!  That stray puppy you kicked might just be plotting revenge.



Poor Bob Costca...  When looking up the pink eye thing, it was so googled because it's been years in the USA since it's been a problem...

If you were wondering why ambulances are racing by you at break neck speeds adorned with flags from different countries?   Don’t be alarmed!  Since the contestants are dropping like flies because of the ice they must compete on, feel free to cheer at the ambulance that makes it first to the hospital.  Since the contestants can’t compete and are injured the Olympic Committee has introduced a new event to the games.  It’s called ambulance racing!  I hear that Canada and the United States are broken neck to broken neck for the Gold!  With Austria and Germany falling in a close second for the Silver Medal.  I predict Germany will get the bronze.  

If you have any medical background, please feel free to visit the Red Cross and come to the contestants aide.  It seems that the hospitals, like the hotels are all filled up.  It is now time to do what you can for other countries in need.  It will only be a matter of weeks before the United States can come to aid this third world country because they must bribe their way into this disaster area.  But be assured you’ll get the best of care once the veteran medical staff that saved all the victims of the garbage dump disaster  that happened in Mexico make it.  Contestants that are being stuck with an already used needle?  That’s okay when they return to their country all Olympic Contestants will be tested for the Aids Virus and Hepatitis C and have free treatment for life.  Well, depending on
what country they live in.


Here's my last plus 20 pounder in front of the Willie Logo...  sorry dudes ya dropped the ball so I dropped the logo

BTW I can’t possibly make this shit up!  Where will the Summer Olympics be held this Summer?  I heard the Olympic Committee changed it to Samolia!

Poor Poor puppies…  Or poor poor Olympic Contestants!  I don’t know who has it worse.

I know the veteran announcer that got pink eye!  Hopefully, everyone will learn from his mistake and bathe in the vodka they are forced to drink.  I love how the media are trying to down play all of this but they are being forced to drink vodka.  I can’t wait till our Olympic Heros and Heroines arrive home and get off the plane.  I hope they all get a Purple Heart Medal from Obama.  That is if he can even pin them on the contestants plastered arms, shoulders and legs.  

Well, this is going to be short and sweet.  I have to get ready to go out to the Olympic Peninsula.  I’d already be out there but don’t know if I’ll ever make it because Carter the Curse is coming out to fish with me and my childhood friend Jeff.  Yup, Carter the Cursed has again blown out the rivers.  I was having so much fun on the lower parts of the rivers that I didn’t bother to relearn the upper half of them.  After that I’m booked solid and who knows how long I’ll be out there if I get enough fish porn with them.  

So here I’m going with the tip of day.  I went out and bought some new Cataract Composite Oars.  I’m surprised that a lot of guides and drift boat rowers don’t know that they don’t have to keep buying new oars every couple of years.  The only thing that breaks down composite oars are UV Rays.  So what does Miss Angie do?  Well, Miss Angie’s fishing bitch “Orvis Boy” use to do it for her but he’s busy still trying to fix my boat trailer lights.  If you take black electrical tape and tape the whole oar up.  Yup, you’ll thank me for this tip and if you feel you must really thank me send me the $300 that you’ll save every couple of years.  And I’ll send it to the Red Cross Olympic Victims.  The only thing these victims will be competing in after their injuries is the “Special
Olympics”.


Oh lookey here, net marks and the Native Americans were so not suppose to be netting that day... yeah right.

Speaking of oars…  I would like to say that I just love the dudes at Three Rivers Marine.  Yeah, they’re Alumaweld Dealers that happen to make the best jet sleds but suck in the drift boat department (way to heavy and not enough rocker) but I can forgive that because if I ever buy a jet sled it will be from them.  A couple of years ago, because I was too lazy and always left my oars outside, they provided the best customer service ever!

While fishing the Skykomish and teaching a former NBA player how to fly fish it, one of my oars broke on a shallow bar and since I was rowing the Sky I didn’t bother to throw in an extra oar.  They hand delivered an oar to me.  Of course I had to climb up a cliff, navigate a yard with a mean rottweiler in it to make it to Highway 2... Which I won’t bore you with the details, but I almost died and had to extract the thorns from my girlie hands.  I just want to give them another hearty.

 “Thanks Three River Marine, you are the best”!



I still think the 12th man is gay as shit and so does the rest of the country but I now have the coolest boat in the country.  Yup.  Did you know
that most fishermen and hunters aren't big sports fanatics.  I find that just as gay as the 12th man.  Who would ever fish on Superbowl Sunday?

Now, I would and I just hate to do this, but Willie Boats are forgetting customer service for all of us veteran rowers of their boats.  Every plus 18 pound steelhead picture I’ve ever taken I’ve taken in front of the Willie Boat Logo on my bad ass boat.  I’m a bit put out by Willie, because I don’t have the new skid UHC whatever skid plate, and have to spend 10 hours driving round trip because it has to be factory done.  I would really really like one for this season but they don’t deliver or whatever it takes to put one on at another Marine place.  

On the bright side though, I’m gonna make a vacation out of it!  Might as well hit Ashland Oregon for a couple of Shakespeare Comedies.  Yup, Miss Angie loves Shakespeare.  Bet you didn’t know I’ve been in a few plays during college and I bet you didn’t know that Miss Angie use to be a cellist.

How did I become a hunting and fishing redneck?  The world will never know.  Kind of like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

Another awesome fishing tip from Miss Angie…  old plugs looking dull and lifeless kind of like the Olympians heading home?  Take finger nail polish remover and shine them up and then dip them in Luhr Jensen Paint.  Which I heard they’ve discontinued.  I’ve tried the spray paint thing but dipping them in Luhr Jensen paint is just the bomb.  And I think Sportco has the last couple of bottles.




Here I am with my new "killer girlfriend" she's killed more trophy animals than anyone I know.  And I dub Becca as "quick draw magraw" she's
got beautiful blue eyes and did I ever mention that blue eyed people are better shots?

Oopsy…  Now I have to say some thing bad about Luhr Jensen plugs that got bought out by Bass Pro Shops, since I brought it up.  STEELHEAD AREN’T TROUT THEY DON’T LIKE GREENS, YELLOWS AND BROWNS.  THE PLUGS WE USE TO BUY AND IF YOU’D PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT SOLD IN THE PAST THEN I WOULDN’T BE BITCHING ABOUT IT NOW WOULD I?

OH AND IF YOUR GUIDE ISN’T SWITCHING OUT THE TREBLE HOOKS FOR THE SINGLE SIDEWASH GAMMIE HOOKS?  HE SUCKS AND WANTS YOU TO LOSE THE FISH OR BRING THE FISH IN AS FAST AS POSSIBLBECAUSE THEY CAN THROW THE TREBLES.  WHAT’S THE POINT OF CATCH AND RELEASING IF YOU DON’T PLAY THE FISH?  IT’S LIKE HIRING A PROSTITUTE AND COMING IN FIVE SECONDS.

Or…  throwing up after five seconds of a dove chocolate bar
Or…  buying a $400 purse and your dog chewing it up
Or…  jumping out of a plane and your parachute doesn’t open up
Or… going out fishing in Forks with a Montana fly fishing guide with an indicator and targeting smolts
Or…  I think you got my point.



I can't believe the flies I saw on the Peninsula some the size of plugs.  I'm glad I'm old school.
I think fly fishers now adays are plug envious or would that be...?

So please enjoy the fish porn and I’ll be out there for at least a couple of weeks in my nifty new camper that I over paid for because they marketed it as a 2009 and it was a 2004, my husband read the paper work after I picked it out and didn‘t notice, so what am I trying to say?  Fife RV sucks donkey dick?  Well, yeah.

I’m also going to be guiding for springers in May on my favorite river of all time.  I love springers they blow away steelhead.  Nothing says fighting than a 20 plus pound springer that doesn’t spawn till October and kicks your fricking butt!

So feel free to call me on my cell phone that doesn’t work at my house 425-478-6683 or email me at angie@thefishingoddess.com.

Oh and want to beat all the other guides out there and drift boat rowers that are too cheap to tell their clients about Dean Swerin’s Quallayute Shuttle Service?  Who wants to have to drive back and forth when you can have a hearty breakfast at Rick’s The In Place or The Coffee Shop, now being run by the two lovely waitresses that have served you since the 80s?

Dean Swerin (907) 252-1710



God I know how to hold a fish.  Don't you love the referee hat this thing rocks.



My new favorite client.  Lucky Charms Gordy... all six foot five of him.  He has
a size 16 foot.  No wading rivers for him.



He makes that seven pound steelie look like a minnow.  Yum Yum!



Want the ultimate trout fishing experince on flies call me next year.  I quarantee at least 30...




Over at Becca's house where she's redoing my bow.  Man I'm lucky for friends like her.


Hey dudes, eat your hearts out.  Losers these are her bows.

https://www.facebook.com/hopeonthehorizonoutdoors?ref=br_tf




I know where Mick Dodge hangs out.  I saw him hunting and he's lucky I didn't shoot his ass when he peeked at me behind a tree.  What a dumbass.  Who btw isn't even known on the Olympic Peninsula he's totally make believe.





Just one more dig at the Broncos.  Yup.... this says it all folks!

WINTER AND THE FINISH OF FALL 2013 UPDATE


WINTER FALL 2013

Hiddy Hoh Hoh!  Yup, I’m updating right before Christmas.  Why am I updating right before Christmas ?  Because I’m pimping out for clients.  And it will be a long while before I’m back on my blog because I’m going to take off this winter and spring to actually start guiding again.  So before I start ranting and raving, here’s my schedule and if you’d like to come fish with me during this time give me an email at angie@thefishingoddess.com or call me on my brand new Iphone 425-478-6683.

ANOTHER REASON WHY I'M AN AWESOME GUIDE...   I don't do it for the money.  I'm a spoiled rich trophy wife.  I do it for fun. It pays for my trips and outdoor fun and validates my outdoor skill.  So when I go out with clients, I only go out when it's fabulous fishing.  Otherwise, I wouldn't do it.

Why did I break down and get an Iphone?  Well, I learned this fall from the great Jim Mansfield himself that you have to be completely there for your clients.  I guess I forgot the number one rule of marketing and don’t I have a business degree?  With today’s outrageous in your face technology and thanks to it, people now a days have to be market  to 24X7.  If you don’t then they think you’re unavailable.  So you have to baby clients nowadays.  Is this a good thing?  I think it is.  If it wasn’t for today’s fast pace and ever growing streaming technology then we couldn’t get to know so many people that live so far away.



I think if you baby clients it can lead to awesome and life time friends.  Like for instance, West Virginia Bob.  If I had just taken him and his wife out once and then didn’t chat with him on the internet a couple of times afterwards, my husband and I would never have become fabulous buds.  We would of never visited the gorgeous Appalachians, my hubby never would of killed his first turkey and I would of never learned how to call one in the right way.  WV Bob is that good at calling them in.  If we never would of kept in contact he would of never came back to the Northwest and catch come record breaking fish and he would of never had that wonderful experience of sitting in the rainy rain rain forests of the Olympic Peninsula waiting for the elk to cross the river and watch giant banana slugs have sex.  Maybe he could of forgone that experience.  LOL

Yes, I owe a lot to today’s ever streaming technology.  I would of never met my husband, I would never had the guides out in Forks talk me into becoming a guide and I would never of gotten into hunting.  Especially elk hunting.  Before I go into THAT here’s my schedule.







Last week in December:  Hatchery Steelhead Fishing on the Green and the Snoqualmie
First week in January:  Hatchery Steelhead Fishing on the Green and Snoqualmie
Second week in January:  Native Steelhead on the Skagit System
Last two weeks and first two weeks of February:  Native Steelhead on the Olympic Peninsula
Last two weeks of March:  Native Steelhead on the Olympic Peninsula
Last two weeks of May:  Springer Fishing on the Olympic Peninsula
Fall 2014 October to Mid November:  Fall kings and coho on the Olympic Peninsula





Now why am I getting back into guiding?  Well, some thing tremendously horrible happened to my family On June 17th 2008.when I stopped.  I was doing pretty good three trips a week during the season.  The day before father’s day, my eldest daughter Loryn, you all remember her as my little hunting and fishing side kick, hung herself.  When I had moved to Buckley two years before, I had had a horrible miscarriage due to that wonderful medical facility called “Group Death” and an inexperience shitty obygyn.  I would of never had the miscarriage if I would have known I was pregnant with twins and been made to stay in bed. I was obviously her first patient with twins.  The night of my miscarriage my daughter and I had gotten into a fight because she wanted to see her boyfriend and I didn’t drive because I didn’t feel well and collapsed and you know what ensued.   I hope she didn’t think she caused it but it was a very tragic bloody ordeal.

After the miscarriage the same shitty doctor decided to prescribe me prozac.  You notice no one takes prozac anymore?  Because it’s an evil and evil drug and the doctors back then were handing it out like candy.  I got off it really fast because it made me hallucinate.  Unknown to me, after I had moved, my first husband’s wife took Loryn to the same obygyn who prescribed it to her.  Within six months, she had tried to commit suicide three times before she succeeded.  

My first husband was such an asshole that he never told my husband and I about it.  If I would of known, I would of taken custody and got her the help she needed.  ADHD was what plague Loryn and I.  When you have it you never sleep and if you take prozac it will kill you.  When I visited her father’s home I was shocked when I went through her art work.  The prozac made her go insane and she saw demons where ever she went.  I also believe that her father was turning into such a controlling asshole that she was making a point of her suicide to do it the day before father’s day.




For the next two years, I disappeared.  I started hunting and staying for weeks at a time hunting in the wilds of the Northwest.  I hunted the high mountain buck hunts, I hunted elk in the rain forests.  I killed shit and did some crazy shit.  Till I finally got therapy, seroquel and some sleep.  The pain comes and goes especially around her birthday and when I see friends my age with their daughters.  Teenage suicide is possibly the worse thing in the world because there is no one to blame.  Well, I still blame her asshole father and have vowed to get revenge especially when he ignored her last wishes and stuck her in a cold wall of a masoleum on the top tier.  Yes, my asshole first husband was that cheap.  One day, I’ll get the money, if I ever finish that last an final editing of my book and exzume her body and cremate her and let her ashes go free.  I’m superstitious and every once in awhile I think about my religion and pray to god she’s not in purgatory.

It’s taken me years to actually talk about it.  When people asked about her, I told them she was killed by a drunk driver.  I’m glad my husband has had the capacity to help me through it.  I would of divorced my crazy ass at the time.  But that’s why I quit guiding.  I don’t think I would have been too much fun to be around.

Sob…




ELK HUNTING 2013 OR MORE LIKE THE BEST ELK SCOUTING TRIP EVER…

Since the horrible Buckley closure of our GMU, I’ve had to find other parts of the state to hunt.  So I went down to Raymond for a couple of weeks.  I was suppose to guide for Fall Kings up in Forks but due to the UNBELIEVABLE GORGEOUS WEATHER.  It didn’t happen.  I became obsessed with elk.  In fact I have 23 bulls patterned and in an Excel spreadsheet that my buddies would die to get and my “Elk Bible” note book.  What did I learn about elk hunting?

DO NOT ELK HUNT WHEN ITS WARM, SUNNY AND BEAUTIFUL.  GO FISHING AND MAKE SOME MONEY.


Oh and what happened to my doing some deer guided hunts over in Tanasket?  I didn’t get my elk in time and I told Brad Johnson that if I didn’t get an elk by Wednesday I wasn’t going out there.  I also thought it odd that he wanted me to guide in an area that I’ve never been to or even saw.  And I’m sure glad I didn’t.  Because when I told him I couldn’t make it (I was suppose to bring some clients to the table but everyone wants to hire me as an elk guide not a deer guide.)  The message he left on my voice mail was completely horrible.  He said things like, I’m going to ruin your reputation and I was warned about you being a flake?

I’m not a flake, I have learned through past experience being a woman in a man’s world that I have to be careful who I hang around with.  If I’m going on a trip and I’m the only gal in the group and don’t know them very well, most of the time it’s “good times” but some times things can go horribly horibly wrong  if you’re by yourself with men you barely know.  I’ve learned to always have a fucking escort.  I believe I made a good call after that message.




I’ve also learned from hanging out with Jim Mansfield and his manly men clients, that when I come into his lodge and he’s with his clients that I’m an enigma.  Imagine, you just fished or hunted with Jim and some chick dressed head to toe in camouflage, with her face painted like a bear, cougar kitty or puppy dog (depending on her mood) and she’s raving like a lunatic that her muzzle loader didn’t go off on a 2X3 monster bull (never use solid pellets when you hunt really hard covering a lot of ground they loosen up in your muzzle loader so you have to constantly be taking your stick thingy and push them down, so what am I saying?  Throw that box away and go back to powder).  Usually, my husband talks me down, well when I’m in Forks my buddies out there do.

Imagine the same chick has a 19 foot camper, a monster truck pulling a drift boat, and more guns than you do?  And you ask the stupid question;  “Is that Jim’s drift boat?”  Oopsy.  The old Angie would give you so much shit but the “New Angie” has finally come to the realization that when I pull up to the boat ramp with a boat full of fish or an elk in the back of my truck, is the fact that the guy can’t believe his fricking eyes.  The “New Angie” has finally figured out that when some dude looks at her in disbelief, they do one of two things that guys do.  They give me shit and think I’m full of shit.  Now what does the “New Angie” do?  She introduces herself and if I’m with Mansfield I say the following:




“Hi, I’m Angela Sorenson, that’s my truck, those are my guns that is my boat and I’m the female version of Jimmy”.  I’m a professional fishing guide and Jimmy taught me everything I know, go check out my face book page“.  Well, he hasn’t but don’t tell him that.  LOL  And instead of giving me shit they sit there looking dumb founded and check me out on their iphones.  Another good thing about streaming media.


The “New Angie” doesn’t get her panties in a bunch, or in my case Under Armor panties in a bunch.  I have finally realized that if you don’t know who I am and never hired me or seen my web site or heard of “The Legend That is Angie”.  You just can’t believe your eyes.  I have finally realized I am one of a kind and a freak of nature, so I don’t get upset about men’s reactions.  Especially if they’re slightly male chauvinistic.

 My favorite story of all time was when I was guiding for fall kings and all the dudes on the river were making fun of me because I spotted a bull and gave my clients the choice of bull or fish and rowed as fast as I could to the boat launch.  How do I row as fast as I can?  I row backwards and this seems funny to other drift boat fishermen at the launch.  When they asked me why I row backwards, I have finally realized that these inexperienced men don’t know much about anatomy.




BACK TO HOW TO HUNT ELK

So this fall was just absolutely beautiful. And now that we know not to hunt in nice weather and not to use solid pellets in your muzzle loader unless you constantly use the sticky thing to push your bullet, ball or whatever you call it tight.  I’m going to post all you need to know how to hunt elk and this is regarding Roosevelts not Rocky Mountain Elk, they’re two totally different creatures.

1.  Hunt with your girlfriend who is on her period or put a tampon in your pocket.  A used one.  I know gross, huh?  Hmmmmmm some one smells delicious, says “Big Daddy Elk”


2.  Be camouflaged from head to toe even your hands.  I was wearing a face mask with raccoon eyes and a baseball hat.  My ninja baseball hat was the best find I’ve ever made at Works Sports and More in Enumclaw.  BTW I shop there a lot.  “Big Daddy Elk” says “what’s that over there?  Is that a MOON face?

3.  When calling in an elk, and I’m not giving you that secret.  When you hear the elk coming in and making that umpa umpa snort snort sound, he wants to have sex with you and if there are two coming in and one squeals away do not use your fricking binos to see if he’s legal use your scope and shoot.  The bull that chased the other bull away is obviously LEGAL.  Forget about what hunter safety dudes say.  Do you want to freak out the bull by letting him see your binos?  Run little elkie run!  That shiny glare from the binoculars freaked you out didn’t it.

4.  After a couple weeks of hunting season the bulls aren’t with the herd because every dumb ass thinks the bulls are with the herd and chase the herd.  Bet ya didn’t know that?  That’s why they’re big bulls.  Let the dumb ass chase the herds all they want.  The bull is like I’m outta here.  He’s watching you chase cows and laughing.


5.  If you happen upon a herd and there’s no bull with them.  Be prepared to shoot the kitty.  You only have two seconds to do it.  Take a pot shot at it if you don’t have a decent shot.  Kitties need to die they’re too many of them in Washington State since they stopped hound hunting.  I have 5 use to be 7 behind my house now.

6.  Don’t shoot the bull if it’s behind a tree,  been there done that.  If you think you shot the bull moving his hump while you’re aiming at it.  Go find your bullet, it will be in the tree’s side or behind it, before you go on a wild goose chase.

6.  If you can’t find a blood trail.  Find the poop trail.  I know they don’t show this in the action movies, where the guy gets shot and in his final minutes he kills the alien, monster or bad guy, he’s shitting and peeing himself as he does it.  Gross, huh?  Imagine Bruce Willis saving the world with poopy pants.

7.  Cover yourself in scent.  What kind of scent?  Still not telling you unless I get paid by the company.  I left my coat out one night by my camper and the next morning I’m smoking a cigarette and all of a sudden I see horns coming over the river bank and I’m chasing a bull with my cell phone trying to get a picture of it.  Why didn’t I grab a gun and shoot it?  I wasn’t allowed to.  Hey, when staying at an awesome pad for free from a good friend and he says “no” because his sons




want to shoot it.  I’ve never been accused of being an asshole.

8.  In Western Washington, if you see a truck parked at a gate.  Don’t be an asshole and park at the gate and go in.  It’s a good way to have some one beat the shit out of you or if you’re a girl she’ll tag your truck.  I don’t have Vaseline in my truck for sexual purposes by the way…

9.  Learn your hunting spot.  Every fucking inch of it.  Why?  Ever hide behind a laying cedar and see elk horns two feet above the ground going by you?  That bull is walking in a ditch and it’s not your imagination.  You have a better chance of mounting it and riding it like a horse than shooting it.

10.  If you shoot an animal and it didn’t drop.  Don’t ever ever go after it.  Wait for a couple of hours.  It will fall a sleep where it bedded down because it’s been shot.  It’s not embarrassing to wait because you fucked up.  Don’t listen to your friends.

11.  If you happened to get a “White River Bull or  Cow Permit” pay me $100 and you’ll get a 2x3 bull or a shot at a trophy monster 6X6 like my old dude did.  He blesses his lucky stars that he was at the Enumclaw Work Sports and More that day and bragging about it.  He never had such an easy kill.  Though it killed him to hide and wait while 20 cows single filed by him.  Or go do like the guy that had the 6X6 shot that spent 13 days hunting the White River Unit and that was the first animal he saw.




12.  Don’t ever ever bring your wife to elk camp and then pay attention to her.  Are you fricking Stupid?  Especially since she’s having issues with the woman guide taking you hunting.  No I don’t want your family but they’re mine for five days.  Jealous much?  There’s no jealously in hunting, not on my hunts anyway.

13.  If you’re a chick hunt with other chicks.  We smell better and the bulls have no idea what we are.

14.  Screw them molasses blocks only bears like them.  That cheap ass white salt at Walmart works wayyyyy better.

AND THE BEST THING ABOUT NEXT FALL IS!  I HAVE AN ALL GIRL ELK CAMP.  I’m taking four lovely outdoor girls elk hunting.  If you want your gal to be a part of it email me.  I’m doing it for free.  Why?  Chicks get it done.  I want to prove that 

women can be the best hunters and all that they can be!  Plus, I never charge women that want to experience the outdoors and most can‘t afford it.  Even while fishing.  Which brings up the subject before I go…

There’s a horrible scam on the internet called Washingon Women of the Outdoors.  I’ve volunteered my service for years for free but the chick that runs it has her sons do it and they suck.  They take huge groups of women and take them fly fishing and all sorts of outdoor stuff where they actually get TURNED OFF by the outdoors.  Just warning the masses.  Good night I’m out of here!  MERRY CHRISTMAS AND SCREW A&E.




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FUNNY VIDEOS







FALL 2013 UPDATE AND GUIDING SCHEDULE



YES I HAVE UPDATED MY BLOG BUT I’M UPDATING MY HUNTING/FISHING GUIDED TRIPS NOTE:  I’M MONSTER MULIE HUNTING EAST OF THE MOUNTAINS THIS YEAR FOLKS!

I hooked up with an outfitter called Habitats Northwest

http://www.habitatsnorthwest.com


This happy man could be you!!!!!


THE FOLLOWING: TANASKET RANCH GMU 215
(where the monster mulies funnel while migrating)

MUZZLE LOADER HUNTS Mulies 3 pt Min September 28th to October 6th
4 day hunt $2400

ARCHERY RUT HUNTS Mulies bucks 3 pt min November 21st - 30th
5 day hunt $3500

PATAHA RANCH; POMEROY WA GMU 178

Modern Firearm Whitetail/Mulie 3pt Min October 12th to the 20th Youth anterless
4 day hunt $2400 Wild Pheasant hunts start on second week

angie@thefishingoddess.com Oh, and I'm your bitch for 4 days


The first hour...  one out of five coho on the Skagit over 15 pounds

ALSO BOOKING FISHING TRIPS FOR THE FOLLOWING:

$300 FOR TWO PEOPLE AND $250 FOR ONE PERSON

SKAGIT RIVER COHO DRIFT BOAT FISHING TRIPS
First and Last week in November and first week of December

GREEN RIVER HATCHERY STEELHEAD DECEMBER 2013
SAUK RIVER WILD NATIVE STEELHEAD JANUARY 2014
SOL DUC/HOH RIVER NATIVE STEELHEAD FEBRUARY 2014

Email me at angie@thefishingoddess.com or cell:  425-478-6683


Man I look tired you would too if you caught over 40 fish.  How
many native cohos does it take to get to a hatchery?  10! Go with Top Notch Guide Service!



FALL IS FINALLY HERE!  It’s time to kill kill kill.  The Seahawks rock.  Mushroom picking and canning all the month of October!  Glorious times!

Notice I haven’t updated my blog for awhile?  Well, how can I?  The ice storm of last year had me burning shit for a month, then I was punished for being lazy the year before and had to spend two weeks spraying weeds.  What kills everything except grass?  And for all you meth heads out there (David Vale ex neighbor and Muckleshoot kissass)…  Try this formula for size:

Crossbow + MP3 + Triox + Diesel + Dish soap = Death to all weeds.  Meth heads can just take out the dish soap but maybe you should leave it in.  Then your teeth will stay nice and white or green or blue depending on if you’re using Dawn Dish Soap.  BTW I have a patent on the recipe and the local Buckley Pre-School teacher peddling it for me.  Don’t ask.

Speaking of Meth.  What the hell has happened to Sultan?  I did some guided trips for Pink Salmon otherwise known as “the glorious humpy” or what I have now dubbed “the New Steelhead or Chinook”!  Why is that?  Well, since the Japanese have decided to pay $20 for chum eggs and the Harbingers of Nature  who are called the Salish Tribes of the Northwest need salmon for their ever growing Casinos.  We now have so much over netting of our wild salmon stocks that the pink salmon have taken over EVERYTHING.  Yup, even the Columbia River tributaries are getting “pink”.  And not in the “SPIRIT OF BREAST CANCER” ya, all!

Now does this make me racist for pointing out how bad Native American over netting is?  In the spirit of Duck Dynasty…

THAT’S THE FACT JACK!




The Duck Dynasty Dudes are awesome.  They have now taken over Walmart.  My husband even has Uncle Si’s green sippy cup.  And I do believe he’s not drinking sweet tea from that thing.  More like sweet moon shine.  In my opinion if Phil would have been smarter and bred better, though we all love May, men are always a sucker for a spinner…  I think Duck Dynasty would have been called Football Dynasty.   Why do great football players breed with spinner chicks?  And they wonder why their sons never achieve NFL size.  Dahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Breed with a nice big German chick and you’ll get a nice big NFL ready son.

 CEO Will did what I always wanted to do, he adopted a half African American kid, half Samoan boy.  If anyone out there with a pregnant teenage Samoan girl who is impregnated by an African American teenage boy the size of Marshawn Lynch, I’ll gladly adopt your grand baby since my womb could only conceive worthless “can’t play football” girls.

Does that say I’m racist and sexist?  Hell no!  I want to raise from birth the ultimate football son.  He will have a nursery all in Seahawk Colors, pictures of my favorite quarter backs on his mobile, wall paper marked with famous plays all in xs and os, bottles shaped as footballs, onesies with pads, his walker will be pushing a quad tire, he will watch film of old play off games instead of cartoons, and he will be put to sleep with the roar of the “12th Man”.  Am I saying I’m obsessed with football?

THAT’S THE FACT JACK!  Getting sick of this saying yet?


Took two "Gingers" fishing for pinks this September.  We decided to produce a movie "Called Humpnado"  The humpies come out of the water and try to kill you, after they spawn they become zombie fish and you can't kill them unless you sacrifice a "Ginger".

My first digression and wasn’t it a dousy!  So what the hell happened to Sultan?  As I drove through town I counted 20 Methed out zombies (like our local pre-school teacher).  One zombie was a beautiful blonde that half smiled at me with still a little bit of light in her eyes.  Then I almost screamed in horror as I noticed her arms and hands had been pecked to death and I think a bird would have been kinder.  I was also warned about parking and made sure my clients kept their cars at the Sultan boat launch.  Why was I not worried about my awesome truck being broke into?  Become an NRA member and take that sticker they give you and stick it on your window.  One thing truck breaking in meth-heads recognize is an NRA sticker.  Maybe that would work on all them poor broken in every year cabins on the Skagit.  I also haven’t been pulled over since I put it on my truck.  Gotta love gun toting cops!  Have respect for the NRA bitches!

THAT’S THE FACT JACK!

But this blog isn’t about meth heads, (local Buckley pre-school teacher).  It’s about my glorious hunting and fishing trips I had this year.  Yup, I found chantrelle fields to fill garbage cans, I shot a cougar, I killed the biggest black tail with the lamest rack ever, I went to West Virginia for some of the best turkey hunting and trout fishing in the world (fuck Montana you losers, at least you can eat WV trout  because they’re not filled with mercury hmmmmmmmm).   I learned to turkey call and actually was successful at it and I hung out with elk, have two bears on my dance card that are ABSOLUTELY HUGE and I’m elk hunting for myself this year.  I can’t believe I wasted my last years of elk hunting on clients and friends.  What was I thinking?  Instead of shooting cows I could of shot monster bulls (taste like shit).  What was I thinking?  Well, if you’re asking…




I DIDN’T KNOW THAT DAVE WARE THE HEAD OF THE HUNTING WDFW DEPARTMENT WAS GOING TO SACRIFICE OUR ELK HUNTING AND GAVE THEM TO THE SALISH TRIBES OF THE NORTHWEST TO DEMOLISH.  YUP THANKS DAVE WARE YOU SUCK. YOU TINY, BEEDY EYED MAGGOT!  I CAN KEEP SAYING IT BUT HE’S BEING BRIBED BY THE NATIVE CASINOS AND WHY OH WHY WON’T ANYONE DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

Yes, folks…  Say good-bye to elk hunting.  I give it five years if that.  Because this year I noticed the “Harbingers of Nature” were poaching from April till September.  Can I prove this?  Ya betcha.

While turkey hunting I noticed that after Wednesday, the forest was dead.  Not an elk in sight, a bird singing, squirrels chirping and complete silence.  I stayed east for three days for two weeks in a row.  After Wednesday I would go hunting and heard crazy turkey hunters screamin crow calls like trumpets.  Then I noticed a red ford lariat F150 and a white new Ford Explorer parked in weird places.  The second week I saw and walked right up to a beautiful, majestic, 7X8 all in velvet bull.  Where the hell was my camera I asked myself?  The next morning I found a roost where the bull was and set up.  The forest yet again was completely dead on a Thursday.  When I mean dead you can feel that some thing was wrong.


Redneck sex toy!  Really ladies?  Your man's gone for a week what else can he do?

As I sat in a blind, a couple of cows walked up to my decoys and I had to hiss them away.  I heard trucks parking by my truck and dudes swearing.  I was like what the hell?  Then crazy crow calling started up again.   Turkey hunters use crow calling to locate turkeys.   I figured my hunt was doomed and decided to go after the monster turkey I had called in the day before up on the ridge.  As I drove up the ridge I noticed peel off marks on corners.  I thought to myself, boy some one was drunk but then remembered how you spot game in the off season.  By driving around at night and pointing your head lights into an open section of the woods.

So I figured some one was poaching the night before and decided to give it up.  When I went back to collect my blind I saw tire tracks where my truck was parked that morning and a red lariat truck driving away.  Next to where I parked I saw a broken dolly covered with blood.  Being the curious creature that I was, I followed the dolly tracks and found a gut pile 200 yards off the road and velvet.  Methinks that monster bull won’t be bugling anytime soon.  

Being royally pissed, I took the dolly to the game warden down the road and he looked at me perplexed as I explained what had happened and if he finger printed the dolly he’d find the culprits, gave him the coordinates of the gut pile, a description of the truck and my phone number.  I bet he jumped right on it.  NOT!

THAT’S THE FACT JACK!


Famous Forks Wa Guide Guy Ruble's new obsession!  Turkey hunting and making calls!

Later on in the summer when I was scouting, I went into Yakima for supplies (I ran out of booze and bread).  I slammed my brakes when I saw the red Ford Lariat and White Ford Explorer parked in front of…NILES MEATS SPECIALIZING IN ELK MEAT.

Can I possibly make this shit up? Maybe it was coincidence? And do you think the lame game-asses will do anything?  I thought it funny that the game warden told me that I wouldn’t get any points for my poaching tips because I didn’t have a license plate.  And I bet you a million dollars he doesn’t do surveillance where I was hunting at every Wednesday night like I advised him to do.

BY THE WAY THAT ELK WAS SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL.  I BET THEY SOLD HIS HEAD ON EBAY!  JUST LIKE THE HOH INDIANS DO.  You know those blonde haired blue eyed dudes that have the nice jet sled that are members of the Hoh Tribe.  BLONDE BLUE EYES HARBINGERS OF NATURE?  

THAT’S THE FACT JACK!

Other things to mention:  the week before Qualayute Days, I heard late night driving and shooting.  Hey, they needed to feed 3,000  drunk canoe racers with an elk stew so that makes poaching OKAY to Dave Ware!

Opening day of bear season, while driving over the Pass my friend’s Snot’s truck was almost taken out by a giant monster 8X9 bull head leaning out of the bed of a truck that was the white dodge game warden truck for the Muckleshoots.   How do I know that?  That Muckleshoot symbol in the back window was a dead give away. This was three in the morning folks.  Wow, they must of stuck it with spears all during the day to kill it to be taking it out so late.  I guess the Muckleshoots wintered over in Yakima and hung out with them and are special friends so the Yakimas let them do poach their elk.  From talking to my favorite tribe, the Puyallups who informed me that no one likes the Muckleshoots, I don’t think so.  The Muckleshoots leave a bad taste in sportsmen’s mouths and give Native Americans a bad rep.

Then while scouting and staying at a HooDoo Campsite, I talked to the NICE Camp Hosts and asked them if anything weird was going on.  They said they kept getting woken up at two and three in the morning by drunk dudes driving around in trucks.  I didn’t see an elk for 10 days.  Hmmmmmmmmmm

So go elk hunting while you can and remember Dave Ware keeps closing up units.  CAN SOMEONE FIND OUT WHERE THE NOTICE IS THAT YOU CAN REPLY TO AS A COMMUNITY BEFORE THE GMU CLOSES?  I CAN’T FIND IT, MY HUSBAND CAN’T FIND IT, MY BUDDIES CAN’T FIND IT…  

Remember when they closed my GMU to elk hunting?  Without any notice and the excuse was that no one showed up to the meeting, the gameasses Justin Maschoff and Captain Brinson said it was unenforceable and now the elk screw up my neighbor’s manicured lawns, fences and the cougars are like rats feeding on them?  They’re coming to a GMU near you!




Dead serious.  Those pens were full of pheasants.

Speaking of cougars, you know how I’m hunting cougars this year?  In my barn.  They cleaned out all my pheasant cages, during the day.  Hey Justin!  I dare you to bust me in my barn, how’s it feel to be demoted from Sargent and stuck in Seattle?  You shouldn’t pick on or pull a gun on a girl you stalker freak!  KARMA

Recent elk hunting GMU closures; Little Naches, all of Packwood, part of Raymond and another place that I’m too lazy to look up.  Fall City area?

Looks like elk are going the way of the steelhead.  Will the Skagit System ever be opened till April again.? Not happening.  I warned you all about catch and release you idiots.  50% harvest for the white man and 50% for the Harbingers of Nature.  You give up your harvest and hey guess what?  The State has to give it to the other half which lets them net all they want.  And I’ve been called a bitch, cunt and whore for pointing out the obvious?  Hey WSC, how’s it feel not to fish in March and April. Anymore?  Ha ha ha

I’d help you and organize you.  But now I’m just the messenger.  You lazy hunters and fishermen don’t sign petitions, don’t go to meetings and just sit there and whine and bitch on the many Northwest Fishing and Hunting forums.  I’m glad the American Revolution happened when there were real men running about.  With today’s men, we’d still be ruled by her “Highness” and the French.  Am I calling today’s sportsmen a bunch of losers?  

THAT’S A FACT JACK

Who pisses me off the most?  Them Saturday morning guys, Tom Nelson, Bill Herzog, Rob Endsley, Duane what‘s his name…  Are you going to inform the masses about what’s going on or are you just going to keep prostituting yourselves without a care in the world?  You guys can actually do some thing.  But maybe not.   I’ve been on your radio show and got a whole two trips out of it (shows you how many people listen to it).  You better start bitching and informing our sportsmen because pretty soon you’ll be out of a job. Cabela’s Elk Camp Ad what a joke.  We all know how much hindsight most men have, obviously these guys don’t. 

And I will to my dying day, quote Tom Nelson of Outdoorline, Outdoorwhine;

“I’m not against native netting.”  Hey, that picture of you on the Skagit with that big Nate Steelhead is like what?  Twelve years old.  Be ashamed of yourself.  I am for you.  Personally, I actually like these guys, but come on dudes…  DO SOME THING!

THAT’S THE FACT JACK!


Happy Client with nice big king!  Thanks for the jigs Tom!

Now that I’ve spanked the monkey, let’s go on to happy times.

While learning how to turkey hunt, my first day went some thing like this…

That looks like a good spot.  So I set up my decoys and got out my gun and calls, but before I went back to my truck for my blind, I did some thing absolutely stupid.  I purred purred purred on that round thing with the stick.  And 100 yards away, I heard a gobble gobble.  Silently screaming “oh shit”!  I hid behind a tree.  Needless to say, they wouldn’t come out in the open because they could see me and another frickin gobbler flew over my head like bat man.  I then dubbed myself “rookie bitch”.  The next day was Thursday and we now know what happened the night before.

Second success in turkey hunting;  Set up my blind first, put out the decoys behind a skeleton tree, started to call and bang monster gobbler came running around the tree.  Waiting patiently, you can’t kill a turkey unless you blow it’s neck off, he refused to stand up properly.  Then he turned as I did a call to make him breast up.  He took one look at my cheap ass shiny blind and “high” tailed it out of there.  I now dub my husband as the cheap ass that he is.  Then it was Thursday and we now know what happened the night before.

And now for…

ANGIE AND ERIC HIT WEST VIRGINIA WITH WEST VIRGINIA BOB…


Like I have time to photo shop the picture deal with it!


You all remember WV Bob.  The all-mighty god of rain.  Who has the power to blow out the Skagit, the Olympic Peninsula and is so powerful he blew out the Columbia River during springer season.  Alas, Angie is now the all-mighty goddess of sun.  Who goes to West Virginia in December and brings in a 70 degree warm front that shut down all button buck hunting?  I think we are equally powerful gods, but I look a lot hotter in a toga and grape leaves.

We arrived in Pittsburgh and stayed at the equivalent of the Sheraton in Bellevue Square.  Eric arrived later from some rocket scientist convention in Texas, and was forced to drink and endure his Italian wife who had met four other Italian women.  He soon learned that he never ever wanted to move back East, least he be forced to deal with drunken Italian women.  He still suffers from hearing loss to this day.  

What made it even better was that the Sheraton was having a convention that was focused on helping and medicating sexual offenders.  The convention turnout wasn’t really very spectacular and I wonder why?  And no I don’t make this shit up.  The hotel we were staying at was actually having a convention for organizations and businesses that try to medicate and help sexual offenders and we’re talking child molesters, rapists, incestors…  you name the worse imaginable thing that could happen to your children and we were partying with the people trying to save them.

UPDATE:
My husband just came home and reminded me he was sober  at midnight and remembers what happened.  He came into the bar and sat with five drunk Italian chicks with me loving it.  He sat there entranced as he realized that my mannerisms are natural.  We ranted and raved all the time saying “Vive Italiano”.  It got so bad that another member of the “help the sex offenders gang” joined us.  Which was odd because the other worker bees in hearing distant kept saying how much they hated her.  When she joined us, she mentioned she knew one of them since she was five and the respondent said she hated her since she was four and  “the hated chick” took all the ensuing “I hate you bitch” insults as if they were complimenting her.  Housewives of New Jersey looked like a love fest compared with these girls.

But it got worse for Eric…At one point as we were bitching about our Catholic upbringing and schooling, how we were all ruler beaten by nuns.  The gal that knew the “hated one” was going to kick her ass.  My husband decided to leave us to go talk to the African American bartender.  I just wish I remembered all the weird stories the only thing I could remember was some dude abducting small children and got a way with it, I asked if any of these bastards could be helped and the gang replied with “only by cutting their genitalia off”.


Lookey here Montana!  You can eat these fish they don't have mercury in them and don't taste like canal mud!


The Italian Ladies we were drinking with were so hung over that the next day their booth we visited was unattended.  WV Bob and lovely wife Cathy were pissed that they missed out on all the fun.  WV Bob quote;

“We really really missed the sex offender helper’s convention?  Gosh dammit!”  

My point with that quote is that I’m trying to say, that some thing actually made him speechless and in the old south they don’t have a saying for that one.

Also, on the next day when we tried to visit their booth which was empty, we then tried to visit them in their hotel room.  Imagine how astonished we were that outside their doors were plates of room service food and four more bottles of wine.  Which we figured came to a hefty price of $600.  We went to the bar where the African American Bartendar was working again and Eric asked her the following question;

“So what’s it like working here with such a white clientele?”

The lovely African American bartender told us the following story.

“You know when Obama won the second election there was some kind of republican party support group here.  The room grew silent and they all glared at me.  I was like hey I hate the fucker and I’m totally a repulican.  They didn’t care.  When they mentioned that they wanted to lynch me, I closed that bar in two minutes and didn’t even count my till”.

We were like whooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..

So we partied it up again, this time going out to dinner at the famous Steak House that is Mortons, which is toted by Anthony Bourdain as the best Steak House ever.  Well, this restaurant critic has some thing to say about Mortons.  Worse $100 steak ever.  The sides were great but I didn’t know what kind of piece of shit grill they were using, because my filet mignon was good on the ends but nasty in the middle.  I must of made such a face that the manager instantly came over and asked me what was wrong.  Being the gourmondo that I am I replied;

“Do you have a new chef?  Or do I have to go back there and teach him how to grill a steak?”

WV Cathy looked like she was going to kill me but cut into the middle of her steak and went “yuck”.  Free deserts all around bitches!  At least their pastry chef did a good molton lava cake.




Trout for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  AS NATURE INTENDED THEM TO BE!

Then we changed from evening attire to foot stomping hill billy clothes and went hill billy clubbing.  I talked to the opening band member when I noticed he was stomping next to me.  My old gal pal Sydney use to know the owners of the Tractor Tavern in Ballard and I kind of knew them but hadn’t been there in years but if I can help an awesome real American Folk Band, complete with washboards and banjo dueling daughters who were also fiddling dueling daughters with voices like angels, why not.? So I talked to the dad/manager of the family band about “how would you like to tour the Northwest”.  

The family band and the weird guitarist main act, who was more popular, how I don’t know why, got to tour the Northwest and were tickled pink.  They called the Tractor Tavern, mention Sydney’s name, and sent them a CD.  They got to play all over in Seattle, Portland and even San Francisco.  The West Virginian Folk Foot Stomping groups don’t know how much us Westerners love them.  We need more bands out here like that but I think the Hill Billy love for song blood got thinner the more West us settlers went.

West Virginia turkey hunting was awesome.  I learned how to call, missed my turkey because after sitting for five hours it was already running away once the sun glared on my glasses.  Eric got his because it was so cold the day before, and Eric being the god of birds that can shoot pheasants at 70 yards with a shot gun, woke up and nailed it.  Miss Angie sucks with birds and will be the one to admit it.  But I will learn turkey.  I have a depth perception problem with birds flying.  There’s a reason why she got kicked off her keg league soft ball team.

THAT’S THE FACT JACK!


STICK TO CARLTON BRAND ELK ESTROUS.  THIS STUFF SUCKS


As for trout fishing in West Virginia, please ignore the swearing;
FUCK MONTANA
FUCK COLORADO
FUCK EASTERN WASHINGTON AND OREGON

In West Virginia they actually stock the rivers in the Appalachians.  They stock them religiously with browns, rainbows and brooks and even golden trout that are a weird hatchery strain from breeding rainbows.  Trout were everywhere, and no one was fishing and what makes the trout devine was the fact that they were raised and lived in rivers with a current.  What does that mean Miss Angie?  You all ask.

Unlike Montana where people have to catch and release because the fish are in nasty rivers that ran thru gold mines and other shit mines, the trout are so filled with mercury that the posters at the boat launches said that you shouldn’t eat more than three a year.  EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

No wonder the Montana Guides looked at me like I was nuts when I wanted to eat one.  They said I should catch and release.  What they failed to mention was that if I ate Montana trout I would get “Mad Hatters Disease”.  What is “Mad Hatters Disease”?  Really?  You numb nuts?  Remember all them beaver hats back in the 1800s?  They cured them with mercury which makes you go mad because it absorbs through the skin and attacks your brain and nervous system.  Did you like the history lesson from Miss Angie?

THAT’S A FACT JACK!

Well, it’s Bob’s turn to visit out here but nahhhhhhhhhhhh  I love West Virginia and the Old South.  The East Coast is way more fun than the West Coast.  The West Coast has a stick up there ass and no character.  And that’s a sad sad thing.

Well gang, I’m out of here!  Gotta get ready for a month of hunting!  Jealous much?  

IT’S PERSONAL
I think all day-care providers and pre-school teachers should be drug tested.  If you think your provider smells like alcohol.  Then you’re probably right.



YOU CAN HUNT HERE TOO! JUST GIVE ME A CALL 425-478-6683

HAPPY HUNTING EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

SPRING 2012


BE WARNED I DIDN'T MAKE THE PICTURES SMALLER SO WAIT FOR THEM TO DOWNLOAD

SPRING 2012

WARNING:  This blog is not for the weak and faint of heart.  If you can’t handle the truth take your wimpy little finger because only wimps can’t handle the truth and click click away.  Statements made in this blog are my opinion, truth, or hearsay.  Only you can decide, but if you’ve been reading me for years you know I’m not full of shit, can’t possibly make this shit up and really don’t give a shit what you think.  I’m a fishing and hunting female guide with very strong opinions and if you don’t like it I don’t really give a shit.  Oh, and when I use the term “gay” I’m not referring to them studs with a lifestyle even I envy, I’m referring to men with giant egos and too small of a penis, where no matter how much they post on the internet and sell out, I’m sorry to say…  Your penis will never ever match your ego.

DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL…

Before I begin, I would just like to thank the British Journalist, what’s her name, for stating something attractive hot bodied women have been dealing with for years.  And I’m going there, oh yes I ucking am.  Since being a fishing guide for the last 12 years the following has been said about me and continues to be said about me.

I can’t fish and I can’t guide.  Really?  Picture after picture of my clients, friends and family catching fish all the goddamn time with me pulling plugs behind the oars the whole time and hunting clients that never ever got an animal or even seen one up close was due to me.

I can’t row.  All my friends are like “What the fuck?”  Then how the hell do I get down the river?  Why do I own a drift boat?  I’m going to tell a little story.  My gal pal the lovely Stacey and I rowed down a river that will remain nameless and hooked and lost five summer runs.  She’s a newbie, and when we got to the boat launch I told her not to talk to anyone because some times it would turn out bad.  Some old man came up to us and demanded to know what we caught and asked us what we were using but what really pissed us off as we loaded up MY DRIFTBOAT was that the old man kept asking us where our husband was.  Stacey couldn’t take it anymore and lost it.

“Dude do you see a goddamn guy anywhere?  Didn’t you watch us pull up in this boat and did you see anyone with a penis in this boat?  And why the fuck do we have to have a man in the goddamn boat to fish in the first place, you asshole?”

And the old fucker just stood there with his mouth agape as she got into her monster Dodge Diesel and I got into my brand new Ford and we drove off.  No man in sight except for the asshole.  Of course our rigs were wayyyyy nicer than his.  BURN

But the best part of the whole deal about me being an attractive guide is because I’m attractive, I actually uck everyone.  Yup, I said it.  I uck anyone I fish, hunt, and guide with.  Yes, because us attractive women because we are attractive have our legs spread open 24X7.  We’re not allowed near your husbands, we can’t fish and hunt with guy friends because we can’t resist any man.

Are you kidding me?  I don’t know how these perverted freaks think but I hate to say it…

Because women are attractive and not ugly and insecure…  here’s a newsflash…  we don’t want to do some old icky dude that is your husband or boyfriend that stares at our nice breasts, legs and ass.  Just because you are ugly fat trolls that don’t take care of yourselves and ignore the fashion magazines at the check out counter, how dare you insult us that we want your equally non-attractive partner?  And you perverts out there that don’t think hot chicks can’t cut it.  Go beat off and stare at your ugly wives.

I remember my sister had some perverted freak of a boyfriend who use to beat her occasionally, he was such a freak that he thought that if a woman even smiled at him, she wanted him.  Really?  That is soooooo gross and nasty.  Maybe she smiled at you because she was being nice.  It is obvious that you were such a dork and a freak at school that you didn’t even have a gal pal or a wing girl.  Smart secure guys realized that if they had a lot of girl friends their hook up ratio increased because we always set you up with our hot friends and coached you on how to have “great game”.

Oh, and BTW guys that have an issue with me are usually on the short side and have itsy bitsy male genitalia.

As for you Forks guides that made fun of me rowing backwards.  I have to.  I can’t row forward fast because I have these things called….  B-R-E-A-S-T-S.   Obviously they’ve never held anything bigger than a mouthful or could find them in their wives or girlfriend’s rolls of flesh so they can’t imagine how they would possibly get in the way.

Oh let’s have a rant shall we!!!!



Here's long time  client and dearest friend West Virginia Bob.  He can't row a boat, he has no idea how to catch NW steelhead or kings and can't wait to go elk hunting with me.  BTW this was the best tasting wild steelhead that I have ever ever eaten with farm fresh eggs.


IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD SPRING 2012 has been a very eventful and uneventful spring.  Since I’ve pretty much been sick for most of it, I could bore the shit out of you but we’ve had some “high” lights.  I did get a fabulous kitchen remodel after five years of waiting patiently with a wall half removed and live wires dangling everywhere like a bad movie scene from “Saw”.  I can’t even explain the embarrassment as I would shrug off my girlfriends all commenting the same thing…

“Isn’t that kind of dangerous?”  My return answer always being “Ya think?”

And the more I politely requested my husband to finish the wall he would do the exact opposite.  Even when he would come home from the neighbor’s drunk off his ass he’d never fall for the… 

“Hey honey, stick this cooper wire to your tongue and let’s really see if it’s live or not.”

Since trying to kill him didn’t work (I’d figure the insurance money would pay for a kitchen remodel and I didn’t really care if I didn’t have an income anymore.  It isn’t like with my background as one of the most passionate and best female fishing and hunting guides out there.  It’s not like I couldn’t find a younger, richer and hotter replacement.  See “Stud Alaskan Fisherman.”  You can all learn from his perfection.  Yes, look closely my brethren, if you think you’re hot after looking at that picture you’re probably not.

So my daily threats of replacement fell on death ears because my husband firmly believes that no one could put up with my weird lifestyle and shit.  Like he has so much to put up with.


Wow, my husband knows how to do this but he rather spend his weekends watching UFC fights and browsing the internet.  Hey sweety, we had a thunder storm with a flash flood and because your lazy ass can't clean out a ditch (I can't use a chain saw or back hoe) you have 10 times the amount of work fixing our washed at road.  Can't wait till you get back from your business trip.

My hours and hours dedicated to scouting and finding, figuring out and executing monster elk or trying to with “Buck Fever Clients”.

My hours and hours of dedication to working out and keeping my fine ass body fine.

My hours and hours of dedication to fishing, again scouting, fishing and figuring out the best days for him to sit on his fat ass in the front of my boat as I row and he brings in fish after fish.  The only effort put into our trips is his arm hurting reeling them in and his ears burning if he had issues with my loud and articulate instructions on netting the damn things.  Oh and let’s not forget the financial drain on his bank account to pay me back.

Or my hours of taking game and fish and preparing lavish meals that only a gourmet cook such as myself can serve.  Bobby Flay or Mario Batali can learn from me.

Or my slave labor dedicated to running the farm I made him buy.  If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t live in Paradise with the constant excitement of killing something cool every day.  He’s killed so many animals since I made him move to the farm that his bragging rights to his friends are not to be sneezed at…

12 raccoons raiding

11 coyotes fighting

10 pheasants escaping

9 wood ducks flying

8 deer just grazing

7 kitties trying to eat us

6 bears eating garbage

5 MONSTER ELK…

Imagine the 12 days of Christmas…

Here I am again... rowing my drift boat and here again some one else gets to play the fish I find.  We would of put this native hen back but she was dead when she hit the barbless plug.  She tasted like shit.


So is he really worried about the tons of marriage offers I constantly get?  Only problem is that because of my dedication to hunting and fishing, I don’t have time to work and I refuse to work.  Why should I?  It would just cut into the above.  So does he have that much to put up with, really?  If I was put back into the workforce the only talent I have since I haven’t worked for years, is getting rednecks drunk off their asses.  Which is part of my guide business.  LOL  A shot for a fish…  hmmmmm that’s a lot of fish.  I usually stock my drift boat with Crown Royal and Jack Daniels.  I threw the case of Jameson overboard.  Jameson causes a really really “debilitating hangover” and pass outs on the boat where I have to tie my clients with 25 pound test Maxima to their seats.  On a rainy day you can drown in a driftboat.

After five years of waiting, I now have the most gorgeous kitchen ever.  I hired my girlfriend’s two brothers that pretty much lived in my house and did an awesome job.  It was nice not to have a bunch of filthy, smelly, clog up your toilet, non-speaking losers found at the Home Depot Parking Lot, like my last remodel where I fired the contractor.  Who still to this day was on KOMO News for taking unsuspecting clients deposits and not doing the work.    The clients got lucky just getting ripped off.

I call them “Two White English Speaking Guys Contracting”.  Is that racist?  I don’t believe so.  Do you as a husband and family protector want your wife and kids having a month long remodel and you don’t even know if the workers don’t have fresh barb wire marks down their backs from their recent border crossing.

And what kind of people illegally cross the borders?  Are they drug dealing Canadians or Mexican illegal immigrants fleeing the country because they’re wanted for something.  You know like kidnapping, murder, drug dealing…  and if they are wanted on such horrendous charges wouldn’t Washington State be the last place to look for them?  Don’t believe me?  Go to Forks and see who’s raping the fauna and foliage of the Olympic Peninsula’s Rain Forests.  Note there isn’t one bar left in Forks to go hang after a tough day of fishing.


This picture is what I call the fisherman that if I did meet him on the river we'd have sex on top of that monster king.  He's hot and all you losers out there should worship him like I do.

Could that be because the loggers get in fights with such illegal immigrants?  So am I really being racist?

Yeah, if racism is complaining about illegal immigrants that don’t speak English and commited henous crimes in their own countries that they have to escape to ours.  I know let’s give em a chance!!!!!

Instead of working illegally in restaurants, let’s have them work in our elementary and middle school kitchens with the “Lunch Lady”!!!!!  How is Adam Sandler going to write that lyric into his popular “Lunch Lady Song”?

Or let’s let them work landscaping and do maintenance for our counties and cities.  Since we don’t have a clue on their backgrounds I’m sure if they landscaped and maintained youth centers and elementarys, there can’t possibly be a sex offender among them.

I mean if you’re fleeing a country because you’re a criminal, I think the United States is the perfect place for a second chance.  They deserve it.  Screw all them educated Eurotrash that can come over and help our gene pool and work pool.  They have to wait years and years and years for a Green Card.

But this isn’t about Bush and his “Berlin Wall”…  We’re gonna actually talk about fishing.  My ranting about having illegal immigrants working in your home while daddy is away at work with unsuspecting wife and kids is kind of a warning to husbands and dads that want to save a buck.  When I did my first kitchen remodel and noted what a shitty job they were doing  I waved a level and a square at them which they refused to use.   I thought about grabbing the kitchen knife as they glared at me with such intense hatred, I fired them on the spot, went back into my bedroom and loaded a shot gun in case they wouldn’t leave.  What was worse was that they couldn’t leave because their car broke down in my driveway.  That was a super fun situation for my two year old daughter and I.

Yes husbands, save a buck and then get fucked.  Excuse the language.


Things went bad to worse when my buddy "Carter the Curse" arrived, I got sicker than a dog, the beach him and Orvis Boy went clam diggin on sucked, his gal pal's shot gun didn't work because for some reason she took it apart and put it back together (why would anyone do that) and then he didn't watch me leave the bar and turned around at Bob Ball's put in where this fall I saw three of his clients do the same thing.  Glad you got your rod back from the "Siren of Reiter Pond"


ANGIE 2012 SPRING IN FORKS

Well it started off fabulously.  West Virginia Bob met us at one of the cute and quaint Olson’s Cabins.  We immediately went to the only bar open in Forks the Mill Creek Bar and Grill and got hammered.  WV Bob and my husband Orvis Boy wanted to see Miss Angie reek some havoc for their personal entertainment and after going out side to smoke a “fag” I didn’t disappoint when I noticed four trucks from Montana and put the trucks together with the very depressed and worn out gentlemen that had just walked in.

I would find later on that week why they looked like they were about to commit suicide. 

Here’s a tip for all you trout fly fishing guides out there.  Fishing for steelhead fly fishing is completely different than fishing for trout.  Just when I thought that fly fishing guides couldn’t get any more stupid…

Imagine fishing in your drift boat and a pathetic raft with one client in front and one client in back casting five feet with the lightest trout rod, a giant plastic bobber on the line and a tiny little nymph.  The clients not being able to cast made the guides have to row on top of where they thought the fish to be.

Then imagine, horrified, when they all cheer as they catch tiny smolt after tiny smolt with said bobber and nymph.  I asked the boys in my boat if I should tell them they were doing it wrong but was sternly told that if they don’t catch anything then we don’t have to worry about them coming back.


I could of put more ivories on it but my lazy ass husband didn't notice the dog eat them on the side of the hot tub as I went in to make him another drink.

Unlesss…  targeting and catching smolts is a fly fisherman’s dream?

Then after thinking about it, I got super pissed.  Here are us Washington fishing guides harassed and made to protect the smolts at all costs by using single barbless hooks, no scent, no bait…  least we catch and injure a smolt.  But the stupid guides from Montana get to come out here and not only catch the smolts with their tiny trout nymphs but the way they were fishing they were actually targeting them.

But it is fly fishing right?  They can’t possibly hurt the fish, right?

WRONG

And if any of these idiots ever read my blog, there is no excuse for what you’re doing not only to the fish but to your clients.  There’s a reason Jack Hemingway, Henry Lemire and the famous spey fishing posse of the Northwest developed 14 to 15 foot heavy spey rods, with heavy sink tips, and heavy weighted flies.  No matter how many fly fishers think that the steelhead will rise up to the fly, it rarely happens you have to go deep and stay far away from the steelhead.  Because a five pound plus steelhead is trying to hide from predators and in no way is he feeding.

Steelhead are like guys.  They’re horny as hell and are trying to get laid without buying his booty call bitches dinner whenever possible.


I think Russia has scarier rednecks than we do.

So if you book an out of state guide to go fly fishing think about it;  that would be like doing the following;

Hiring a rocky mountain elk guide and him getting you a Roosevelt elk.  He doesn’t know the terrain and most importantly he doesn’t know their habits.  Rockies and Roosies are completely different animals.

Hiring a prostitute that’s a virgin.

Hiring a contractor that doesn’t speak English

Hiring a game warden as a security guard.  Remember in a game warden’s eye, everyone is guilty so I’m envisioning a blood bath as they shoot the poor gang members spray painting the side of a building.

Hiring Boeing to build anything.  That’s what I said.  Hey, World out there!  All of Boeing’s capable builders and designers have retired.  You are now left with shit builders and shit planes.  787?  Ha ha ha ha

Hiring the voices of “Call of the Wild” or  “Online Fishing” to teach you how to fish or hunt.  Hate to tell you this boyz the only thing you can teach the Outdoor Sportsman is how to shop.  And they’re just as bad of shoppers as “Housewives of Beverly Hills”.  Stick to Cabelas.





Cork art.  Yes, I drink a lot of wine.  This is the size of a state record coho I caught on the Skagit.  I really need to turn my records in.  26 pounds.

Speaking of “Call of the Wild” or “Online Fishing”, I actually got up early to go fishing and listened to their one hour infomercial and I got super duper pissed.  I’ve noticed thru the years that I don’t see many boys fishing.  Actually, I now never ever see any boys or teenagers fishing and I blame them.

Just imagine you are twelve and a product of a single mom.  You have the fishing gene and are dying to learn how to fish, you read anything you can get your hands on and you listen to the radio.  And you throw up your hands in despair because mommy and dead beat dad can’t buy you all the things you need and fishing is too expensive.  It is a rich man’s sport.



Remember when I mentioned that one should never ever take pictures like this unless you are five?  This is the famous radio guy that I hope you're doing the opposite of everything he says.  He got second in some "Win Your Own Outdoor Show" they've been begging for me to be on it but...  that's an insult since I demand that I be a goddamn JUDGE.


SO LET’S GIVE A BIG THANK YOU TO DUANE INGLIN (Wow you got second in the “Host Your Own Show competition” they beg me every year to be on it and I tell them to kiss my ass unless I can be a judge.  Plus do you really think you’re hot enough or cool enough to be interesting?), TOM NELSON (NICE SAME OLD SAME OLD REUSED PICTURES DUDE HOW DO YOU CLIMB A LADDER?), JOEL SHANGLE (THE BIGGEST WHORE MONGER OF ALL) AND I’D NAME THE OTHER GUYS BUT I LIKE THEM AND THEY AREN’T THAT MUCH OF A SELL OUT.

REMEMBER YOU FISHING PRODUCT SELLOUTS…  Why do you do it?  It’s not like it made you famous or rich and you never will be.  Your infomercials are so boring that most of us sportsman can only handle about five minutes of it and anything you endorse we buy the opposite.  And BTW wherever I go, I’m recognized, have tv offers and am loved or hated by one and all.  You just melt into the wood work as another beer bellied dude with a bad Jay Buhner goatee.


Yeah know some thing.  do you really really want to watch these guys on TV?  Maybe the cute guy that looks like he has all his own hair on the right.  They look so serious catching tiny miniscule trout.

WHY AM I MAKING FUN OF BAD RADIO?  WHEN I HEARD THE BIGGEST WHOREMONGER ON THERE STATE…  “I’M NOT AGAINST INDIAN NETTING”  SELL OUT AND DID IT HURT WHEN YOU BENT OVER?

Put it this way, when I wake up with a bad Friday hangover, I turn the show on and it gently lulls me  back to sleep and imprints into my brain what not to fish with and where.  And I love how you copy everything I do.  BORING…  Procure Borax powder?  Really?  Notice the fully stocked shelves with not a space to be had.  Ma ha ha ha  The store owners will be dumping the shit to kill their weeds.

PLEASE PLEASE  DON’T EVEN TRY TO COOK YOUR RECIPES MAKE ME VOMIT…

But they’re not that bad.  Remember the really cool show that use to be “Hawg Quest”?  Where it was awesome as you watched them get wasted and caught fish.  The old crew is gone and now we’re left with some silver haired asshole rowing a drift boat that looks like an over done NASCAR.  Even NASCAR isn’t that much of a whore.


Now this guy I want to watch on TV.  I think he's totally hot.  Duck Dynasty ROCKS!!!!

EGG CURES

QUIT WITH THE GODDAMN CHEMICAL SHIT…  I went fishing at a famous hatchery hole that I swore I’d never ever go back to and I went and I had a goddamn blast.  Gone were the snagging trolls with the ugly sticks, stinky waders and assholes.  In its place were gorgeous trucks, dudes in Simms Waders and Frog Toggs, and all were toting $600 12 and a half foot noodle rods.

What I also noticed, that the beautiful waders were stained with bright purple eggs, giant eggs were constantly put on the hook, and every time the decked out fishermen casted the eggs, the eggs lasted like two drifts.  So what is the point of all the chemicals, stain and mess when you get like two casts from these highly toxic eggs?

What I did notice and I got a ton of bites (but I didn’t wait long enough to let the springers swallow the hook, now that’s a hook up!) that my eggs lasted forever, looked natural and milked wayyyyyy better than the toxic procure crap.  Plus how much fishing are you really doing when you try to wack them out there and they fly off the hook?

NOW I’M GOING TO STATE THIS ONE MORE TIME…  My egg cure page has over 20 million hits and I get email from my followers on how awesome my egg cure worked.  It’s not about soaking them in nastiness and then drying them out, it is about drying them out before you add all the tasty goodness to them.



Moose hunters...  I love this.

I butterfly the eggs, get all the blood off of them, and dry the shit out of them with borax.  They get a wonderful leather like texture with awesome goeyiness inside.  They last forever and are the actual color of the egg.  Fuck pink, orange, purple and fuschia.  I’ve out fished the best with my eggs….  Steve Hansen and his 12 jars of special eggs.  Yup, him and all my friends bow down to my eggs.  And even my egg cure with humpy eggs has beaten them all.

I then keep them in the fridge and they last over three years.  I bet that procure shit turns to nuclear liquid in a month.

Go to www.thefishingoddess/eggcure in google.


See the cute chocolate labs?  We're having puppies.  Hey Sick Mike, if you want to kiss and make up I miss Andrea and I'll give you a puppy.  Puppies going for $600 both dogs have awesome lineage.

WARNING THE HEADs OF THE WDFW ARE BRIBED POWER JUNKY ASSHOLES

Be forewarned my fellow hunters and fishermen.  The old timers at the WDFW are all retiring and who’s replacing them?

Dumbfucks

When putting my complaints in to the Region Six head fishery biologist, some geeky nerd from Southern Cally named Kurt Hughes, I was emailing with a total moron.

When complaining about the once vast chum run on the Skagit, he had the gall to inform me that it was from natural causes.  Naturally, as chum eggs go for six dollars a pound to the Japanese to be presented on a pad of rice wrap with seaweed.  The once healthy run of 200,000 to 500,000 fish was over netted within four years and are now endangered.

Chum, I loved chum.  I teach beginner fly fishers how to fly fish on chum and because of some politically correct asshole who refuses to see the nasty tribes of the Lumni and Nooksack netting.  These tribes made the Nooksack River a barren wasteland.  HOW FUCKIN HARD IS IT TO NOT GO TO THE GODDAMN RIVER AND WATCH THE DEPRAVED TRIBESMEN WITH JETSLED AND PURSE SEIN NETS NETTING SPAWNING FLATS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND TRY TO BLAME IT ON NATURAL CAUSES?

Am I missing something?  Am I on drugs?  I guess I’m the only one that rows down the river or fishes from the bank that see cranked out meth headed, blonde blue eyed American Indians running up and down the river throwing nets on spawning fish.  I guess I’m so mentally ill that I am just imagining the nets strewn across the mouth of the rivers.  Yup, the fish aren’t coming back because of natural causes and the “Harbingers of Nature” are naturally netting them.  Yup, I’m in a make believe world of “Angie”, I’m the only one that notices that over netting by the tribes of Washington State equals endangered runs of fish and Kurt Hughes and the other idiots running the WDFW throw money at the problem by improving habitat.  It doesn’t matter how much you improve habitat…


Looks like these two future hunters won't be able to hunt their own lands.  Thanks Dave Ware... They have to go to Eastern Washington and hunt with a bunch of assholes.  The snow chick is Pauly D BTW.

IF THE GODDAMN FISH CAN’T GET THERE TO SPAWN.

But there is a method to the nastiness of native netting.  They are purposely destroying the runs of the rivers so they can sue the shit out of Washington State for mismanagement of the rivers.  Don’t believe me?  They’re already doing it.

NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT DAVE WARE THE HEAD OF HUNTING IN WASHINGTON STATE

He’s being paid off by the Native Americans and Hancock Timber Company.  Is that really my opinion?

Let me describe Dave Ware the future of hunting for Washington State and I as a fortune teller , I’m going to tell you that Dave Ware is selling Western Washington public hunting lands to them.  Yup, and I also know for a fact that everyone on the hunting advisory board are archery hunters and we all know how archery hunters want everyone to hunt like them.  Kind of like them asshole fly fishers.

Sorry folks that live and hunt along HWY 18 you can’t hunt it anymore.  No modern firearms.  Ha ha ha…

Snoqualmie you’re next. 

Dave Ware and his ferry band of archers are going to make it impossible to hunt anywhere in Western Washington State and they are going to sell all your hunting land to the timber companies and Native Americans.

And what can you do about it?  I gathered 700 registered hunter’s signatures, went to meetings, got the high school involved.  I did the most organized coo to save elk hunting in Buckley where we shouldn’t have been ignored.


My daughter got the lead in the school musical.  She's decided she wants to become an actress.  So we're going for it!!!!!


I'm working on her portfolio...  I put the sporty look on the site.  At least she has teeth unlike the Toddlers and Tiaras where they wear flippers and so should some of the moms.

But Hancock and the Muckleshoot bribing the short (almost dwarf like), beady eyed Dave Ware with the insane Game Warden Department backing him (see previous rants) took away most of Buckley’s hunting; leaving us to hunt in the City Limits where you can’t discharge a firearm.

If you think you’re safe think again.  If you have a bunch of assholes from Cally coming to work for the WDFW and a bunch of new age archery guys taking over…

And what about the poor 12 year old that can’t hunt on his own property? And how are these future sportsmen going to pay over 350 dollars to walk down a logging road right down the street to hunt for grouse and deer?  Who mostly gets fucked in the end by Dave Ware and Kurt Hughes are the “FUTURE SPORTSMEN OF WASHINGTON STATE”.

THANKS RADIO GUYS FOR FIGHTING FOR THEM!  BECAUSE HEY NOW THEY WON’T IN THE FUTURE BE ABLE TO BUY YOUR OVER PRICED WORTHLESS SHIT BECAUSE THEY’LL HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO FISH AND HUNT.

POOR POOR FUTURE SPORTSMEN OF WASHINGTON STATE

I bet you my Ford F150 that Dave Ware doesn’t have any children.  Because how can a father do that to children.  You are a power hungry, tiny and pathetic man.  Kind of like my old neighbor.


Imagine 40 acres of farm like this.  2012 Ice Storm should take five years to clean up.



This bitch that hangs out at Reiter Pond try to steal my buddy's rod and reel.  She told on me to Facebook when I kindly asked her to give it back.  So I can't hook my blog up to it.  You think if she read my web site...

HAPPY SUMMER EVERYONE!!!!!

MERRY XMAS 2011



Remember my old rant picture with the warning:  If you don't like what I write, if you don't have a sickass sense of humor, and you don't like outspoken Indian/Italian outdoor chicks...  then get the hell off of my site...  or read on if you dare.  And everyone remember;  I CAN'T POSSIBLY MAKE THIS SHIT UP!

MERRY HOH HOH HOH CHRISTMAS 2011

Good news for all of you that constantly want me to take them steelhead fishing on the Olympic Peninsula.  Yup, I’ll be doing it for about a month and within the last week of contacting clients, probably two months.  I don’t know why you insist on it but after guiding for elk for a month out there.  I miss the shit out of it.  So book now I already got two weeks booked.  Oh, and after my clients got about 7 shots at trophy elk (hey, it’s their first time) I could of shot them…  I’m already booked for 4 days of archery, 3 days of muzzle loader (not opening day where we would of slayed them if my client didn’t have to take a shit.  Don’t ask.  LOL)

I did the most evilest thing ever out hunting in Forks and who says I don’t always have my client in mind.   Jim Mansfield was even impressed.  I was out to the local bar for my birthday and talking to a bunch of elk guides.  Well, they tried to get me drunk, but I tossed it on the floor.  As they got drunker and drunker, they kept asking me where all the bulls I was bragging about that I have found were.  Looks like the Oly Pen guides are not only lazy in fishing but lazy asses that don’t even scout for their elk clients.  So I told them some roads above where I was hunting and the dumb fucks as I drove to my spot, were in position and pushed the herd right down to me.  Who says I’m not completely scientific?  And who says I’m not the “most interesting woman in the world”  you know like the beer commercial?



Biggest king caught on the Olympic Peninsula this season and probably a state record.  What is the third time I did this???  Should of taken the picture right after we caught it.  Darn.

So Hiddy Hoh my sportsmen and women out there.  This blog will be like the new book I’m currently working on… a collection of short stories.  Because how can I even tell some of the best hunting and fishing stories EVER!!!!!

WHO IS THE BIGGEST DUMBASS IN ALL OF THE OUTDOOR WORLD? 

You be the judge.  It is an all out tie right now between BOOBY BALLESS OR BOB BALL OF PISCATORIAL PURSUITS, JUSTIN MASCHOFF GAME WARDEN STALKER OF THE LOVELY MISS ANGIE OR

DAVE WARE “BEWARE” HEAD OF THE GAME MANAGEMENT ADVISORY BOARD OF WASHINGTON STATE THAT IS STILL GIVING ME THE RUN AROUND ABOUT DISABLED/VETERAN HUNTERS…  THAT I  NOW HAVE ASKED COUNTLESS TIMES TO SET ME UP WITH SOME THING FOR THEM.  (He finally gave in as I mentioned that if he would of let me be on the board, I would be totally professional.  Make me have to blog about your ass…  I just have to get “All Angie on your ass!”   I much rather email you professionally than blog and make fun of your ass.  What makes me expend more energy?  Complaining or talking politics that I’ve already researched?

These tales won’t just make your hair stand up on the back of your neck at the stupidity, the audacity and the total lack of accountability… that  these persons have.  It will make you scream like the Twilighters did when “Bella died in child birth”.    Speaking about being subjected to the Twilight shit in Forks, I have a suggestion for another movie.


Wayyyyyyy hotter than the flat chested bella...  good movie too.  Kind of campy...

Can we do a series of movies on “Little Red Riding Hood”?  Much hotter chick, Amanda Siegfried, Bella looks like a retarded brooding werewolf puppy compared to the lovely Blonde hair blue eyed beauty that is Amanda., but we need “Team Jacob” from Twilight to be her werewolf lover.  For some reason, they used bad “Team Edward” look a likes for the film.  Trust me, director of the movie.  No one would care if “Red Riding Hood II” recasted the part with “Team Jacob”.

For those of you that have never watched or refused to watch the EPIC Twilight Series…  I’ll explain it to you simply;  you have some emu depressed chick being fought over by some skinny, pasty, pretty boy that is way prettier than she is (how can they possibly be soul mates? ) vampire,  and a hot perfectly built stud that likes to kill vampires, as the werewolf.  Don’t believe me go to Three River’s Campground and witness for your very selves the vampire/werewolf treaty boundry line.

I’m thinking about slitting my wrists and standing on the wrong side of it, in hopes that a blood thirsty vampire will cross it and I get to witness firsthand the werewolves tearing the vampire too pieces as they try to save me.

And if this whole “Twilight Forks Thing” were true,  I’d really really do it and invite all my friends to watch the carnage.   I’d also have a silver and wooden stake in my purse.  So if they attack me I just have to stab them with whatever kills them…  Sooo not a big deal.  I watched every “Buffy The Vampire Slayer Episodes”.  I got my Buffy moods down, people.

I don't care if this is a photo shopped wolf picture it gives me a hard on to kill one.

HOW REALLY REALLY STUPID IS BOB BALL FROM PISCATORIAL PURSUITS?

The reason why I’m using his real name and his web site is due to the fact that this really happened and Bob Ball with two clients in toe or would that be hoove, put his life in jeopardy and that of the scare  out shitless couple in the front of his boat.  How’d he do dat?  You have to read on to believe it.

 Yup, and just when you thought no one could be that stupid…  before we go on, let’s see who’s stupider besides Justin Maschoff (my stalker game warden, did I mention he  surveillanced me above my bedroom window with sheer curtains adorning them.  On and off all of last year)  I guess I must poach naked from my bedroom every window  night for him to do think that.  Why else would you post up above my bedroom window…  That’s a statement not a question.

OH NO ANGIE JUST LOST FOCUS…  Come on we want to hear about Booby.  Sorry, boys we have to talk about my stalker game warden dude first.  You wish you all had some chick doing this to you.  That would be cool for a guy but for a chick that can “get” with anyone she wants?  I don’t want some guy I think is a dweeb watching me.  Actually, I’d rather have a chick watch me and that’s what they should of done.

Derek "Sasquatch Hunter Fame" deer camp.  Guess who's guiding him on a
sasquatch hunt?

I’m going to portray my game warden stalker Justin Maschoff’s fantasy as he jacks off.  Because really what else could he be doing up there night after night as he watches me sleeping naked?  Here’s a play by play…  this is going to get a little sexual and x rated now.

“Oh yeah, I know she’s going to wake up.  Oh yeah baby, an elk is going to cross her driveway any minute and with Angie’s super poaching powers, she is going to automatically wake up and open her bedroom window,  Oh yeah… she’s going to open that bedroom window up and oh yeah… (Heavy Heavy breathing) her breasts in the moonlight glistening with the barrel of that gun she keeps by the window… and oh yeah, oh yeah, oh Angie….  Shoot it, pleeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeeeeee!!!!!”  I ain’t explaining the rest.  Don’t most of you do this in the shower every morning before you go to work?

That was an awesome “Angie Moment Aside”.  YUCK…  I bet he probably whistled for one of my dogs afterwards to wipe off his hands.  Really dude?  My dogs never disappear behind my house unless they’re chasing game wardens or elk, or bear, or cougar, or coons.  Justin just proved how much dogs do like peanut butter and like to lick.  Consistency like peanut butter?  That’s a long long time between, I can’t even go there.  I do have limits to my sickness.


Check out this breast glistening.. that's because it is perfectly cooked, dudes.


Like I tolds you Captain Brinson and Chief Sunhi.  DON’T YOU FIND THAT FRICKIN HELLA CREEPY???

And my perfect 36 Cs do glisten in the moonlight.  Visualize, Elizabeth Hurley’s breast glistening in the moonlight in that movie she did on a sailboat with Shaun What’s his name, you know “Fast Times at Ridgemount High” fame.  I took the picture into my plastic surgeon.  Orvis Boy thinks Elizabeth Hurley’s body is perfection.  Hey, if you don’t like her… he paid for it so he gets whatever he wants.  Just giving you a visual.  Hey, if Justin Maschoff ruined his career over them, you might want to envision why.  Aren’t guys all about being visual?

WHERE WERE WE?

HOW STUPID IS BOB BALL?

Stupider than a farmer that works on his tractor’s transmission as it is still running…  Died

Stupider than a tiger keeper that runs out of money and tries to feed her tigers road kill…  Died

Stupider than a Mt. Everest climbing guide taking out of shape people to the top and then decides to try to save them?  Died.

Stupider than a guy that runs across the West Seattle Bridge in rush hour and got hit by a truck, didn’t die but is going to make some money… as the Seattle Police Department made fun of him on their desk cameras.  The poor jogger was just doing what the mayor of Seattle wanted.  Maybe, once in a while Bob might get lucky, like he did that day.  He sure hasn’t since he married Cowee.

Yup, I put them up all over my property to find out just when and where my stalker game warden was trespassing.  After knifing this off and trying to tear down the (METAL SIGNS PUT IN WITH A DRILL)  he figured out that he was being set up.  I even put dates on the stickers.  Ma ha ha ha...  someone obviously has anger management issues.  How do I know he was above my bedroom window?  Hoofprints and night vision goggle parts.

Here’s the story…  so the day before, I had caught a 70 pound king and broke the state record.  That would be my third time people…  Remember I use to fish the Skagit.  Notice my trying to get it on the books.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  I’m not a fame seeker.  All I have to do is show it at the boat launch and the whole state knows about it.

The next day we go fishing with an evening hunt in mind.  I had heard an elk at this particular place on the river a couple days before, so Miss Angie’s drift boat was toting some heavy heavy artillery.

So first thing in the morning, I go to my elk spot.  And all of sudden, some young twenty year old indian comes drifting by as the elk were coming out to the bank.  And it all made sense as to why all them trees that were chained saw and blocking the corner of the river trying to stop us guides from fishing.  The day before there were no trees that were chain sawed blocking the river.  Especially around a hair pin corner.

Being kind of nice.  I told him to get the fuck out of here, because we’re hunting…

He responded with the best line ever…  “This is my river.”

My client Keith and I immediately started laughing since he’s ¼ Cherokee and I’m 1/4th Mitese…

“Really, you racist pig.  This is also my river I’m indian and so is my buddy.  So that makes it “our river” because we out number you right now.  The idiot did not notice the three rifles in the boat.  “Hey, notice we’re hunting and have guns in the boat?”  The light bulb so went on over his head.  I also mentioned…   It wasn’t a threat it was a statement.

That's my herd.  and I poached everyone of them and their gut piles are all over the place.  It looks like a scene in War Horse...  It's amazing what a full metal jacketed .223 round will do when fired from multiple AR 15s...  the animals bleed perfusely with 15 holes a piece in them.  I'll watch CSI and learn how to take blood samples off of grass.  But you must believe everything on the internet.  

“If you ever cut down logs to try to stop driftboats from going down the river and endangering lives, I’ll so go to the Federal authorities and turn you in for endangering lives.  I’ll just tell them that you said you could do what you want, because it’s your river and BTW you ain’t on your reservation, bitch.”

He rowed away super duper fast.  I wonder why?  And BTW if you notice Native Americans endangering your lives in this manner, you too can call the Federal Authorities.  Just because they are ethnic, doesn’t mean they can try to murder you.  Just because they are a minority doesn’t mean they can do reverse ethnic cleansing.

So figuring the trip was a bust, we caught a few fish.  Before we left I decided to for shits and giggles….   Do an elk call.  I didn’t have to but I figured what the heck.  Immediately like 40 yards upstream exactly above the boat I heard the big bull.  We immediately snuck out of the boat armed and dangerous.

  I thought to myself that the “retard that is Bob Ball” who was behind us and I couldn’t see him and hadn’t seen him for hours, wouldn’t be stupid enough if he saw us go into the woods “armed and dangerous” be possibly so stupid to even row down where we were at.  I know I wouldn’t even think about it.  And if he would have done this to my handicap hunter guys, who tried the same hunt before.  All the guides in Forks would of done whatever they like to do to Booby when he pisses all of us off. 

AND EVERY HANDICAP GUIDE WOULD HAVE DESCENDED UPON FORKS LIKE THE LOCUST IN THE BIBLE AND SEEK HIM OUT AND MAKE HIM FIND GOD.  HEY, IF BOB IS SO COOL TO ALL THESE CATCH AND RELEASE NAZIS… WHY DOESN’T HE TAKE DISABLED VETS AND HANDICAPPED GUYS FOR FREE LIKE I DO?  I’M NOT SURE HE’S A CHRISTIAN BUT I THINK HE PLAYS ONE ON TV. 


So Keith who couldn’t smell the elk or hear where it was I sent downstream in case it ran out that way.  I took his son and as we snuck up to the monster bull, his gun jammed.  I was ready to shoot and the bull was so horny (as in a six by six) with a full hard on (jesus Christ that elk scent really works) he didn’t have a clue and as I raised rifle, to shoot it, when all of a sudden the beast started to run.  I shot and missed and shot again but when I did Jesse and I heard a metallic ping.  I go to Jesse, “what the fuck did I hit that is metal in the goddamn rain forest?”  Jesse just shrugged his shoulders.

As we went back to the boat I looked up stream and noticed that Bob Ball had rowed down to the elk and had tried to scare it so I wouldn’t shoot it or was he just that stupid?  I just had to fuckin ask.

“Dude, did you see us go into the woods to shoot some thing?”

Keith the father was just walking up to the boat and all of a sudden got super pissed.

The answer just amazed me… 

“Ha ha ha…  yeah, I rowed up next to the elk so I’d scare it off so you wouldn’t shoot it.  Ha ha ha I did it on purpose.”

Instead of getting mad, I almost burst out laughing…  there was no way I could of seen him because the river was lower than the bank.

“So you rowed up next to the elk that I was shooting at to scare it and ruin my hunt?”

“ha ha ha yup.”

My client immediately, yelled at him…  “You do know you stupid bitch that she could of killed you?”

I started laughing.  It was totally worth it not to kill the bull because to tell the tale of how stupid Bob Ball was that in his hatred of me, he wanted to fuck my clients and I out of a bull and so put him and his clients in the line of fire of my bullets?  Really?  REALLY?

Then I noticed that he had a super duper older couple and the wife looked like she was crying.  I guess I would be crying to if I had cartridges flying over my head.

The best part of the day was me telling every guide on the river, especially Jimmy Mansfield, what he did.  At the boat launch as I slowly slowly told Bob how much he came to dying or his clients dying, was so much fun.  It was like talking to a ADD five year old.  All the other guides were laughing their asses off.

I also notice from being out there for two weeks, the best salmon season ever, even with the Indians netting like they do…  Bob wasn’t cleaning fish with the rest of us on the other side of the boat launch.  And none of his clients looked too please. 

If someone that went with Booby Balless salmon fishing that was unhappy wants to spill the beans.  Can you let me know if the idiot is still using size 16 Kwik fish?  And take a picture of the bullet hole that should be in the right hand side of his faggot “Wild Hair” drift boat looking downstream.  I’ll take ya fishing and you’ll catch for free.

Caught this evil little sucker in my pheasant cage.  He wanted to be a bird but that didn't happen.  I guarded my pheasant in 20 degree weather till my husband came home.  I guess my messages to my friends as I grossed out (okay, there's a reason my farm has three barn cats...  I hate cats even more than rodents?  Maybe there at the same level?

Or is Justin Maschoff even more of a dumbass….

Before we go into some of the funniest shit you’ll ever read…  we must go into an update of…

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY CRACKED OUT NEIGHBOR THAT USED TO LIVE NEXT DOOR…

You know the “Muckleshoot elk/predator biologist.”  If you lose your right to discharge a firearm because you did a “felony trespass” and can’t hunt for them anymore…  Serves you right, you derange pediphile voyeur…  he’d probably already be arrested for it, but they have no friends and no friends means no children that he could molest.  I’m serious… I’ve seen no one ever visit them so that means there’s no possibility that he could molest a child unless they hunted for the Muckleshoots.

Did he move and disappear because of the following reasons:  

He got caught doing a felony trespass in my barn when my neighbor’s lovely beautiful daughter drove up to feed my animals TWO HOURS after I left to guide for elk out in Forks, with game warden Dustin watching him commit such a crime.

 BTW Captain Brinson, I need a report from Dustin for my new restraining order that he witness some one violate his own restraining order.  I don’t recall that officers of the law cannot not report a criminal act.  I’m sure he didn’t know there was a restraining order.  Though I know you knew there was.  A gamewarden witnessing a felony trespass with “No trespassing Signs” everywhere?  Like 20 feet in direct view of the barn.  Isn’t it by law that he has to give him a ticket?


If you were a beautiful innocent country girl feeding your neighbors animals and this jumped at you from out of her barn, wouldn't you be weirded out?  Now who the hell is going to feed my animals when Orvis boy and I go on trip together?

  Even if you didn’t know there was a restraining order.  I think going into an outbuilding with a very posted farm is a big big no no.  Though I know Justin Maschoff’s been in my barn.  Really?  You don’t think I don’t notice what’s going on on my farm?  It is all logged in a ledger, every date, every incident.

And let’s not forget the pictures I have of Justin Maschoff…  What I couldn’t afford to buy a few more trail cameras?  Really?

Captain Brinson knew about the restraining order, Dustin what’s his name knows the law that you can’t trespass especially what a felony trespass????  That he witnessed and even encouraged?  Oh, and shouldn’t he of written him a ticket right then and there? 

ISN’T IT A CRIME FOR A LAW OFFICER THAT WITNESSES A CRIME NOT TO ARREST OR CAN HE JUST IGNORE IT?  IT ISN’T FOR A LAW OFFICER TO BE JUDGE AND JURY…  THEY ONLY SERVE AND IT SEEMS SOMEONE DIDN’T SERVE.

YES, CAPTAIN BRINSON, I’VE BEEN TRYING TO MENTION THIS VERY IMPORTANT FACT.  OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WATCHING A FELONY TRESPASS AND HARRASSSING AN INNOCENT YOUNG GIRL THAN WATCHING SOME ONE ROBBING A BANK?

Did my crack head neighbor David Vales move and disappear because the Sheriff Deputy Officer Holden kept calling him, waited at his gate and called him while she watched him run and hide into his out building and he refused to be confronted or questioned.  ADMISSION OF GUILT?  FUCK YEAH!!!!

I’M SOOOOO GETTING ANOTHER RESTRAINING ORDER AND WHEN YOU COME TO COURT EVEN WITH YOUR HIGHLY PAID LAWER…  YOU’LL GET THE BOOK THROWN AT YOU.  AND GO TO JAIL AND NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO CARRY A GUN… HOPE YOU MOVED OUT OF STATE.


Yup, I shot all these with the same full metal Jacketed .223 whatever thing.  I believe everything on the internet.   Hey, Justshoot Must shoot!!!!  Want to hold your gun to my head and force me to drive 11 hours to Idaho to find these gut piles?

BUT IT GETS EVEN EVEN BETTER…

My husband and I would occasionally drive around at night shooting raccoons… we have a lot of predators because of our birds.  Wink Wink Or decide to work in the barn…  sometimes my husband can’t sleep and has to work in the barn at 10 oclock at night.  Wink Wink… to some cracked out neighbors this might be construed as we’re up to “NO GOOD” and we’d always do it right before there was some blizzard or sub zero weather.

Why?

Because “ultra paranoid neighbor” would cry wolf and call Justin Maschoff and tell him we’re poaching.  Man, did I feel sorry for Justin and his underlings.  Can you imagine if you’re stupid enough to believe some paranoid freak that watches his neighbors because his fat wife won’t let him watch tv… 

I wonder how many hours and hours and hours the game department spent on his delusions?  I wonder how stupid Justin was after spending hours and hours in the freezing cold due to his delusions? 

Maybe we should just let my blog be that more interesting and I use the “Freedom of Information Act” to see just how much time and money was spent on stalking me.  But if they don’t want to give it to me he’s probably under investigation.  Then they can’t give it to me.  I think for shits and giggles when I have a cold and some down time I should go there.  It would be awesome to find out how much my voyeur stalker neighbor used the game warden department to stalk me and how much it cost.

AND AGAIN I CAN’T POSSIBLY MAKE THIS SHIT UP.


Or hey Just Shoot Must Shoot....  How bout we go drive over to SD with a gun to my head and find these gutpiles?

BTW IF YOU HAVE A COMPLAINT ABOUT BEING ABUSED BY SOME LAWLESS GAME WARDEN THAT HAS LITERALLY GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND THE LAW BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN… THERE IS A WEBPAGE THAT YOU CAN COMPLAIN TOO.

I have even more shit on my crack head neighbor and his game warden stalker puppet.  But I have to finish this blog some time.

NOW IT’S TIME FOR ANGIE’S HANDICAP HUNTING AND FISHING ADVENTURES AND THE HEAD OF THE HUNTING DEPARTMENT OF WASHINGTON STATE THAT JUST DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.

David Ware…  BTW you have seriously pissed off my husband and we actually act independently and think independently… he’s not my puppet and he moves in different circles and would be the most informed member of your board.  Being an MIT graduate redneck hunter, he moves in different circles.  There’s no reason for him not to be on the board and he actually has a penis and he’d fit perfectly on your board.  Especially, since he was the biggest executive asshole at in the history of Boeing.

MERRY XMAS BOYZ...  The girls and I at a bad sweater party.  where do I find all these "Happy Bunny Shirts"?????  Hey Dave Beware...  you can come out next year if you put all your focus on handicap hunters and open some gates.  Pretty please Mister Beware...  pleaseeeeeeeee open the gates for our Veteran Boys and Girls and our handicaps.  It's not their fault they don't know anyone with thousands of acres of private logging roads filled with deer and elk.  We'll even stick you underneath the Mistletoe!

I’m gonna be super duper nice. I didn’t get on the game advisory board because the 25 emails you got from all my friends from all over the state that I represent didn’t seem to matter, the fact that I would be the only female on the board that hunts elk all over the state unlike most hunters (I get so bored shopping at the same store, it’s like hunting for shoes…)

I know you really really care about the Handicap Hunters and how fucked they are in the State of Washington.  And I’m sure you’ll bend over backwards to help them.  My personal agenda of representing all of Buckley, Burnett, Enumclaw and Wilkenson GMU doesn’t  matter, even with the 700 signatures I gave you and BTW I have 300 more… that agenda takes a back seat to anything handicapped or disabled..

Unlike your personal agenda. 

If you hunters and fishers don’t believe me that you’re taking a back seat to the poor poor archery hunter dweebs that run the board.  BEWARE OF WARE…

He’s the Sheriff of Nottingham and gets to tell everyone in Washington State where and who can take the “Crown’s Elk” and who can’t.  All game animals are property of the State of Washington and the power hungry overlord gets to parcel them out.  And he seems to prefer archers… and not the LONG BOW KIND.

Let’s play nice before Miss Angie makes everyone cry over the plight of the “Handicap Hunters of Washington State.” Still getting the runaround.  It seems NO ONE WILL OPEN UP A FUCKIN GATE TO LET THESE GUYS ROAD HUNT AND SUGGEST THEY FIND ROAD HUNTING ON PRIVATE LAND.

REALLY?  IT SAYS THAT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE REGS BOYS AND GIRLS AND THAT’S FUCKIN FUCKED UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT OTHER STATES DO?

WOW, YOU CAN’T WALK OR SEE, HERE’S A GATE KEY.  GO FOR IT!!!!


My elk bitch with his elk...  Boy, when "Big John" gets back from Utah...  We're gonna tear up the Peninsula for natives.  Dead Nate, Dead Nate, ohhhhhh so many dead nates!


OUR STATE?  WE CAN’T ENFORCE IT SO YOU CAN’T HUNT IT.  OMG WE HAVE TO ENFORCE HANDICAP HUNTERS?  I’d let them hunt over a barrel of donuts.  That’s right in every other state but ours you can!  Oh, that’s an awesome “Handicap Hunter Proposal.”

A LOT OF THEM WOULD LIVE REALLY WELL AND BE HEALTHIER BECAUSE GAME MEAT ROCKS.

Again…  BEWARE OF WARE… 

It’s been rumored by more than one person on the WDFW and the hunters that know the hunters on the Hunting Advisory Board that some one is being monetary coerced.  A little research and I can find out exactly what’s going on.  But do I have to really go there?  Just repeating the many rumors I heard of you…  “Beware of Ware” you really don’t start representing the handicap and actual hunters of Washington and keep doing your sneaky ass shit…  I’ll have to research it, get testimony… (and yes I have some serious pissed off dudes that you have totally fucked over the last few years)…  I think you should change your evil ways and do your job.

I do have serious statements about you being on the take.  Otherwise, why would you keep helping special interest groups (Muckleshoots, archery fags and etc…)  oh and fuck the disabled they don’t give me shit.  If I started a collection among the handicap and the disabled veterans?  Would you represent them like you should?  Maybe at the next auction to raise money for their special needs, we’ll just hand it over to you to just get our basic needs met.  Like a damn awesome place to road hunt. 

Or you can stop having special interests.  A real hunter and sportsman has no special interests.   Except to kill and eat it.

Remember you mentioned respect and I should kiss your ass to be on the Game Board?  I don’t have to dude, every meeting is open to the public And I’m going to all of them.  Beware of Ware?  Show Washington Hunters that you have some respect for them and maybe you’ll earn mine.  Or change your “special sneaky interest ways”.

LIMITS OF STEELHEAD...  LIMITS AND LIMITS AND LIMITS....

My ideal proposal for the handicap hunters and disabled veterans from the arms forces is the following:

A handicap hunter or disabled veteran that has to crawl thru dead fall to a hunting spot when he buys his tag gets all season to fill it on both sides of the state.  They’re fuckin disabled and should have a longer chance to hunt.

What does this mean in layman terms…  When a disabled hunter buys a tag he gets to hunt from archery to modern firearm on both the east and west sides of the state.

And why not?  Our Native Americans do.  So are we saying they need more oppurtunities to hunt than the disabled?  I guess if you’re a disabled Native American you get to hunt with a fucking gatlin gun.

Oh and for all you Seattle Hunters out there.  Guess what you didn’t know was going to happen that “Beware of Ware” didn’t mention?  All of King County below Hwy 18 is close to any sort of shooting… Muzzle loader, rifle, and shot gun.  You are so fucked.

Merry Xmas Everyone!  I’m working on my fishing and hunting proposals.  Send it to me, show up to a meeting you lazy fucks or lose your rights.  I can’t do good for you unless you bitch as much as me!!!!

And right now it is all about my disabled hunters… ever see a fucker crawl up a muddy boat launch…  all the guides on the Peninsula did.  They were like… what’s with the dude crawling thru the mud up the boat launch…  I told you, you stupid ucks… I was taking some cool ass handicapped guys out.

I guess they had to see it to believe it. 


MERRY CHRISTMAS FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!!  THE SORENSONS LOVE YOU ALL AND HAVE A GREAT AND SAFE HUNTING AND FISHING SEASON!!!!! 

HONORABLE MENTIONS...

My elk bitch...  "Big John"with a very impressive cut...

Don Edmond's daughter wins the "Miss Cutest New Huntress USA"

Buddy of mine from BC...  dude, if you got me an elk like that you wouldn't be holding that rack but  my fine rack...  LOL

Hey dudes, I got me a "Go Pro Camera" so stay tuned for some awesome videos!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQtmXPJ57mg&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Angie stalking three bucks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s8E0AXng1o&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Angie practicing for the logging show "ma and pa saw"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSm2MMoOKtE&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Angie going down with Jim Mansfield down "Barrel Rapids" on the Sol duc


OCTOBER UPDATE 2011


Ya gotta love Dana White, he is now offering us athletic girls a chance to wear UFC
Ring Outfits for Halloween.  Gotta, love a man that prefers brunettes over blondes...

OCTOBER UPDATE 2011

Hiddy Hoh, as in Hoh River for all of you that don’t know what “Hoh” means. “I remember a couple of years ago when I tried to find the number for “coho resorts” in Seiku from directory assistance the African American operator thought I was pranking him and hung up on me when I tried to explain it to him that a coho was a salmon and hung up on me.  So I guess us fishermen have to be careful with them indian names.  If ya know what I mean?

Had an awesome week out in Forks for king fishing and elk hunting.  I have some major tips for all you elk hunters out there in regards to patience and scent.  If you really want to know why I can hang within a herd for hours, have stupid horny bulls just walk up to me and I follow them read on. 

So last week I set up “Stealth Elk Camp” where nobody knows except for my clients where it was, and I get paid really really well for it.  After a year of scouting, I take my “boy toy hunters” and stick them in prime bull elk country and we’re talking the best bulls out there not them “Rocky Mountain White Trash Bulls” but the cream of the crop bulls.  The mighty Roosevelts!  Racks are cooler, meat taste better because they are browsers (like goats) and their hides make a  much better couch cover.  After setting up my boys, I took off to Forks and did the most stupidest thing ever.

I tried to fish for kings and hunt for Roosies at the same time.  I spread myself a little too thin so thin that I had to have one of my clients take my boat back.  How thin was I spread?  Like the border patrol down in Mexico, like the Seahawk offensive line, or like butter for a fat chick following a diebetic diet.

Being in Forks hunting, not only do I have a ton of issues like fishing.  I just can’t take the Twilight thing anymore.  As I drove around with my girlfriends out there, I embarrass the shit out of them by doing the following; every time I saw a group of twilighters I did the following…

Screaming out my truck window….  “Bella”  “Bellaaaaaa” in Marlen Brando style.

Screaming out my truck window…  “Bella I can’t find you!  Slit your wrists so I can find you!”

I can’t believe all the tourist traps and corny sayings.  What you’ll find strange are all the wood bundles that are for sale so you can have a “Bella Bonfire”.  You have “Twilight wood” and “Bella’s Bundles”.  The tackiest thing was that they have a parking spot for Edward’s doctor dad at the hospital, and the corniest thing of all is at the Three Rivers Resort was a “Vampire Danger Sign” like the “Fire Danger Sign”  which of course says that it is very high.

What I’m most afraid of is going over the “Mora Road Boundary” and visiting the Quilayute Nation’s Capital LaPush.  Who even knows how they interpretated Twilight’s  Werewolf story.  If I go over there and see that all their indian art is composed of wolf legends, I’m going to join Bella in the rain forest and slit my wrists so Edward can find me and make me relive Fork’s Twilight for all of eternity.



This years big winner at "2011 Angie's Stealth Elk Muzzleloader Camp"

This muzzle loader season saw Miss Angie walking up again abd calling in big bulls.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t suppose to be where I was legally (about a couple hundred yards off of the unit boundary) so instead of shooting two perfect bulls, I got again to take pictures of them as we stood there staring at each other and I’m going to again reiterate the importance of scent.

Most hunters like to hunt upwind but if you are down wind and you think you’re screwed or what I call barbless…

Random tangent time!  When Orvis Boy, my best hunting client Mister Winter, and I fished for kings on the tide it was sick sick sick…  I have a new plug that will out fish any other plug out there, it is a size 14 Kwik fish that is orangey and I hand paint it.  It is such an awesome plug we named it…  “Sure Bet”, of course “Sure Bet” couldn’t keep the kings from going into two snags, or keep my drag from sticking on an untune reel (which is now tuned up) and it sure couldn’t save the king that Miss Angie played for 20 minutes that she got on a blue fox with a hoochie skirt, especially when she got worried as the king went for the snag and she stated to Orvis Boy, “that spinner better not be barbless or you’re dead”. 

New f-word for Miss Angie.  Instead of “fucking” we say “barbless”.  Yup, you “barbless Asshole” if you go through my tackle box again and debarb my hooks while drunk worried about me getting a barbed ticket, I’m going to “barbless” beat you with a baseball bat till you’re “barbless” dead.”

Here’s my best “barbless” elk hunting tip.  Use scent.  If you don’t and you aren’t upwind you can call or scent in that trophy bull.  If you spray said scent up in the air and you here a bugle from a large bull and he starts coming towards you wait.  You’ll be surprise how quiet they are because they just appear.  Wait for it to get to you and

“Shoot the barbless thing!”        


Mister Winters with a nice tidal king...

So what colors do you paint on your killer kwik fish?  Book a trip and find out.

So what kind of scent do you put on yourself and spray into the air?  Book a trip and find out.

So what color hoochie skirt do you put on?  Book a trip and find out.  I find it funny that the local guides don’t put them on the spinners anymore but at $7.00 for five skirts I’m thinking them locals are being cheap asses again.

Also, remember one thing when hanging with an elk herd…  be prepared to go into the deepest depths of the forest and note how you get in there.  Because coming out can make an “I came back sore trip to I came back from hunting and couldn’t move for four days and how did my body get so battered and bruised.  I could go to Social Services and throw my “barbless husband” in jail by just lifting up my shirt.  Yup, them “Twilight Trees” attack you ferociously. 


The two bulls that just walked out to me...  tell me scent doesn't work.  Really?

Vote “no for 1183”… if you live in a small town or like decadent liquor be prepared to travel for it.  Two of my favorite liquor store owners or small business owners that employ 10 people will soon be out of a job , all that tax money will go to the “general fund of Washington State like every fuckin other tax revenue” does, and the increase in small tow DUIs will sky rocket.

Going to the ultimate Halloween Party this year.  Can’t figure out who I want to be.  Snooki from Jersey  Shore fame.  Found the ultimate leopard outfit with bad fur jacket and will spray my awesome body with fluorescent orange or after watching the UFC Fight I might get the “UFC Ring Girl” outfit.  Gotta love Dana White for offering that up.  The minions of UFC Fight Ring Girls UNITE!

Is she spray tan or is that her original color?

HUNTING NUMBER ONE TIP FOR NORTHWEST MUZZLE LOADERS…  Sorry boys, take your old muzzle loader and place it above the fireplace replacing grandpa’s ancient shot gun or throw it in a vat of acid and watch the “barbless” piece of shit melt in your happy gaze.  Why are you happy that your ancient out of date muzzle loader melts slowly?  I can count on both hands how many times that piece of shit denied me in the worst of the worst weather conditions.  The NORTHWEST MUZZLELOADER THE VORTEX EDITION…  Will go off no matter what.  Stuck in a Forks rain storm?  Walking out on trails full of five foot dripping wet hemlocks?  Your Vortex is wetter than a canoe paddle?

Go back to camp and “KABOOOMMMMM”, am I endorsing the NW Edition Vortex?  Well, yeah…When you hunt like I do in the nastiest, wettest, bulliest conditions and your muzzle loader goes off?   I’d get one.  If you don’t you’re a dumbass.

Got to get ready for king fishing over in Forks and guiding bear, deer, elk and cohos on the Skagit.  I have a little mini vacation before I’m again off to the races.

Contact me at angie@thefishingoddess.com or 425-478-6683


BEGINNING OF ANGIE'S FALL FUN


My prize chocolate lab Sauk, isn't he beautiful?  I love the big knot head...

SEPTEMBER 2011 UPDATE


I can’t believe I’m actually saying this but thank god, it is raining.  So far this salmon season has been a pain in the ass because of little rain which is keeping the salmon from moving up in droves.  My buds are slaughtering the fish in the low tidal waters but that is about it.   So since it is raining I’m taking off tomorrow with clients/friends to SW Washington for some good fishing.  Right now I’m just happier than a hunting dog eating my neighbor’s ducks.  (Snot I know you’ll appreciate that one.)


Now that it is finally raining and going to rain all week,  it will be a slaughter fest for Miss Angie as she goes muzzle loader hunting and Chinook fishing out on the coast.  After I get that 7X6 with my name on it, I’m then gonna be a hunting for gold.


CHANTRELLE HUNTING


A lot of people really don’t know how to chantrelle hunt and very few people know that they are everywhere, you just have to know what climate is conducive for them to grow.  I’m not giving you any areas where I hunt them but here’s a few basics for any mushroom hunting beginner.


 Find second generation fir, look on the south eastern slope or south eastern side on a flat patch of  firs.  If there are alders mixed in, you can count on no mushrooms.  Chantrelles love pine needles mixed in with moss.  Alders suck all the life out of the soil and all the moisture.  Alders are kind of like the whores of the forest, if you know what I mean.


Go in about 150 yards, once you find some, circle around the mushrooms and see how they grow in a certain direction and go along it.  Chantrelles are part of the Ribosome family and have a line underground in the soil. 


 When you pick them use a plastic knife or butter knife (there is a reason why my husband can’t butter his toast in the morning).  Leave the stem and never pull them all the way out or your little patches of gold will go extinct.  Kind of like what happened in Darrington/Snohomish Valley area.  Yup, there are idiots out there that pull them all the way out so the mushrooms will never return again.


 Whatever you do, don’t tell any Asian people.  No, I’m not being racist but hey, ever notice that there are no tidal pools anymore?  Asian people are like locust.  They don’t have any idea that if you take all the mushrooms, sea cucumbers, sea urchins, they don’t come back.  I don’t know if it is greed or ignorance, but maybe a little of both.





My husband always tells a funny story of when he went to Korea on business.  He was walking through the forest and some thing was wrong.  He couldn’t put his finger on it but it dawned on him that there were no little forest creatures running around or making noise.  He asked his friend why that was…


 “The hunters have killed them all.” Was the answer.  I think maybe “CONSERVATION” isn’t a big deal in Asian culture.  Ie Japanese and whales.


Things to watch out for while chantrelle hunting.  Fishing line strewn everywhere.  Yup, some people are soooo stupid and can’t read a compass that they tie the line to a tree and walk in.  I can’t fathom such stupidity but I’ve notice the fishing line of choice is Blue Stren, thus, it all now makes sense. 


 Also it is that time of year again where the bald face hornets leave their paper nests and go underground with the female queen larvae.  The male hornets will soon die a horrible painful death when the frost hits but that’s not good enough.  I’d like to find every bald face hornet and stick a pin in their little bodies and take a lighter to them and watch them burn alive.  Do you think I’ll get in trouble with PETA again for wanting to torture poor little insects.


 



Let me tell you a little tale.  While chantrelle hunting, I answered my cell phone.  My dogs came at me running for their lives and I started felling stings.  I looked down at my legs and they were covered with hornets.  Instinctively screaming the whole way I made it to my truck but they still didn’t stop.  I had to strip off my clothes and ran naked in hiking boots till they stopped chasing me.


After using my baseball cap to kill the last of them that were stuck in my thighs and back, I ran back to my truck, my prized labs looking at me guiltily.  I all of a sudden realized that I couldn’t breathe and was having an asthma attack.  So sucking on my breather I barely made it to the local medical clinic because I started to fall asleep.


How poisonous are bald face hornets?  They rank right up there with trantualas and scorpions being the fourth most painful bite in the insect world.  My idiot doctor didn’t really look at the stings and so after icing them I noticed stingers were left in some of the stings so I had to remove them with tweezers.  And as for the itching?  No matter what you put on them except for ice, only time will heal your wounds.




Happy Candace from Sultan got this buck on opening day...

Top things to do while Chantrelle hunting:


1.       Bring a compass and take a reading whenever entering the woods from the road.


2.      Note where the sun is if it is sunny.  It only takes minutes of picking before you become disoriented.  Especially, on flat ground.


3.      Even though it is hunting season and you want to wear red, orange or yellow.  Those colors attract hornets.


4.      Don’t bring your dogs, see the above


5.      Bring an epipen in case you get stung.


6.      There are always bears somewhere.  If the bear is between you and your girlfriend make sure she doesn’t leave you behind.


7.      Have your car keys hidden somewhere see the bear thing.  Nothing like standing on top of your girlfriend’s husband’s truck cab with sticks as the bear walks around the truck.


8.      If you get lost don’t go around in circles following the drunk guy that knows the way out.


9.      Beer cans make great trail markers.


10.    If you run into some meth heads you can save a life by asking to see their mushrooms and point out the poisonous ones.  (Nope, I can’t make this shit up.)


 


John Thompson's death camp...


ELK TIPS

I can’t believe that most hunters can’t kill an elk.  All it takes is a lot of scouting.  Being down wind, being stanked up, and being quiet.  Some people describe them as “ghosts in the woods”.  If hunters call elk ghosts I don’t know what they are smoking but I’d like to describe them as “monsters in the woods”.


My biggest tip for wannabe elk hunters?  Use your nose.  Smell something nasty (musty nasty)?  That’s an elk, walk towards it, make sure it is legal and shoot it.  If you smell something even nastier, like a garbage dump, that’s a bear.  Shoot that too.  If you feel like you’re being followed in the woods after you stanked up.  You are, shoot whatever is following you , too.


I’m off for some killer king fishing, hunting, bird hunting, and outdoor adventure.  When I get back I’ll be guiding for salmon and a couple of elk hunts.  Where will I be guiding?  That’s for me to know and the people that send me deposits know.


I’ve decided that you don’t have to live on a river to guide successfully.  Some of my guide buddies are stealth guides.  They take their clients and do fisheries that most people don’t know about.  I’ve always been like that and never realized I was being a stealth guide.  I get super irritated when some one emails me and wants to know too much information.  Those aren’t clients those are cheapass bastards that want free information. 


How to tell these fellas from a real client?  A real client says I want to go fishing and I’ll be there on such and such a date.  But if you have some guy that wants to know all the seasons, what river, what fish, how to fish for them…  don’t fall for it.  I’ve noticed a lot of fly fishers do this more than the gear guys.


Oh, and about my last rant on why I’m such a heartless bitch.  I get sick and tired of being trolled on the internet, having assholes talk shit about me, and no one understanding that I will not be irritated by stupid people.  After being a guide for more than 10 years, either guiding friends or clients, I’ve gone through enough shit that I don’t take anything sitting down anymore.  I’m hardcore and if you play nice I’ll play nice but if not…



Here's a picture for 3 Rivers Marine...  and a big thank you...


OH AND A BIG THANK YOU TO THREE RIVERS MARINE


I took a client out last week and had an oar break on me on the easiest and stupidest river ever.  Luckily, we ended up on the road side and I called Brian Nelson and they came to my rescue within 40 minutes.  I’ve also heard them helping people out with trailer issues and boat issues in their local area.  They’re kind of like the Les Schwab of the Seattle Area when it comes to boat issues.


And we all know how successful that kind of customer service can be.

CHINOOK FISHING ADVICE


Ever have your rod go down and just sit there?  Guess what you might have a king on and they’re so big it takes them a minute to realize they’re hooked.  Reef on them, try to imbed that hook into their mouths since they’re not helping you any by sitting there.  It is nice if they run but half the time they don’t.


MORE GAME WARDEN ADVICE


Since game wardens think they are above the law and for some reason think everyone is a poacher,  you do have rights.  If you own private property that is huntable, they cannot trespass on it ever.  Who do you call when they trespass?  You have to call the Washington State Patrol and when you call 911 on them request them.  Get the trespassing guy’s badge number and name.  There is a complaint form on the WDFW Web site where you can turn them in. 


Here a turkey calling or a elk bugling.  Make sure it is the real thing (and I’m pretty sure they aren’t doing it very well, unless they are using those illegal machine game calls that we can’t use as hunters).  They’re doing it to harass you.  Why?  Because unlike real cop mentality, you are guilty before proven innocent.


Oh and they’ll lie and lie and lie to you to get you to say something incriminating. Don’t fall for it.  It is kind of like getting pulled over after having a beer when the cop asks you if you’ve been drinking and saying,  “Yup, I’ve only had one beer.” 


OUTTA HERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 


I love my new red boots Angie!!!!!  This picture is just too cute!

Some people say I'm a heartless bitch...


Jack Thompson, broke his next being a bad ass Judo tournament...

Enjoy the following:  and remember I can't possibly make this shit up, and I have 100s of stories like these ones.

Why am I writing this?  Why not?  I've decided not to keep my lovely mouth shut any more and if you were ever a woman in a man's world...  you'll find this as funny and as weird as I do...  please enjoy.  Excerpts of my next book...

WHY I AM A TOTAL BITCH…

You asked for it… do you really really want to hear the shit I’ve had to put up with and see why whenever some guy crosses me, I’m not a shrinking violet and why I’m  opoinated as hell because there are some things I stand for and strongly so strongly that I will not back down on on my issues.

When I first started guiding, it was because I would take people that I’ve met on the internet on fishing forums, that were sick of fishing forums and all the clique crap they stand for like me, fishing.  I learned that on fishing forums you’d have a bunch of nut jobs that were just computer geeks that would troll for free trips and couldn’t catch a fly if they were dead, covered in blood and it was 100 degrees outside.  I took so many friends out after my hubby bought me my boat that he told me to start guiding.

I being a woman, and all my outdoor girlfriends have had this happen to us when we have posted anywhere on the internet.  My girlfriends have been dicked with on dirt biking sites, hunting sites, gun sites, fly fishing sites.  The freaks would either hit on you on the forum, but most of the time you’d have some ugly geeks with no friends except his fellow posting geeks freak on you.  So as I would give tit for tat and it always always ended with me being a crazy ass whore, but tell a penis joke…  Oh no not that!!!!

  See the rant where I make fun of desperate LA Fly Fishermen targeting high mountain endangered trout and releasing them.  I guess I upset the whole forum when I said they like to target these tiny “troot” because it was nice for them to hold something that was bigger than their own cocks.  When I first posted on the forum I was just being nice and questioning their ethics of targeting these poor fish and even paying a guide to catch them on a 2 weight fly rod with 2 pound test.  If you have to target a fish and make it worth playing with a 2 weight fly rod and 2 pound test and you don’t see why that is wrong.  There is no way I can help you, I’ll leave that to the professionals.

Comebacks of these classy fly fishermen?  The same, crazy, ugly, whore, fake, psycho bitch.  The usual name calling and it rolls off of ya after awhile.  I’ve been banned from what, 20 forums?  It actually gets fun after awhile to see how long it takes before I’m banned.

But if it wasn’t for these fishing forums I wouldn’t of found my husband, some of my best fishing and hunting pals (that got kicked off of fishing forums just like me).  And I have met fishers with the same “attitude” as me.  I’ve met great fishers from Northern BC all the way to Florida and Mexico.  I’ve gone on some awesome fishing adventures and made some lifelong friends.

Enough about fishing forums, there is no way anyone that has a hint of being a normal social person in the real world… can get along with people within three years happens to post over 2,000 times.  You do the math.  I can’t get posters, I can’t conceive of posting that much, and being a member of some fishing clique.  Since believe it or not, I have a shitload of friends in the real world.  That I can’t even get them to join facebook.

 I love my circle of friends.  When I have too much of the wonderful world of “Male Dominated  Fishing Drama” I call my gorgeous gal pals and do girl shit to wind down and get back to reality.  What the internet geeks and the over enthusiastic fishing guides that I destroy by just out fishing them don’t get that there is another reality out there.  Where you do normal things.  Like…

Go shopping, go to a fine dining establishment, see a Shakespeare Play, do a Warrior Dash, play powder puff football, have a dinner party, go clam digging, see a football game, watch football all day long…

 Speaking of watching football on TV.  You know the NFL, where you follow your favorite team and root for them.  My biggest test to see if a client or a new fishing guide I’ve met is normal is that I ask them if they watch football.  If they say never.  I know I’m with some MAN that has issues.  What
“All American Fella” doesn’t watch football or some organized sport?  That’s my first flag.  Next question, “ how much do you post on fishing forums?  Second flag.  Are you a “Catch and Release Nazi”, third flag.  So you’ve killed a lot of animals, were they all guided trips?  So that means you aren’t really a great hunter you just pay for it.  Why don’t you just have your guide shoot it and you take a picture with it?   If you don’t pay your dues, by scouting, putting the long hours in, learning how to track, etc…  You’re the kind of hunter that kind of has to also go to a whore house…  Fourth Flag

Mind you when I guide hunters, I set them some place, and tell them to put in the time.  But it is okay to pay for hunted trips but only if you’ve actually were once accomplished and don’t want or have the time to do it the real way.  Safari trips in Africa totally cool shit.

So here I goes, you want to know why I don’t take shit, and take a crow bar or a two by four to your asses.  And I think any woman reading this or male sympathizer, will totally get where I’m coming from.

GUIDING WITH JIM MANSFIELD

In 2006, Jim Mansfield invited me to come out to guide with him on multiple trips.  I said sure, I love guiding on the Olympic Peninsula and have had great success out there and guiding with Mansfield is something every guide that really wants to know what guiding is all about is privileged to experience.  But there was a problem.  All the guided trips I ever got before were from my web site and from me getting banned from some gayass fishing web sites.  Mansfield’s clients were a little different.  They were a little male chauvinistic, just wanted to catch not fish, and well if you really want a good description, a little rough around the edges.

So Jim gave me a trip which was to be one of the three boaters taking a crew of roofers down the Hoh in complete darkness to catch big fall kings in October.  Of course Jim being a guy, kind of forgot to tell me to bring a spot light, so it was a hell of a lot of fun to row in the dark down the Willoughby Drift to Oxbow with a tiny little flash light.  Yup, that was a lot of fun.  Being a female, I noted that male guides you guide with were never very specific.  Yes Jim, I’ll never stop ranking on you for that one.

But the night before, I went to meet my clients in his lodge house, they were really drunk, the owner of the roofing company kept asking me if I knew what I was doing, how many fish I’ve caught, to the point of being scary.  They were also looking at me like I was the only woman having a glass of wine with a bunch of real drunk roofers.  I didn’t stay long and quickly left.  And as Jim had instructed me to do, I kept my mouth shut.

The next morning, being horrified that I didn’t have a spot light, I got the drunkest guys (who were so drunk they wanted to go with the girl) who loaded two cases of beer into my boat, but I couldn’t focus on that.  I had to keep my cool because I had to row in complete darkness and instruct the two drunk guys to keep that light on Jim’s ass.  I was so close to Jim’s ass I’m sure this was the closest Jim ever came to being assed.   Once we got to the drift above the canyon, I let them go ahead of me.  I had found a spot Jim wasn’t fishing the day before and as the” good little water reader” that I was when daylight hit we cooned three huge kings in ½ hour.  We had our limits and the pressure was off. 

I got to know my boaters who were horrified about the flash light deal but we soon started joking around and had some joke going on.  One of my clients was a huge ass Mexican when I asked him why he was “Viking big” he told me he wasn’t even descended from those “shit ass tiny Aztecs” (his words not mine) and his little tiny buddy Darryl.  They were telling a dirty story about some chick that Darryl lost his virginity too that smelled like strawberries… so as we arrived into the canyon and every time I said “Strawberry Shortcake” (Darryl’s new nickname) we were laughing so hard that all the other guides quickly became annoyed and glared at us.  We lost another fish but we had a limit so who cared?

Then I decided to do a little “Angie Test”.  Since the roofing owner was being kind of a dick, I in my usual fashion decided to see how far his little chauvinistic attitude would go.  I told my boy toy giant Mexican, Bob, the guy was six foot five and he had told me some awesome stories of where his family was from and how they came to be in the United States and why he was so big (remember he said he was n’t descended from them tiny Aztecs” his words not mine).  That when we pulled up with the others at the bank for the contest of” who got the biggest fish” (winner getting the pot) to hold their heads down and say we didn’t catch anything.

What happened next was classic “the shit I have to deal with” and why I’m such a bitch.  The owner went livid, he ranted and raved, yelled at Jim who looked disappointed till he saw my evil smile, and then I noticed that the giant Mexican started to turn red and Strawberry Shortcake had gone quiet.  The Mexican told the owner that if he didn’t shut the fuck up he was going to kick his ass.

So with a shit eating grin and yes, I was pissed off but I kept my fucking mouth shut.   I slowly opened the fish box and pulled out two huge fall kings and I had to keep the Giant Mexican from grabbing one and striking his boss with it, so I said “Strawberry Shortcake” and we all immediately started laughing holding our sides.  We won the biggest fish contest, and the owner was kind of quiet for the rest of the day.

FLIPPING MY BOAT ON THE HOH RIVER

Oh and when I wipe out I wipe out in a big ass way.  I happened to have had Nick Amato editor of Salmon Trout Steelhead in my boat.  I would never have told the real story but it seems when Nick Amato the drunkass that he is keeps telling people that you don’t want to fish with me because I can’t row and I’ll flip my boat.  Well asshole, I’m glad you keep telling people that because now I can tell the dirt that I have on you.

A month after I had just gotten married to the infamous “Orvis Boy” I had a couple of clients and decided to go a day early and take Nick Amato out on the Hoh, he wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  It had rained real hard for a couple of days and the water was real high.  We lost one fish and Nick got a decent hen of about 13 pounds.  It was easy rowing because the water was so high but I had only been rowing for about two years.

During the trip, Nick got hammered and he smoked a lot of pot.  Oh, did I just say that?  Well, since he keeps telling everyone that I can’t write for his boring fishing rag because of my dubious reputation on the fucked up internet and if you go with me I’ll flip my boat.  Hey, Nick Amato son of the world’s worse fly fisherman Frank Amato, oh and about that, do I have some serious shit on that one.

Ever read those stupid fly fishing books that Amato publishing puts out?  Where they talk and talk and talk about fly fishing but never catch anything?  Well, they are only published because the old timers who miss the days “before the Native Americans” started over netting.  Couldn’t catch a steelhead if the thing was stuck in a gillnet hanging off of a sweeper.  I think there is a book about the Thompson River Steelhead where the fly fishers get like one fish.  One fish and that makes you an expert to write a book about it?  Are you kidding me?  Even Jack Hemingway said that Frank Amato was a douche bag.  Oh that’s right, I’ve spent four weeks of my life hanging with Jack Hemingway.  Take that in your fly tying bag and sit on it.  He adored me because I reminded him of his hot Italian wife named Angela in her younger years.

The only books you should buy of the crap Amato collection of how to fish are by Bill Herzog, who I’ve gone drinking with, with my girlfriends in down town Seattle.  I asked him why he never took me fishing and he responded with “you have too many fishing friends already” what the hell did that mean?  If I fucked every guy I ever fished with I’d have aids by now.  But I forgive ya Billy, lots of guys don’t get how some girls can have a lot of platonic guy friends.  Ask my buddies in high school.  If I wasn’t their wing man they’d still be a virgin.

So the row was easy, Nick didn’t want me to pull plugs so lack of fish was inevitable.  As we were going down stream his pick up line was the lamest pick up line ever.  “I’m glad you’re a married woman, you have less complications.” 

Yup, this is the first my husband has heard of it.  He’s looking a little pissed right now.  Yup, I can keep a secret for nine years.  I know how to keep my mouth shut.  Like I’m really going to have sex for an article in Salmon Trout Steelheader after being married for a whole fucking month.  Really?

I’m thinking as I’m rowing through Oxbow, that it was wayyyy too easy and I came upon that huge rock that has taken out a number of boats before me, and I got too close to it.  And I went fuck as I realized what a high water standing wave can do to you.  As Nick and I actually bonded for a brief second the boat slowly began to turn and I just didn’t have the upper arm strength to right it.

But not to worry.  I’m a lucky ass bitch.  I wiped out right above the boat launch, I made sure as I doggey paddle down that Nick had a nice bubble of air in his neoprenes and was headed right towards the launch with no problem as I screamed at him to stand up and go right.  (I was a life guard in high school) and I swam for my boat.  I figured if I could grab it and float it with my body I’d make it there too.

Didn’t happen, I couldn’t kick the boat over because I was wearing those stupid breathable waders with a wading belt.  Yup, like that’s going to stop them from filling up, if I would have been in Neoprenes I think I could of made it.   But since I was four months pregnant they were too tight of a fit.

To my horror the boat that was upside down just plummeted with a “whoosh” and with me underneath. I had issues because my stupid wading shoestring stuck on the oar lock and I went down for the count to the cold dark depths at the bottom of a deep salmon hole.  Trying not to panic and trying not to think of what would happen to my unborn daughter, I felt up my leg to where my shoe lace was.  I couldn’t see anything because of the glacier till and untied my shoe lace instead of trying to pry it free.    Then I tried to orient myself,  and it was dark and then I saw something silver and went towards it and then I saw the light of the sun.  Did a steelhead save me?  I’m pretty sure it did.  Maybe I should make that my token animal but then I can’t eat them anymore.

Oh, and am I asking for sympathy?  Hell no!  Accidents happen but this is why I love the internet so much.  Let’s see on Pissy Hissy Pursuits or Piscatorial Pursuits.  They had a field day with it.  See I was guiding with Jim Mansfield “the native killer” and I was killing native steelhead because it was open and they taste good.  But on this the gayest of all fishing forums (and I mean gay as in stupid and wussy and I don’t know why gays go by gay because most of the gay men I see are smoking hot and smoking in shape)…

Let’s see…

She deserves it because she kills native fish.

Too bad the fucking bitch didn’t die.

Oh, let’s call her the flippin goddess

Yeah, I really respect the assholes that post on the internet.  I’m soooo sorry if I make fun of you.

NINE YEARS LATER…

I haven’t had an accident. I’ve rowed down much rougher waters, and haven’t even come close to any misadventures.  But people keep saying the following:

Jim Mansfield can attest to it.  He keeps having people that don’t like me in Forks claim I can’t row.  Jim just scratches his head perplexed and asks them.  “then how the fuck does she get down the river and catches fish?”

John Koenig claims and told all the clients that I referred to his ungrateful stupid ass that I flipped my boat on the Skagit.  Are you kidding me asshole?  The Skagit is a lake.  See ya this fall and you better run when I see you at the boat launch.  Run crossed eyed fucker run…  I got another “Little Cleo Award” with your name on it.

Nick, Nick, Nicky, Dick Amato.  You still tell people that I’ll flip my boat if I take you out.  You’re looking a little red in the face lately there, bucko.  Looks like kidney failure to me.  Good thing you got such a cool father-in-law that fishes a lot otherwise you’d be on Mrs. Fifth.

Some more dirt on Nicky.  Remember all them hot girls on the cover of Salmon Trout Steelhead?  Not the fishing goddesses you think they are but all ex-girlfriends that were going out with Nicky for his Amato Publishing Empire (way better pick up line).  All the fish were caught by Nick, all the fish handed to the hot girlfriends and all caught at the Clackamas Hatchery.  Dude, can’t you let a real fisherwoman be on the cover or do they really have to sleep with you?  How bout putting April Vokey on the cover?  At least she can play her own fish.  And she might be dumb enough to sleep with you because she taint the sharpest hook in the box.

And a month after the tragedy, I was back out rowing, slaying fish on the Sauk and Skagit till I was seven months pregnant.  I’ve even had freakass internet fishing forum posters take my pregnant pictures and post them saying I was fat.  Obviously they have never been with a woman and got one pregnant before.

The best thing is, and I’m still looking for a picture of it.  Nicky took the lovely Daniel and I fishing on the Clackamas.  Daniel caught her first steelhead and landed it (she had hooked many but never landed one) and I took a picture of it.  Unfortunately, I dubbed the trip…  Retread steelhead fishing with Nick Amato and I promised I’d never ever breathe a word about it.  We caught black sperm spewing steelhead after black sperm spewing steelhead.

Totally worth the drive to Portland.

And me knowing how to keep my mouth shut… never ever said a word about it till I heard he still keeps telling people that I can’t row.

Did I burn a bridge?  Nope, Nick did when he told his father in law that if I took him fishing, I’d flip my boat.  It has been nine years and you are a total asshole, can I send you another bottle of scotch so your liver will turn another shade of gray?

ANOTHER REASON WHY I’M A BITCH

GUIDING WITHOUT A LICENSE

One year I think 2006 it flooded and flooded and flooded.  From December till February it wouldn’t stop raining and with four days of clear and me having a ton of clients that wanted me to go out to Forks I decided to go on a scouting trip.  I did a trip alone, took Rick from the “Inn Place” the best restaurant in Forks who had the best fishing of his life.  He lost four fish and landed and killed and ate a nice 18 pound native steelhead.  He even saved a piece for Booby Balless and fed it to him as salmon.  Catch and Release Cannibalism at its best.  Yes, I can hear Booby Balless throwing up just about now.

Admit it Booby, it tasted awesome, you liked native steelhead and you want more, don’t ya?  I will never ever stop dude.  I have even entered your digestive system with messing with you.  I made you eat a native steelhead.  Will my vengeance on you ever stop?

So I take Rick and then I take my buddy Dennis, and then my  buddy Packer came out and then after having lunch, some asshole game warden came out and gave me a ticket for guiding without a license.  I think taking Rick out for free breakfast and to mess with Bob Ball does not constitute as guiding.  Plus,  I had been done fishing for hours and how the fuck can you give a ticket without the client being there?  Isn’t that giving some one a speeding ticket for speeding the next day?

Well, Booby and the other guides from the “All Powerful Guide Association” kept calling about me being there for four days as guiding.  Really?  Assholes?  We have record floods for two months and I decided to see if the Oly Pen was too fucked up to fish with my buddies is guiding?  Well, I take a shitload of friends fishing (ex clients who trade trips, you know pheasant hunting for a fishing trip that isn’t guiding that is having fun and exchanging fun).  But oh no the stupid game warden with the 70’s porno mustache decided to give me a ticket, and he was also harassing me at the boat launches and checking my boat for whatever,  during catch and release.

I call that sexual harassment, Justin Mustshoot you know who you are and boy do I have some footage for Chief Sunhi of you that is going to get you so demoted…  oops…  so I get a guiding without a license ticket.  So after being harassed by this asshole game warden, who I turned in for sexual harassment.  Really?  Why are you checking my fish box for dead steelhead because I kill them where I’m suppose too?  I bet you rued the day you listen to your butt buddy Booby Ball.  I loved it when I showed up to court in Forks all “cleaned up” that the judge totally understood the infatuation.  I clean up extremely well.

So then the BIGGGGGGG RUMMMMORRRRR was that I was guiding everywhere without a license for four years even when I wasn’t guiding.  I loved it when the stupid game warden chick up on the Skagit system checked my husband’s license and asking him if he paid for it.   And as he said, “Yes Maam, I pay and pay and pay and pay” and she started writing a ticket and I burst out laughing  “ you dumb bitch look at the address he’s my husband”.  OUCH

What I love about game wardens is the fact that when you close all the local rivers early,  guides aren’t going to get licenses but are still going to fish.  It isn’t like we have a shitload of friends and relatives, when some gameass checked my brother’s license we had a blast on that one.

“Hey stupid game warden.  Don’t ya think we look a like?” 

“Well, yeah.”

“Why do we look alike?”

“ahhhhhhhh”

“Can you say brother and sister?”

“ahhhhhh” that’s right you young inexperienced game warden figure that one out.  Who trains the new game wardens?  You know the people that call in all the time are usually crying wolf because they are and always will be freaks.

But that’s not the true point of this sad sad tale.  What’s sad is that I had a run in with Mike Kinney who is such a drunk that he doesn’t even remember teaching me how to drift fish with a corky and showing me how to fly fish and keeping my rod strictly at 11 and 2 o’clock and when you give your rod a thrust it is just like throwing a coffee cup.

Well, one day after I got my guide’s license that year, I was guiding this huge behemoth of a man Jamie Myxter.  He wanted to drift fish but it wasn’t working and the rest of the day we pulled plugs and he caught three nice steelhead.  It was one of them days if we were a plugging we would of caught wayyyy more.

So I’m pulling plugs on the Skagit and this nasty piece of shit fiberglass boat pulls up next to us with teeny tiny Mike Kinney along side of us.  His poor clients.  He immediately began screaming at us that I was guiding without a license and I had to stop fishing.  I started to laugh.  Mike again started screaming at me that I had to stop fishing because I was guiding without a license.  Unfortunately, my client Jamie didn’t find it funny since I had a license, the sticker the whole nine yards.

Oh and on the aside.  Back in the day when they didn’t care if you had a license, Mike Kinney was soooo poor guiding out of a fly shop called I think Creek Side Fly Shop he never had a license, he also bitched and bitched about all the yuppy clients he had to take out.  What was even better about Mike Kinney was the fact that his bitch of an ex-wife wanted to take him for child support so he quit his job and lived in a shack on the Stillaguamash without electricity to show her.  Man, that’s a total winner in my book.  Get divorced because you fish too much and quit your job and live in a shack with no electricity so you get out of paying that bitch child support.  Father of the year?

So here I am, with a monster sized client in my boat and some midget in a ghetto fiberglass boat screaming that I had to stop fishing.  I actually got pissed because the idiot had have to seen the stickers in the back of my boat.  Maybe the guy, who probably didn’t have health insurance couldn’t see them?  Was that possible?

My boat being bigger I slammed into him and my client who was totally pissed and now believed all my insane stories “where I can’t make this shit up”.  Tried to climb in and wack him.  And then the unbelievable happened…

“Buck on!” so we got side tracked. 

But it got better the midget that is Mike Kinney, pulled over even after him getting embarrassed and it looked like the old client in the front of his boat was going to have a heart attack.  Jamie ran at his boat at full speed.  The client screamed in horror and Mike Kinney seeing the size of my buff client rowed off like a bat (that’s a compliment) out of hell.

And you all wonder why I’m not the nicest person in the world.  Really?  I’ve talked to my girlfriends and they said they couldn’t even handle the stress.  But that is why I’m not nice.  Not nice in the realm of fishing anyways…


BEGINNING OF FALL 2011 PREPARE FOR THE END 2011


UPDATE TO MY GUIDING SCHEDULE FOR THIS FALL 2011

Well ladies and gentlemen, after much contact and emails I have to change my Fall Schedule because it is all about you.

And for all of you fly fishers out there.  Remember, I both gear fish and fly fish so I have an advantage over all those idiot fly guides that are happy to get 10 fish a year.  Really, I’ve known some lame ass fly guys that after catching five fish consider themselves a guide.  Really?  Really?

I get so many out of town guys for clients that have read about me for years, and they just happen to turn out to be some of my funniest and coolest last minute trips.  These clients are them awesome hunter and fishers from other states that have loved my web site for years and have wanted  to play with the goddess when they are on some lame business  trip.  But the excuse that… “I’m going to play hooky with the goddess around Seattle/Portland area so we booked an extra day for extra fake meetings to go fishing with Angie, or maybe play some golf”. 

So to play up to my out of towners, and I hate for these one day executives at a two day meeting that know that they just need to schedule some fun.   And I have some just out of the big city NW fun salmon/steelhead fishing for you within a two hour drive.

 And if you can plan an extra two days, you can drive out to the Olympic Peninsula.  So here’s my schedule… the ending dates fade into hunting seasons (I usually kill early so I open up early), so I still might be able to accomodate you but that depends on if you want some good hunting thrown in too.  But be warned, tags in Washington State are anti-tourist just like with everything else.  You know how Governor Gregoire just loves giving tax incentives to out of state businesses.

For example, when I fish the Skagit in November, there is some of the most incredible black bear hunting; you can kill one of our notorious big black bears of Northern Washington along with catching coho.  The tag is pretty reasonable and the bear hunting pretty easy and the bears are pretty frickin BIG or what I like to say “Bearnormous”

So here’s my new schedule… with all the requests for local Puget Sound Fishing it looks like I’m only going to do a three week window in Forks unless you all change my mind. 

SEPTEMBER 19TH THRU THE 26TH   I will be guiding on the North Fork of the Lewis and the Kalama for a six limit of two kings, two coho and two steelhead.

I TAKE A BREAK BECAUSE MY BIRD HUNTING HUSBAND IS GOING ON A PHEASANT TRIP OF A LIFE TIME…            

Let’s see,  since I get four weeks of hunting and he gets 1 and a half. ( I am such a trophy spoiled wife.)  But I kill bigger and better things, elk versus pheasants,  I think that I am the better half.  Though who really wins when that trophy elk or two year old young tasty cow comes up, he always gets the first shot.

After Muzzle Loader season I will be working the Olympic Peninsula from October and a soft 8th (depending on if my husband, best client ever and I get trophy bulls) till October 15th for kings and coho on the lower Hoh River and the Sold Duc. 

Then I have to kill a black tail and I can deer hunt and salmon fish between October 15th thru the 25th out on the Olympic Peninsula, but then I’m outta there from the 29th till November 4th for Eastern Modern Firearm for spike elk and then I’m off to the Skagit for serious bear hunting and coho fishing in the Skagit River System November 4th thru November 24th and it is sick coho fishing.   You’ll catch the  biggest coho and late king salmon you’ll ever come across, all within a whole 1.5 hours from Seattle.

 

Hey and if you want to go a whole ½ from Seattle, the Skykomish this year will be sick with pinks, chum, cohos and hatchery steelhead…

So give me an email at angie@thefishingoddess.com

Or call me on my cell at 425-478-6683 leave a message because I live so far out in the boonies my cell phone rarely works till I go to town.

Then I have the most INCREDIABLE December hatchery season that can be a half hour out of Seattle or out there on the Olympic Peninsula.


DO YOU WANT TO GET MONSTER TROPHY WINTER NATIVE STEELHEAD?

 2012 will be some of the best Native Winterrun Steelhead fishing ever.  But alas, this will be last minute, top secret…  I know that early winter run fishing is iffy after Christmas but it all depends on the weather and water levels.  But give me a date and I’ll just make sure we go to some secret killer spots in January thru Mid February where we’ll just go slaughter some giant native steelhead and some of them you won’t have to catch and release.

So I’m done with pimping myself out.  You’ve seen my web site so make me an offer and maybe I’ll allow you to hunt with me and steelhead fish for the big Nates...  Stay tuned for when I go a hunting and I take pictures of what is out of season but would of so been a kill shot.  Since I see so many animals while hunting for other animals, I’ve decided to become a wild life amateur photographer.

TOOTLES… AND KILL KILL KILL

Angie

SIMPLIFIED VERSION OF THE BOASTINGS ABOVE

 SEPTEMBER 19TH THRU THE 26TH 

Out of Portland?  North Fork of the Lewis, Kalama or Cowlitz and it seems like boys out of Seattle all want to do the Skykomish:  for coho, pinks, kings, and hatchery steelhead

OCTOBER A SOFT  7TH TILL THE 20TH

It seems that the most accomplished fishermen and people from around the world can fish the Olympic Peninsula with yours truly.  We fish the Hoh and the Sol Duc for monster kings and monster Chinook. 

Then I just have to go east and kill spike elk.  Really, I found a herd with five spikes in it.  They all must DIE…

NOVEMBER A SOFT 2ND TILL THE 24TH

It is all about trophy trophy coho.  I can even take you bear hunting if you really really want to.

DECEMBER 1ST TILL CHRISTMAS HATCHERY WINTER STEELHEAD

Olympic Peninsula or the Snoqualmie (right out of Seattle limits guaranteed)

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Give me a date and I’ll give you tentative information.  I know so many awesome places where the freshest and the brightest steelhead make their appearance all over the Northwest that most guides don’t have a clue because they aren’t as well versed or traveled as I.  If you want to fly fish for some crazy sick fishing for early winter runs you want to book with me.



GUIDING FOR FALL SALMON FOR 2011 AND DECEMBER HATCHERY STEELIES PLUS IT’S FALL BABY!!!!

Hiddy Hoh, one and all.  I’ve decided to pick up the oars again and row the Washington’s Olympic Peninsula’s best rain forests known throughout the world for their giant salmon and steelhead.  And let me be your guide because I know it intimately…  some say knowingly.  Anyhow, my records on the Olympic Peninsula’s world reknown rivers that are the Hoh, Sol Duc and Bogiechiel are one of the best and I’m not bullshitting.

 Another plus, besides me being known for out fishing all of the local Fork’s guides is the fact that I am guiding with the best guide out there, the Forks famous world reknown guide,  Jim Mansfield.  With the resume of guiding for 30 years and has personally produced probably the world’s most consistent rations of 20 plus steelhead,  he is also one of the best elk hunting guides out there and the proof is in the half a dozen  Boon and Crocket elk trophies that he keeps in his lodge and has probably the world record catch of over 20 pound steelhead in the world and I’m right behind him.

So come fish the Olympic Peninsula with me.  Not only will you get the best views out there (me and the old growth), you can stay at the Mansfield Lodge, hang out with top notch guides , and I’ll teach you the basics and if you just want to catch fish without a care , we’ll do that too.

Best weeks to go are October 1st thru November 15th for fall salmon.  Chinook till November 5th and coho over 12 pounds afterward.  Last weekend in November till December 15th I have a total edge on getting them hatchery winter run steelies before any of the of the other local guides.  Remember, in any circumstance, it is always about who ya know.  I will also be up in Skagit County fishing for coho, monster gigantic coho and doing some bear hunting with clients.

You know why we're smiling.  Because we kill a lot of fish and elk and eat them.


Book with me, and you’ll have the best Olympic Peninsula Experience that is offered.  You don’t want one of them dead beat Forks guides that have been bored for years and are about as entertaining  as a burned out hippie twilighter, and yes, if you must see “Twilighted Out Forks, I can be your guide for that too, after I seriously down a couple of Crown Royals, bong hits and a stake through my heart.  Oh, and for another added bonus!!!!   I can hook you up if you don’t want my special sarcasm and set you out on an extra day for the three hour tour of Twilight Forks.  Yes, I’m serious it is a three hour bus tour.  Like Gillanghan’s Island, a three hour tour.  Sorry, Ginger won’t be on board, or are you a Maryann kind of guy.

Rates:  $400 per couple with lodging at the Inn $450 a total package.

Call me on my cell phone that rarely works and leave a message 425-478-6683

Want the best Olympic Peninsula Fishing Experience of a lifetime with one of the most popular famous guides in the Northwest?  Book with me…  Or be bored beyond belief.  It is up to you and if you make the wrong choice I hope you are bored and suffer.   Suffer like Twilight’s suffering daisy…  Bella…

So we haven’t heard much from Miss Angie this Summer.  Well, it has been pretty uneventful.  With the weather sucking ass and me on farm duty, I’ve been a busy camper .  

I get so many monster coho on the Skagit that I  have some super cool mounts to have done.


After months of boredom, I  took my BFF mommy PTA friend to Forks for a different vacation because I  decided I missed going out West to Forks where the vampires and Werewolves roam.  And I also noted,  so do a lot of goth teenagers and their poor mothers forking out hundreds of dollars on tourist traps.

What did my BFF PTA mommy Tiann make me do for a vacation?.  It was a vacation out to Forks that I never thought I would do.  I must make the point that Tiann was just a great sport.  She didn’t annoy me for our first family vacation together, we slept in, we took it easy and just went with it. 

And you won’t believe what Angie did on a Forks vacation…  We went one day of fishing and two days of scouting…  She actually made me do the following:

I went to the Sequim Game Farm…  OMG every Washingtian must do this…  I can’t wait to download the  videos of me screaming as I feed bread to elk, bears and bison and try to make sure they don’t fuck up my truck.

Then we decided to go beach combing.  Me beach combing?  And low and behold Tiann was totally jealous as I found the biggest agate EVER!  Then we talked about fossil hunting with Jim Mansfield and he’s like…  “I know this little creek.” So we hiked in about a mile and Erikka and I found the ultimate salt water fossils ever.  I think Jimmy had a different vacation experience too.

And then she made me…  I hate to admit it…  I hate to even  have done it.  I did the freakin Twilight Tour.  It was horrifying and I felt used and abused, like I was raped after a college frat party.  But I had fun, I did some thing that wasn’t fishing and hunting related.  And I was a good sport about it.  As I thought of taking the card board cutouts beheading them and putting them on Booby Boobless’s front porch.

So the last month has been pretty uneventful…  I went pink fishing in the salt and know certain spots over there in Desmoines and Redondo, where we did just a slaying on the pinks with humpy jigs.  Pictures, you really want to see me with a limit of salt water pinks?  Nahhhhhh even though I wore them short short WSU Cougar shorts while fishing…  I’m sorry, no one will ever ever see me with a humpy with that dumb ass look of  silly slimy satisfaction on my face.

SPEAKING OF HUMPIES…

Since I’m the only web site out there with a page dedicated to the “Love of Humpies” a popular website known as Fishchan.com asked me to be an esteemed judge for their Carbon River Humpy Derby.  I of coursed was honored and for two bottles of Cols Du Buois Pinot, they didn’t have to twist my arm.

I love Fishchan.com except for the occasional perverts that post there.  Really, you gay ass posters that think about posting pictures of porn and nasty chicks pooping is way cool and piss off the owner.  Face it you posting freaks…  you’re just that and really really don’t piss FishChan’s owner off.  You just make him feel sad very very sad.  That he has to deal with you creepy creeps.  My favorite word for the year 2011 is “Creepy” if you haven’t noticed.


And Johnny owner of Fishchan.com has been having some problems with a poster or posters… the guy is such a freak that he  posts under over a dozen alias and we all know who he is…

Yes, John…  I have figured out who the freak that goes on your web site,  he called the FBI on you and when he wants to make his pathetic point has 12 other voices he goes by…

Nate Bradeen… and his history isn’t pretty…  I went back to my records and this freak that tries to upset the other posters is beyond a freak.  He actually is a freak of nature and I don’t know if you want to feel sorry for him or just realize that because of his condition it has made him computerly INSANE.

Nate Bradeen, has been fishing with the best…  because he has in his youth had fishing guides and Nick Amato (not a fishing guide but a really cool drunk off his ass editor of Salmon, Trout Steelhead)…  Nate has a horrible handicapped, he was born with “Brittle Bone Disease”. 

We might all know his daddy from back in the day, who is in about 50K of child support debt, got fired from Amazon , moved out to Forks and started a meth lab and guiding business out of an 1958 fiberglass drift boat.  We haven’t heard from him since.

I’m thinking toothless in Granite Falls.  Poor Poor Eric H---sler.  He was so upset at me seven years ago because I don’t remember smoking pot at a kegger back in high school with him.  Really?  Why would anyone hold that against me?  I smoked a lot of pot and that’s probably why I don’t remember…  ha ha ha

Yup, his son was born with “brittle bone disease” and for the last 10 years (he’s 21 now) he has gone on various fishing sites, with pictures of his dad’s pathetic catches, no pictures of himself, and has decided to fuck with certain various web sites.   You’d feel sorry for him, but he is so pathetic that he spends all his free time trying to be witty and fuck with fishing forums that he would be cool if he wasn’t so fucking lame.

I mean really?  He goes on fishing forums, picks a victim, makes up a dozen aliases to back him…  Don’t you think he’d used to make his brittle bone disease computer skills for good?    He stalked me so bad using different aliases to try to fuck with me on my facebook.  Who on facebook has people using aliases so he can hang with you on face book? I’m thinking the 20 year old boy must be smoking the meth with his daddy.


Most abused fish ever...


Sorry Johnny from FishChan.com…  you have a handicapped freak that someday you’ll have to deal with.  I did some research after our Humpfest derby and it all makes sense now.  Here’s some following things you can ask the loser when you try to ban him once again…

If a fly lands on you and you swat it… do you dislocate your shoulder?

When you grind your teeth while doing meth with your daddy do they fall out?

When you played a fish, did your thumb come off as you reeled it in?

If you actually ever smiled does your jaw break?

And I don’t even want to know what happens when he watches porn…

We all should feel sorry for this sick brittle bastard but you know.  Don’t go on web sites and face books and fuck with people because you live in a dark basement where your mommy keeps you.

I bet when he blinks he has to put his eye back in his socket.                                             

Why am I being mean?  If I have the SOB mess with me again calling me a flat chested skank on fishing boards that love me in 12 different aliases…  I’m going to find you in your basement and tickle you, literally to death.


Yup, Johnny from fishchan.com…  You have a real freak enigma on your hands.  And I just gave you a background on the fuck.  Should you put up with his shit because he is a handicapped freak?  Or call him out on it.  No matter how handicapped you are…  You should never get away with being a dick.

The guy is a fucking weirdo and again I’m going to say the following:

“I CAN’T POSSIBLY MAKE THIS SHIT UP”  ever watch Curb Your Enthusiasm?  I think Larry David is on the same page and has the same issues.

FISHCHAN.COM

Well, I was the highly esteemed judge for the 20 entrants to the “Carbon River Humpy Derby”.  I had a great time.  I got to meet the hot winner with a 23 ½ by 12X1/2 inch humpy.  And Eric (the hottie) also got the prize for the most abused humpy ever.  And I must say that Eric was also exceptionally cute and I was bummed when he had to leave to go to a Chippewah Pow Wow.  I asked him what it was like to be a Chippewah and he said they were voted as the most poorest tribe in the USA.  So no monthly gratuities for him.

Then there was poor  poor Big Jim that lost…  and my GOD…  the guy was six foot six…  if I was anyone on fishchan.com I wouldn’t mess with the fucker.  He had red hair like a Nordic Viking and he could literally kick anyone of the members of fishchan.com’s ass.  He lost because his well kept humpy was 23X11 ½.   And during the time we spent together he was in a silent rage.  What is a well kept humpy?

Right before you wack it to preserve the taste of the saw dust fillet so you must slit it’s throat and then immediately put it on ice…  of course there must be no blood on said ice or you will ruin the experience.  Then you must immediately marinate it and smoke within 24 hours.  That is a well kept humpy.



Out of the 24 entrants before I got there to judge, there were four participants that had their limits but were so drunk they didn’t want to be judge so guess what drunken idiots…  you could of won the pot of $200, second place Todd Ripley’s hooks hmmmmmm---- and as in any tourist spot…  “all I got when my parents went on vacation was this fuckin t-shirt my mommy bought me”.

So as we waited for the other entries…  I told Big Jim who went to his big red Dodge Ram Truck to get yup you guessed it “Todd Ripley’s Hooks”.  I figured since I was getting bored (should of brought a flask for all to share)…   I took a pair of pliers and tried to straighten them out, bend them out, break them and I made a few comments about the packaging, but I was indeedy impressed.  Though, I don’t think Todd’s got his octs  numbers down right.


Yes Todd, I got bored, and I think you’re insane about the wild steelhead catch and release crap.  But your hooks after me torturing them to the amusement of the www.fishchan.com guys.  I couldn’t break them, couldn’t twist them and couldn’t straighten them out with pliers.  So I’m going to give you the ultimate compliment and try them out.  Hey you annoy me (fish should be eaten no matter what because what the fuck is the point of fishing), but I will try your hooks out and give them to other guides and see if they give you another rave review.

What did I think about the www.fishchan.com guys.  Funny, relaxed, and down to earth.  I think once they get rid of “brittle brain boy” from their web site because believe it or not…  no one on the site is a freak like that.  As Cyndy Lauper said…

“Boyz just want to have fun”…

 Here’s some funny things about Ripley’s packaging on his hooks;

Where was the warning label that said… “adipose equals release”

Surprised they weren’t barbless.  Really Todd?

Some people send porn pictures to each other's phone but this is my kind of porn and the only porn I allow...


AWESOME TIPS FOR ELK HUNTING…

Piss up or get caught…  yeah, ya always hunt downwind but som times Mother Nature can be really super cruel and change her mind errrr direction.  Use your lighter and test the wind constantly.  Smoking works too, but think about it?

Always figure out where the elk warm themselves in the morning (SE side of the hill if you have no sense of direction, I’m serious some people can walk in 20 yards and get lost).    Sure bet that when the sun comes up and it rained, snowed, fogged up,  and froze the little elks, they’ll be there.  Even if you have fur you still get cold ask Adam Carrolla about it.

Is there anything in the regs where you can't use a sling shot to kill water fowl...


Use your five senses. 

Smell, follow your nose.  When any animal is around you, you will smell it before you hear it or see it.  It is kind of like walking around and you smell a giant fart.  Yup, I said fart.  The sweet farts are the cows, the musty ones are the bulls and the shit ones?  Oops!  A bear, oh me oh my.  And for you inexperience losers that like having a fire and camping where you hunt?.  Ever wonder why you don’t kill anything?  Let’s see  if can use a simple enough metaphor so you’ll understand because when I advise against this you fire elkless lovers,  look perplexed.

Imagine you live in a housing development?  Now imagine a train of army tanks that drive into the middle of your housing development and burn a house down.  Do you hang out to see if the army tanks are going to kill you?

Or

How bout this one?   Say, you’re at a strip club with your buds.  Your bud lights up a cigar (there’s no smoking) and starts being super loud and screaming at the strippers.  They run from you hiding their pretty titties with their hands screaming for the bouncer.

This is an even better example…  say you live in the city and all of a sudden there is a noisy earth quake and a giant volcano erupts from out of nowhere.  Do you run?

What do big game equate the smell of smoke?  Just two simple things;  Death, being bothered, and forest fire.

SIGHT if you think you see an animal in the shadows you probably did.  If you want to prove you’re right, every single time walk to where you saw the animal and look for tracks and my golly, that bull winkle looking shadow was bull winkle!!!!

Went bear hunting and got surrounded by elk...

HEARING  Sorry to tell all you Roosevelt elk hunters out there.  They don’t bugle as loudly as they use too.  Think about it? Them noisy bastards of days gone by…  got shot out….  Darwinism at its best.  If you hear chirping, whistling, weird shrill short screams?  Those are elk. 

Sit still…  find a place where they constantly move through.  You know them highways.  Not where just one crosses a river bank, clearing or whatever but it looks like a bunch of groupie whores went running after Bret Michaels (glad you’re doing well buddy)…    Want to make sure they’re new tracks?  Step on them or wash them back out with water.

DON’T LOSE YOU MIND it is an elk, it is the size of a horse, a cow, a car, a dining room table, Booby Balless’s wife “Cowy”,  tree,  tractor, a group of hot chicks jogging, a drift boat, a row boat, a buoy, a bed, a couch….

My point is the following;  do you know how stupid you look when you have less than a 150 yard shot or with my clients less than 50 and you miss?  It has happened to most of us (my fuck ups were rain related but that’s why I bought the new Northwest Special Edition Vortex Muzzleloader.

Okay, hunters and huntresses….  I’m outta of here!

Oh, and if you find fresh tracks of anything…  try following them.  Really…

Remember I only book fishing trips for about a month window for awesome lots and lots of fish which is the joy of salmon and then it is back to lame steelhead.  I mean lame as in numbers.  Best time with me for giant monster steelhead?  First two months of the year and we pick a date and go to the best place and I’m very secretive you just have to trust me.


 Forks had their last drag races...  it will be missed... 


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